Have you ever noticed how a person's eyes look when the sun shines directly into them? The pupil and that dark ring around the iris become infinitely black, and the iris itself looks like its been made from a translucent butterfly's wing. Whenever I see sunlight-eyes, I fall in love. Sunlight- eyes are forever open doors, allowing a view into a house filled with mirrors and crystal. You can never be sure if you're seeing yourself or the person whose eyes you watch.

Swallow your dark shame

Keep it all to yourself

Let it sit there

Keep it to yourself

I can't find myself

I've kept me hidden so well, so long

Keep it to yourself

Let it not drain

Keep it to yourself

Until it's cut too deep shake free.

- e n d.

Let's go to that far-away place
The one you tell me about every morning
The place we're in when I'm in your dreams

Where shimmer-spray sparkle
and dusty brick-bottlecap
Creates a seashore symphony
And on the old shop walls
I put BIG LETTERS
So I could just let you know
In streams of chemical color paint
Dripping with love and glimmer-glowing warmth

Okay, after some deliberation, here is an extension of my prior entry: Basically what I really mean, without trying to get ill-fitting boxes to contain me, is that I am in a female body, and I feel good in female societal roles, but I am more expansive than that. I am also male, but not as exclusively as some. I don't feel trapped in the wrong body, per se, but more... limited by a body that has specific sex characteristics. And as I so closely relate to those fabulous Drag Queens, going out there to be loud and be proud and fuck you if you wanna spit on us, I feel tremendous freedom in being one of them. Born female, but really not, and I feel really more like an effeminate gay man than an average straight woman. I don't know how to explain it. I also feel very privileged to have a lesbian mother, because I know that no matter who I am she will accept me, and even more, she gives me ties to glbt society and subculture that I wouldn't have without her. I think this gives me a better ability to explain exactly who it is I feel I am, and why.

I have never posted on a site like this before... that is, a site for GLBT youth. I never thought I would have a reason to. I mean, my mom is a lesbian, and despite my efforts to follow her, I just really really like guys, almost exclusively. I guess I would be with a girl if her personality was just like... "Wow!" since the most important thing is really having a connection. So far, whoever's reading this (meaning YOU) is probably wondering why I'm posting here then. Well I was looking at the schedule for Seattle's Gay Pride Weekend, when I saw a link that said "I might be trans- What do I do?" or something like that. So I read it. And I felt some stirring deep inside me (let's not be inappropriate here, my dearies). I guess I would be a slight variation on the usual f2m... An f2m drag queen! I'm still kind of confused, but I feel so much... better! I was thinking and thinking and thinking and wondering and I knew I have this really strong feeling for being a man, but I am still so much into getting all glammed up. I should have known when RuPaul became my idol... hahaha. Well, anyway.