...that is, if both parties want it, because I'll be damned if I'm gonna be the only one working for it.
My ex, J, found me over the internet and we started to reconnect. Great. We hung out a few times. Even better. Then she had to get the bright idea to like me again. I was fine with that, but told her that I just wasn't sure if I wanted to date yet (I just got out of an almost two-year relationship with someone I'm still in love with). After a while I thought 'what the heck' and we started dating...which is something I have never done before: date and spend time with the person before declaring any kind of relationship. But I figured hey, I'm 19, no time like the present.
After trying that for a couple weeks, she decided we should just stay friends. Alright, cool. I'm more than willing to stay friends, but the day after we agreed on this decision, she dropped completely out of my life. I tried texting her, inviting her to hang out places with me and my friends, or with just me...and she turned down every offer while not putting up any of her own. I finally called her out on it and asked her if she was ignoring me, and she denied ever doing such a thing and couldn't figure out where I got that idea from. After a few more days, I sent her an important text expressing how I felt (which is something I absolutely hate doing; I'd much more prefer talking this out in person but this was the only way I could get in contact with her) about her using me as her little plaything and then dropping me once she was done.
Yep, no response to that, and that was last thursday.
I dunno, I figured it this way: we're not in high school anymore, I'm not that same stupid 14-year-old girl that fell so deeply in love with J and she's not that same fickle 14-year-old girl that will so easily shrug off someone who cares so much for her. I can say that much about myself, as for her...apparently not so much.
I mean shit, I graduated for a reason. That type of shit is not gonna fly anymore. If she wants to pull the same crap she did way back then, fine. I'll never stop caring about her but I can cut her out of my life again. Hopefully she'll grow up and snap out of it, and if not I won't be around for it.
Maybe it's too much baggage for her. But I figured all the baggage there is stems from high school. We're fucking adults now; shouldn't that shit go away? No one died, no one was hurt beyond repair...let it go and live for now.

People are silly.

My friends and I went out to a local festival yesterday and had a ton of fun. Now that the weather is finally cooperating I'm pretty confident that my birthday this upcoming weekend will be pretty rad. But back to last night...there was a lot of dancing, drinking and screaming...and my friend Trish dancing on top of a newspaper stand. Since my bf and i broke up I can dance on females without feeling bad, but we're still planning on getting back together so the fun won't last forever.
The whole background to our break up is that I refuse to date him as long as he is living in his parents' house. They're assholes and disrespectful and if loves himself and me, he'll leave. I don't believe in 'breaks' so we completely separated. BUT we do plan on getting back together once he's moved out. I won't be moving in with him right away because I don't have a job right now, but once I get the money saved up I'm fuckin outta here. Even though we do plan on getting back together, I never said I was going to just sit here politely wait. He wants to wait for me, which is fine, but I'm not waiting for him to get his shit together. If I find a girl I dig I'm gonna go for it...whether or not it actually lasts is another story.
Which brings me to another memorable event from last night....so I'm walking with my friends jonesin for a cig when this chick i knew from high school pops back into my life. She's trying to sweet talk me and during it all I'm just thinking, shut the fuck up and give me a cigarette. I asked her for a cig and she gave me one and oh so politely lights it for me. Then asks me if I'm single. My dumbass says yes, then she wants to know if I "wanna talk"....yeah, no.
Maybe if she didn't have more drugs coursing through her veins at that moment than I have had throughout my entire life to date. But no. Oh, and I like my women to look like freakin women, too. Thanks.
Then she asked me if I had talked to one of my exes. Umm, no? Apparently she's a heroin addict now and I don't mess with that shit. Plus I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years. In other words, fuck that.

Pridefest is next weekend (my birthday weekend for sure) and I am very excited. An old friend of mine (one I haven't seen since middle school!) is moving back to Milwaukee to live, but I'm not sure when. I hope in this upcoming week because I miss her more and more now. I just hope she hasn't totally closed into herself..
But I will surely be partying it up all weekend. :D

(if you'll be at Milwaukee Pridefest next saturday, look for the black girl with rainbow thighsocks and a black blouse. that'll be me)

So for anyone who likes Mindless Self Indulgence, their new album 'If' is pretty damn good. Good shit.
One thing I seem to forget about the internet is that not every site I like stays around. Most of the lgbt sites I used to lurk on when I was 14, 15 are gone. ikissgirls, bitheway, girltogirl, etc. are all gone (and i got kicked off the ikg LJ community b/c the owner is a douche). And it sucks because it would be nice to have those sites around still. I'm sure there are people here that have some idea of what sites I'm talking about. Actually, Oasis is really the only place that's still around. Sadness.

Don't ask me why but I'm thinking about Halloween costumes now. I'm debating between Carmen San Diego and a southern belle girl, parasol, gloves and all.

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a pretty long time now--long for me, since all of my past relationships never made it beyond 2.5 months, and this is almost a year and a half--and I feel like I'm hitting a really rough patch. I'm probably just a lot more irritable right now than I've ever been. PMS? Boredom from this tiny town? Depression? I really don't know, but I'm taking too much of it out on him.
It seems like everytime I take a nap in my room in the middle of the day I end up having another lesbian sex dream involving someone I know that I have had feelings for, no matter how big or minute they were. These aren't people I have feelings for now, since I honestly don't have feelings for anyone right now except my boyfriend, but given my past it makes me wonder if maybe I am seriously missing something that was once a big part of my life. I loved being a lesbian. I loved only having feelings for girls. I loved only having women flirting with me (when it happened, if it happened) and trying, quite retardedly, to flirt back.
Basically I miss women.
But I'm not about to lose what I have with my bf, which is most definately a sure thing, to try to find something that, knowing my luck, will take me years to find. I've never been the kind to get asked out or really even date because people never approach me, and if I approach them they usually say no. Plus, I have NEVER gotten a fraction of the love and affection that I get from him from anyone else. Sooo...why bother trying?
I just hate knowing what I am missing. I'm still really conflicted right now.

If you know me you know that religion has never played a large role in my life. It's never been part of whatever I've been trying to do with my life and I've never seen the need for it. Over the course of my life, I've met people who feel the same. We don't feel we need religion and haven't tried to. Some of them have tried out different religions and realized that none of them work out. It happens. I've always been a strong believer in having a happy and successful life without the aid of religion. I believe you can pull yourself out of whatever hole you've fallen into and reform yourself without the help of religion. I do see that as being possible.

I don't affiliate with any kind of religion--even atheism--because I just see it as unimportant in my life. But that's the great part; I can refer to my OWN life, and no one else's. Lately, the religious people haven't been the ones who are annoying me. It's been the non-religious ones. It's been the relentless condescending and degrading attitude so many athiests seem to carry with themselves against the religious. I've heard so many people talk about these people as if they're bumbling fools or mindless followers or shallow conformists. They treat religion as a whole as one big joke and treat those who follow it in the same way. Basically, there's zero respect.

Yes, I've come across plenty of religious people who will stop at nothing to shove their beliefs down my throat, and it sucks. It's irritating that they can't just accept my feelings and leave it at that. But what I don't think the non-religious realize that they are doing the EXACT same thing to the others. As soon as someone mentions that they're Christian or Jewish or Muslim, etc they get immediately turned off and go into "Preach-about-your-stupifity" mode and tell them how dumb they are for believing. I've noticed this most with Christianity vs. atheism. Maybe it's just the latter group finally able to speak their minds but I don't think it's that; I think it's just who can be the loudest and most disrespectful.

My mother is Baptist (and not the creepy Westboro kind) and she has been her whole life. She tried to bring me into it but finally, reluctantly, accepted that I just do not wish to be religious. I know that wasn't her master plan but she's gone with it and respects my decision, and I do the same for her. I don't particularly like a lot of aspects of religion but that doesn't give me the right to shit on anyone who does.

Can't people learn to just RESPECT each other's choices? It's really not that hard.

So I'm sitting in my dorm room up in Stevens Point, WI (don't feel bad if you don't know where that is) looking out my window, and it finally stopped snowing for today!
Doesn't that statement just make you wanna shoot things?
I mean, I know Wisconsin has fucky-uppy weather, but come the fuck on!

Anyway, I posted this on my LJ but wanted to post it here, just for some feedback and maybe one or two people who feel the same way as me on the matter.

"So I know The National Day of Silence is coming up (April 18th I'm thinking) and I've already had people ask me if I'm participating. Until recently I hadn't had a definite answer. Now I do; I won't be.
Not because people seem to think I'm 'losing touch' with my gayness since I've been dating a guy, or because I'm too afraid to stand up for something. I just do not see the help in it. I wish there was use in it and that more people didn't just use it as an excuse to shut up for a day or sleep in their classes, but the truth is that's all it's there for. No one takes it seriously and that's unfortunate, because there is a possiblity of the action yielding a strong and, ironically, deafening effect to those who choose to perpetuate homophobia.
(woah, big words)

Secondly, I'm yet to see it's effect. I went to Arts for three of the four years I've participated and it was pretty much a case of preaching to the converted; it doesn't work if you're surrounded by people who are all doing it too. Even in middle school when I did it, it didn't have any effect on anyone within the school or my family, except irritation and alienation, and that's not what we're working for. Most people just ignored the ones not talking and carried on with their day, or remarked on how stupid we were or that "at least the annoying gays shut up for a day" Don't think that's the angle we're going for.

Maybe I'm seriously jaded and don't think anything will rush acceptance, but on the other hand I do believe that people's actions make a difference, just not in this way. The practice just seems 2-dimensional to me.

I mean the most respect I can to whoever is participating in DoS. If you believe this is a proper way to protest homophobia, then by all means go at it. All I ask is that if you do participate try going somewhere where you aren't surrounded by people who do it too. Try actually doing something with your protest rather than just shutting up."

xoxo

I'm seriously beginning to think this is the year to totally shit on my life. For real. I mean, why else would people nitpick over the lamest and most inconsequential nonsense. So that explains it; for the memo that some people missed out on: SHIT ON ASHLEY'S LIFE. stop. SHE DOESN'T USE IT ANYWAY. stop. IT'LL MAKE YOU ALL FEEL BETTER. stop.
yeah. okay. lol.
So my whole thinking behind this, on top of moving to a small town for college this past fall and failing to make a single consistent friend (aside from my loyal boyfriend, bless his patient heart), is that apparently my opinions are too much for some people, and they feel like either a)whining, b)name-calling and cliquing up with their internet friends, or c)ignoring polite emails asking for them to explain themselves. Now the last option could be completely false since I haven't checked my Livejournal in the past day or so. But either way I think I'm gonna just shut my pretty little mouth for a while.
I know I don't share the same sense of humor as a lot of people do: I laugh at black jokes, dead baby jokes and a LOT of off-color shit, and I'm not afraid to say so. I recognize the errors in the black community and rather than blaming authority or giving up, I talk about it, often in ways people don't like.
(psst. for the record, yall, I'm black)
I know some shit I say can make people uncomfortable, but it happens. I don't apologize for it, because I believe you're only as offended as you want to be. If you feel like getting riled up over something that really has nothing to do with you, then that's your issue. If you truly don't care, that's on you too. Either way, I'm not gonna stop opening my trap just cause something *might* piss someone off. Besides, black women are known for being loud as all hell, and I've learned that it's usually because we're the only ones making any damn sense, lol. But I'm biased, wah.
Anyway, this has shit to do with lgbt issues, so let me throw something in here: folks, if you know someone who simply identifies as "queer"--meaning not specifically as gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, blah...DON'T badger them on it. Yeah it's considered an umbrella term, but some people prefer that to any other label, myself included, because nothing else really works. I mean, I would go around answering "What's your preferance?" questions with, "I-like-women-but-am-dating-a-man-and-only-like-him-and-no-other-males" but that is too long and, for a lot of people, too fucking hard to grasp. Not saying people are stupid at all; I confuse me too.

Oh, and STOP SHITTING ON MY LIFE! DAMN! That job solely belongs to me and my mom.

smsm,
Ashe

In the past seven months I've realized how hypocritical people really are.

So I doubt anyone on here remembers me since I don't post much. For the past four years I identified as a lesbian, purely wanting and desiring women. And that was great; I dated enough, got shafted more times than I'd like to admit, had fun and fell in love. Yay, right? Right. It was funny because despite the fickle minds of my peers and ex-girlfriends every pegged me as The Lesbian: The girl who would never go back to dudes if her life depended on it. I hadn't planned to, honestly because there was no male in my life that attracted me or made me feel anything anywhere near what females had and continued to.

Inside my own heart, I fully believe that sexuality and gender is fluid and, in the larger scheme of things, does not matter. Should not matter. As much as I hear other LGBT people preach that Love Is Not About Gender and that love doesn't descriminate, I've heard the same people talk down about someone who has decided that, after identifying one way for an amount of time, has decided, for no one else's benefit but their own, to alter things to their own choosing. Now I will admit, I'm as guilty as anyone else for making fun of the stupid girls in my school who change boyfriends more times than they change their thongs and, every so often, will throw in a girl-on-girl makeout experience for bragging rights. These girls are purposefully putting their lives on display; that's what they want so there's no harm in talking about it. And to be honest, if that's how they wish to live their lives, fine! They will have to deal with the consequences, good or bad, and they alone. But someone who honestly knows themself enough to alter one detail about their life--a detail that does not even play a big part in thier total makeup--should be able to do so without having to hear a loads of shit anyone else has for them.

About six months ago (six months exactly tomorrow, actually) I started dating a guy. We've known each other for about seven years but lost contact after middle school. He found me on Myspace and we've been inseparable ever since. When we got some time to actually hang out he told me that ever since the 7th grade he had had a crush on me but oculd never work up the courage to tell me. Soon after that, he then told me he was falling in love with me and wanted to be my boyfriend. All I could think of was *??!? oh my gosh this isn't right this isn't happening* I knew what he was telling me was real because we're alike in the sense that love is NOT something we fuck around with. He drew me closer to him and with that I began to have feelings for him that I hadn't ever had for any male in my life. The love he had for me I began to reflect and I was incredibly terrified. At one point I thought letting him off was going to be simple and painless; I'd just say, "sorry, I'm gay" and that would be the end of it. But he would not take that and wasn't about to give up something he wanted. I'm probably making him out to be a bit demanding but trust me, that's not how he is. Heh, he's more of a girl than I am at times.

After I accepted my feelings for what they truly were, I put off dating him for fear of what my friends would say. I had heard what they said about people we knew and even friends we had and I didn't want to be the topic of that kind of discussion. As much as I'm not afraid of what people say, here I was denying myself the possibility of a healthy and honest relationship, something I NEVER had, because of what people might think or say. Then I thought to myself: *what the hell am I doing here?! Fuck this shit* So I told my at-the-time best friend in secret. She told her big-mouthed small-brained boyfriend, who told all his friends. So after ceasing communication with her I only mentioned it when the situation called for it (if someone directly asked). I got made fun of, people called me 'fake' and 'confused' as if I was going through my bi phase all over again. My friends told me they didn't know who I was and that I didn't make any sense. And when I would try to salvage what was left of my dignity by telling them that I was dating him because I love him and that this love they all talked about didn't care about gender, they told me, "well, this who I think you are..." and proceeded to tell me who I am. Does that make sense? No one in this world knows a person than that very person; no one else.

So I went from identifying as a lesbian to a lesbian who likes one guy to a lesbian who is in love with a guy to a brief bisexual to pansexual to, finally, someone who doesn't give a fuck anymore. I still love women, I adore their bodies, the mind and the distinct way we carry ourselves with delicacy and warmth. I know that there's a large possiblity that I will never be with another woman again and though that dissapoints me I also know there is something better with this man I'm currently with. There are still people who'll argue with me to the grave over who they think I am, and to this I say, "find out who you are and deal with your issues first, then come find me." I do what I want, and that includes who I date. And if this love you all speak of is as blind as you all say, then let me date who I truly love and allow me to keep my own fucking counsel.

-love, peace & hair grease-

Ashe

Random thing I wrote a few days ago/today regarding *what else!* my coming out process.

My coming out process has been stop-and-go; I tell a group of people, get their reactions, then wait until I let more people in on the secret. I guess “hurry up and wait

(Actually it's not til now since I slept til fucking 4:oo)

I don't even know what I'm doing here... despite the fact that there are plenty of components I want/need in a relationship, I'm with someone who meets practically none of them. How insane is that? How insane am I to ignore my feelings just to say I'm with someone?

This is coming from last night. Last night was my junior prom (which was AMAZING I must say). Once my girlfriend showed up I made the mistke in telling her that there was another girl there wearing the same dress as her. Oops. She spent about 20 minutes whining about that. Little did I know that this other girl was someone she hates so it made for a huge scandal, apparently. If she wasn't complaining about that she was complaining about how fat she looked in her dress. Even though I kept telling her she looked gorgeous, which she most certainly did, and I even lightly slapped her, she still kept on with it.

Look, I understand being self-conscious. I am, contrary to what people think about skinny girls and their self-image. But wouldn't you like to push those feelings to the side for, at least, ONE evening? Everyone was beautiful; big, small, short, gangly, whatever! Everyone looked Bee-you-tee-ful. And I'm not even lying.

Anyway, after that died down and dinner was eaten, we hit the dance floor. She wouldn't dance with me. Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm a loud, social drifter. Especially on the dance floor I dance with everyone. But when I was *trying* to dance with my girl, she just stood there and looked at me strange. Yeah, I don't have any rhythm. Psh, so? Then when I tried to dance close to her, she didn't react much. It irritated the hell out of me so, eventually, I started dancing with other people. She was still hanging with me, but not really dancing. I figure this is my junior prom; I'm gonna have the best time of my life so I'm NOT gonna slow down just because my date wants to be an immobile lamey.

The last thing that bothered me the most was the fact that she left prom without me even knowing. I had gone to take my picture and lent her my cell to call her mom. When I got out of the photo room she had already gone. If it weren't for Meg, my friend, I wouldn't have known where the heck she had gone to.

I haven't talked to her since yesterday... and I don't know how long this is going to last. I want a mature, stable, committed relationship that is gonna last. She's not giving me that. My only problem is that I want to be in a relationship... but not with her. Hmmmph......what to do, what the hell to do....

That was just a rant. Rantshittttt.

written about a week ago. Based on a prompt of The Secret of Life:

The secret to life, in essence, is universal. There are just different ways to acheive it

What do we want? An undisputed love of life, and a purposeful life to live. No one has time to waste on silly mind games so being a grown child is a waste of life.

You want to know the secret? Laugh often, think realistically, don't forget to breathe. Keep it simple, stay one step ahead, keep your friends close and your enemies two steps behind.
And always, never forget that the ground is only to hold your feet; you are not rooted to its surface. My secret is yours: never stop fighting. Never stop living.

-Ashe

For being someone who likes to write, I sure forget about this place a lot

I'm sorry!

School is in its last leg; one more month and I'm officially a senior. Woo! I know it may not be as great as a lot of people think it is, but hell, I've worked 13 years to get here, and I'm gonna love it. It kinda sucks, though, that I caught "Senioritis" my sophomore year. When our teachers passed out our transcripts I discovered that I missed 66 out of 34 classes in Biology. Apparently, classes during lunch hours count as double. What the hell.

My only grievance right now is how the teachers cram all their last-minute lectures and big end-of-the-year projects into the the last month/few weeks. All of a sudden they pop up and say, "By the way! You have a big project and a paper with it that will make up your final presentation for this year!"

Why do all the major subjects in that sentence begin with P?

AND I have to write a mock entrance paper for english. The prompt: "How do you spend your free time?" Somehow I have to be proper, clever and accomplish the task. I'm good on the proper and accomplish parts... I'm not fucking clever! My mind is far too simple for that. My teacher read some essays by a guy named Jos Claerbout.... incredibly talented and creative man. He's dead now. Cardiac Arrest. He was 25 or so. The good truly die young.

I'll probably post a rough draft on here, just for the fuck of it. There's got to be some way I can incorporate my hours on the net into a clever and thought-out essay. Because, psh, I don't do anything else.

My next goal: be a dancer on one of those platforms on Soul Train. That'd be boss...if I had ANY rhythm at all. As everyone says, "you're pretty rhythmless for a black girl." Then I proceed to eye daggers in their general direction. How dare they.

My summer has pretty much come and gone without incident... nothing hugely good or bad has happened. The show I was in closed this past Sunday and, for being a brand-new play that no one's heard of by a little-known playwright (and a highschool student), it was a great success. The audience liked it, even if they did get a little uncomfortable in their seats at times.

What did we talk about in the show? drugs, teen pregnancy, abortions, cheating, lies, young love, sexuality, sex, dysfunctional families, drinking, truth, pain, hurt, joy, happiness, slavery, double standards, race, death, violence...

You know, all the good stuff.
It was a really down-to-earth show, and very real, thanks to the fact that a teenager wrote about what he knows best-- teenagers. And the #1 rule in playwrighting is to "write what you know". It was funny because even though he claimed not to have based his characters on people he knows, I found the one he based off of me:

Mari: A 15-year-old girl who is different from anyone else around her. She is also uncomfortable in her skin and contemplates her sexuality. She simply wants to, somehow, make her mark on this world and not be forgotten.

There are some differences (I'm 16, not 15 and I know I'm gay) but it's loosely based. It feels kinda weird to have something that relates so closely to yourself though.

As far as my love life goes, it's been pretty... stagnant and collecting flies. My last relationship lasted for about a month and a week, with a girl who was cool for about two weeks of that. Then her "friends" started making her do stupid and destructive things (drinking a bottle of cough medicine and trying to pass out... at school, doing drugs just to look cute, etc) and I slowly started to get sick of her. About a month into our relationship she attemtped suicide and got sent to the hospital under suicide watch for a week. After she got out, we tried to make it work, but I broke up with her because I didn't want to deal with her problems (as selfish as that sounds, I don't care really). We don't talk anymore, and I say good riddance.

School starts up in a few weeks but before that I have my AP History class. I still have two more chapters to read which... is boring as ever but if I wanna give myself any kind of a chance at excelling this year I have to resist being a lazy-ass.

Last note: The book Son of a Witch is coming out this September! Ahhh I'm so excited!! Those who have read Wicked might understand my excitement.

Pieces,

Ashe

Hey everybody out there! This is Ashe making a long-overdue visit. My name was originally Eversong if anyone on here remembers me. There's so many new people!

A small excuse to my absense: I forgot the address and couldn't bookmark it (due to the content and my not being out to my parents yet). Yeah, that's kinda lame but hey.

Some updates: I came out as a lesbian about a year ago and have been living comfortable since, with a few bumps along the way. I've been doing some productions, including stage managing a show. Long story short, it was horrible and I had a hand in it :( whoops. Oh well, her grade. ;p

I also changed my icon. It's from a play... try to guess which one ;)

That's all I got for right now, so see you around!

Ashe

I'm doing pretty good right now, my weeks at First Stage was great, however my week at the Modjeska was hell. I swear, I felt more crappy in that one week than I have (and probably will) this whole summer. The only good side about the Modjeska is that I got to see some friends from school-- I haven't seen them in a while. A bittersweet side was I got to see Jamie (my ex-gf) again after us not talking in almost two months. Things are back to normal between us and we're just friends... and, for once, I'm okay with that. I know what type of person she is and it's not the "type" for me. Yes, I still like her but it's not as intense as it was and I don't foolishly think I'm in love with her anymore. She herself said she's not the relationship type. Numerous times we just sat and talked about random stuff, just as friends. I feel like she finally considers me her friend (likewise) and that means a lot to me. It seems like the main reason we didn't talk was only because I felt like it would be awkward, only me. That probably comes from my paranoia, somewhat. But you can usually tell when someone asks you for advice on something, they value what you have to say... and consider it "friendly" advice. I do feel happy and closure, of some sorts. I guess by finally talking to Jamie, there's nothing "hanging" and everything's cool. I feel good about that. She asked me if I wanna hang out sometime, but that "sometime" seems to move farther and farther away. Oh well.

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