A silly little poem I wrote yesterday.

Premonition

Patrick.
I fell in love with your girlfriend.
I’m sorry.

When she realizes it
and takes my hand by the dip n dots
at your baseball game
in three months
(you’ll steal second and I’ll steal her)
please, Patrick…

forgive me.

sometimes i pretend i don’t see you
in the hallway
and just walk on by
pretending to be absorbed in
thoughts of English or a guy
or whatever goes through normal people’s minds
and somehow pretending not to care
about your wonderful, fascinating presence
brushing past me
never seems to work
because my pulse quickens enormously
no matter how big of lie i tell myself

people say you’re talkative

Granted, I haven’t consistently posted in a long time and hardly any of you know me because of the time gap in between my past posts and now, but I felt like posting. I love Oasis and I even love how it’s changed.

I’ve recently realized a few things about being gay. Looking back, I fought it so much…telling myself that I approved of the things I felt, but deep down wishing that I wasn’t so abnormal. I’ve never really been too different, too alien, from everyone around me, and I liked the feeling of being accepted. But according to society being gay is definitely abnormal (and according to some, it’s much worse than that). I’m still not exactly sure what I am as far as my sexual orientation goes but I’m really not fighting any outcome right now—gay or otherwise. I know I like girls…and I’m not doing anything to change that. I’m also not going out of my way to make sure I like guys equally because I’ve learned the hard way that feelings aren’t something you can alter on a whim. They’re part of me. I’ve got to deal with them, the same way that I’ve got to deal with the fact that my eyes are brown…there’s nothing I can do it change it.

if my conscience could
lay down its arms
and keep its distance
so that i could see the sun again
i would lay down my facade
and shrink the distance
the long, impossible mile
that superates us
as i sit down by you in the empty hallway

you wait like the angel you are
as i pace around
halfway looking for any straying pieces of me
that shattered when the cross doubled over
and hit my soul

Funny thing is,
i think i want a break
from this feeling
that i love so much
sometimes

cause it eats my stomach
when she’s brushing
her hair
and we’re getting ready to see our
boyfriends
at her favorite restaurant
(that goddamn restaurant
with the music…
the one i’d love to take her to
so i could say i love her
with that music in our heads)

Funny thing is,
i seem to avoid hugging her,

“It’s cold as hell out here,

I’m so tired right now that stationary things are moving.

But the posts must go on.

Saw that controversial Jesus Christ movie that everyone’s been raving about, and I must say that I’m impressed. It was well done, though I don’t think it did for me what it did and will do for many others who go to see it.

I went with two female friends of mine, one of which I somewhat have feelings for. Interestingly enough, she ended up reaching for my hand in the middle of the movie (the violence bothered her?), and we sat there in the theatre for the remaining hour or so holding hands and snuggled close like lovers. Still not quite sure whether it was her, or the fact that it was just a girl I was holding that made me enjoy that.

“Of course I disagree with it. What? I mean, come on…Do you agree with gay marriage?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Whoever said that people are happier when they're busy and rushed should take a vacation (and/or join a community such as Oasis, fall in love with it, and try to keep up with it).

I do drop in often to keep up with your blogs, but I can't find the time to update my own. Some of you continue to amaze me as far as writing goes. Sheesh.

But anyway I think I'll update with a poem.

My apologies for being gone so long. Life is hell sometimes.

Right now? Only the space heater keeps me warm amid the cold ache of wondering where she is and what she’s doing. Someone’s love song is playing on the radio in the background and I guess I’d get up and go turn it off if I felt like at least attempting to forget her. It’s funny how I can relate more to male singer’s songs than to a female’s. But it’s all straight. And it sometimes seems so perfect for straight lovers...so innocent and smiled upon.

could I cry
the tears
you wanted so badly to see
or seemed to pull
from the heap of my emotions
sprawled on the floor
and I bet you’re still staring at it
like you got no clue, right?

don’t use that word on me, it still stings

please, before I fade,
wipe all those shattered pieces of my soul
off your hands
off your lotion soft hands
with all the wisdom lines drawn on them in pen

This is a short story that I wrote a while ago. I realize it's long, but I encourage anyone who's thinking of coming out or already is out to read it.

“Mom?

I was staring today, I know it.

Electricity in rows above learning minds,
All florescent, in line with the school's budget.
I throw out my mind like I'm part of it all.

They flash by the windows like tributaries, like dark beams
All scowls and eyes like ebony bars.
Bright little girls in dim little worlds.

Your guarded laughing still comes back to me in memories.
All bracelets and sweatshirts, holding your sleeves

Yep, you guessed it...it's a poem about Spidey himself.

Spiderman, Spiderman swing me away
We’ll reach the horizon and hold back today
Take me from the fighting down here on the ground
Before they ask for your net so the world won’t crash down

Spiderman, Spiderman I’ve forgotten the view
Away from the city’s electric white-blue
Show crippled eyes the wheat and the stars
That my soul may remember amid the city’s loud cars