This day has gone from okay to hell. I just realized how depressed I am. I hate it, because I act better, and sometimes I think I am better, I can deal with it now, there aren't 40 new slashes on my arm every day, but I am no better off. I miss having someone call me sweetheart, I miss holding hands at the movies, and sweet kisses, and slow dances. I miss 2 hour long phone calls and smiling. I don't even care if she sees this, but I like her so much, we have so much in common, she is beautiful. I know her heart is elsewhere, but it doesn't change anything. I guess I'll see, but I'm not like that. I make a fool of myself with sweet comments and poems. I'm so confused... Normally I could forget, I'm not good with the whole 'courting' thing... I'd never see them again unless I called anyway, you know my luck, meeting the person who lives an hour away. No, she is in my school, goddesses though, she can make me smile... I should just forget and let her move on, let her live her life... I can't though... I don't even know what to do now... We are always busy, a date is just about impossible... I'm not even sure if she likes me like that...

I'm going to rant, I have to, I need to get this on paper, and for once melo isn't a place I can go because She is there. I like her so much, I can't say love, but something inside of me wants to. I want to be the person she smiles at, I want it to be for me. I know she sees me, really I do, but I'm stuck in a ditch and I don't know how to go forward. I want to just tell her everything, how she manages to sneak into my thoughts and I smile and am happy when I think about her, how her smile can make my day a smidge brighter.

All right, you all get to hear about my massive crush. I know you all love reading it too, but hey so do I, we can be pathetic together...

She is a gorgous punk rocker, but not those people who just say they are, and shop at Hot Topic. She really is, she is a rebel with a cause, and kinda emo like me (haha) she plays guitar and piano and is so free spirited. Being with her brings the biggest smile to my face, and she can sympathize with alot of what I am and have been going through (cutting in particular) She is in my voice class so we hang out every day (wow I have a crush who goes to my school, its a miricle) The good news is, she's gay too, and I think we are going out this Friday. *woot woot*

(Click on Read More - Ed)

Okay, so I haven't posted in awhile (or a really long time...) but it is because I miss my family, my oasis family. This site is becoming like any other, I hardly know anyone anymore, it isn't personal... but here I am, updating you on my life... taken from my webjournal...

Today: It's been almost 2 years since I have gotten crap about my sexuality, well it is starting again, and while it doesn't hurt me, it bugs me. People are so sterotypical, cruel, ignorant, and just plain rude. In the library we have a sign in book for study, well, I cam in and next to my name "dyke" was written. First off, that isn't an insult, not unless you are ignorant enough to think it one, secondly, if you are going to insult me of make fun of me at least be man (or woman) enough to do it to my face.

I Miss my site, I hardly ever post now... I don't like blogs...

Well, not too much going on I just figured I'd post... From here I don't know where to go... I'm in love with her, so much, but we both know nothing can be done, not now... I think my mother has guessed. If either of our parents find out, it will be the end of it, I'll never see her again and I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't be able to go on, and I know that sounds awful but it is true...

Well, this weekend was the 4-H fair and Talia and bunches of other people and I were there. Yay. We shared a tent with two other girls... (this does get interesting)Anyways, things have been heating up between Talia and I, Ever since that first night we kissed I can't get her out of my head, and now... well, I should explain our two nights at fair first.

All right, I know, it sounds dirty but it isn't. In the long hours of my Solo at camp I did alot of self searching. Actually, I probably spent more time contemplating the world we live in... which wasn't a good idea. I'm about ready to go live on a desert island...

I'm leaving in about 5 minutes for a month of camp... I'm single now... which will be fun, but I am going to miss you all immensly!!

Talk to you when I return!!

It hasn't fully hit me yet, but I've already cried twice today...

All right this may take me awhile, but first off, I am a Unitarian Universalist and this week I attended a worldwide General Assembly held in Boston and there were over 12,000 UU's there and if you knew the size of my congregation, you would be pretty damn excited too! But, onwards, first YAY FOR THE VOTE IN TEXAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We all cheered about that at the service that morning, it was awesome. In the youth rooms you would look around and see two guys, two girls, bunches of guys, bunches of girls, one of each, bunches of each. IT DIDN'T matter!! You could be ANYTHING and still be accepted, I love UUs.

All I have to do is look at the prom pictures and I burst out into a smile...

Well, its that kind of pain that feels so good it burns, and yet you crave it, the kind of pain that can keep you on a high for days after just a few minutes... no, it's not sex.... love.....