That sometimes I can actually be really funny?
That the reason I don't smile is that I feel like an idiot?
That making fun of my quietness just makes me pull farther away?
That this "innocent little girl" can hear everything you're saying, even though you send her inside and close the door?
That I understand everything you're talking about behind that door?
That I'm so lonely sometimes I just want to cry and cry and cry, but the tears won't come?
That all it took to make my day was someone saying, "I'm really glad you're here?"
That that was the only time someone told me that?
This week has been pretty good. I asked my mom & she says I can get some bettas, which is awesome!!! I'm planning on either getting two girls, Xena & Gabriel, or a girl and a boy (separated of course), Buffy & Spike (in which case maybe they could "accidentally" end up in the same tank for an hour and have some fish babies!).
Wow, I haven't been on here for a long time. Oh well, I've been busy finishing school. So here's my life:
Dad & I are on episode 40 of BSG, one of SyFy's few unique, watchable shows. I really thought they were going to kill my favorite character, Gayda, last episode, but he survived. Barely.
I got into Julie of the Wolves without even going to callbacks (a remarkable feat at a theatre that turns away 50% of the auditioners), and I got a major role along with some ensemble parts.
It's cheesy I know, but this is exactly what I've been feeling lately:
I cannot believe what an incredible chicken I am. I mean, I can actually see the feathers and that weird little red thing hanging off my chin when I look in the mirror.
I had the perfect chance the other day and I blew it.
My friend, "Ali," has changed, and it's not good.
Ever since 4th grade, she's been my "BFF," my partner in whatever the opposite of crime is. We were goody-two-shoes together. The twin teacher's pets.
Flash forward to the present. Ali has sent me text messages with unfortunate double meanings to try to make me uncomfortable and started telling me about the creepy pervs in her class. She also thinks that putting a condom on a banana makes for a story funnier than the entire first season of Seinfeld. I always said that she would snap one day, and it seems she has.
I hate myself. I'm scared. This is starting to get serious.
Waiting in the dark behind the curtain. Laurie starts to sing and we're all swaying to the music, dancing silently as we mouth along with the words. Sammy walks over from her entrance. She smiles at the other girls but passes them by. I watch and I know she's coming for me--she always does.
Went to an online poetry lesson for credit yesterday. We had to write a cinquain together, it sucked but that's just cause I hate working with people...then while they wrote one I wrote one about my issues with being in groups of teenagers. Here it is:
In plain sight I
Am the one that doesn't
Quite fit this puzzle of people
So this girl at rehearsal is really starting to get on my nerves. She's always stroking my hair and kicking my butt and slapping me (not very hard) and it's very annoying. I'm really passive ever since I got in all these fights in early grade school, so I tried to ignore her, but that just sends her off on these rants about how I ignore her so much. Here's the most recent episode, during a choreography rehearsal:
Her: (putting arm around my shoulders)"Oh my god, are you ignoring me?"
Me: (wriggling away) Silence
Her: (slapping my back) "You always ignore me!"
It was a typical rainy day at TCES, and Mrs. Payseno's 3rd grade class trooped through the foyier and into Trillium hall to teach the new 2nd graders circle games. As we formed a circle, I darted around Willow and squeezed in between her and my best friend, Keaton. We smiled at each other and looked around, trying to hear the conversation my enemy, Zoe, was having with her frenemies.
"...MY mom lets me wear makeup."
"I'm wearing makeup right now."
"YES. See?" Zoe pulled down an eyelid and stuck her face close to Kelly's, pointing out a smear of grey makeup.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! I am so tired. I just got back from Italy and I am SO TIRED. I wasn't allowed to sleep on the plane back, but I did anyway and it didn't really help. I collapsed on my bed at 6:00. Then I woke up again. I have been up since 1:30 in the morning, during which time I have watched half a season of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," done 3 lessons, played Math Jeopardy, and gone to rehearsal. I am literally cramming sugar down my throat to stay awake.
I've started to notice that I'm not so much "bisexual" as "lesbian, straight, lesbian, straight..." Some days I feel zero attraction to the opposite sex, to the point where I feel creeped out even thinking about them. Then the next day I'm completely in love with the idea of a handsome prince and I think that "maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm straight and it was just a phase," which leads to "Dear GOD what have I done? I can't believe that I said I was QUEER!"
Went to dinner at the neighbors’ tonight. They seem nice. Jim is a pastor or something and he and his wife are retired. They’re going on a sabbatical to Moscow, where there are communal vodka drinking glasses and no one has any black socks. They are going to be staying with their missionary friends and going to a conference where Jim will be teaching other pastors. Tory is collecting shampoo because they don’t have that there either, apparently. Also the sidewalks aren’t even.
If you could understand,
I’d surely tell you
I’d tell you pain
I’d tell you joy
If you could hear the songs
And screams and laughter
I’d let you in my heart
And make you stay
But who can ever know the fear I’m facing?
The monster I must fight
To reach the great Abyss
And looking down, confront my fears
And build a bridge of dreams
No one can know the ecstasy of winning
Or feel the jaws of death if I should fail
But if silence stays I’ll be forever spinning
And never make it out to see the day
If you could understand, I’d surely tell you
So I'm just sitting here watching Friends on a Friday night, laughing at some mildly funny jokes, when I start to notice a pattern. Homophobic jokes. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that homophobia is just now starting to become socially unacceptable. But Friends is from the 90s, which really isn't that long ago, and they don't make racist jokes. And the saddest part is, I laugh automatically when I hear those jokes. It really says a lot about our society's stance on homosexuality: we should be nice to gay people, but making fun of them is fine.