God I'm bored. And frustrated. I seem to have shifted back to being bi & the boy I thought I liked got asked out by a somewhat-friend of mine. Damn! Oh well, it's not like TOLO is really my thing. I'd prefer to have someone else go out on a limb and risk rejection by me than the other way around. But he was really cute and now I'm sad.
Also, the key club's DataMatch results came in & mine are pretty dismal. Out of the 30 results, the people I knew that I was matched with:
1. A teacher (eew!)
2. A girl I'm completely terrified of
3. A gay boy

I can't wait to meet Sculley, Princess Lea, Chekov, Prince Humperdink, Captain Picard, Wesley Crusher, and Lando Calrissian! That's right, Comic Con is coming to town!
this year I even have money, so I can get more than one signature, & I'm going (hopefully) w/ my best friend Dagny. Also did I mention Sculley, princess Lea, chekov, Prince Humperdink (PRINCE HUMPERDINK), Captain Picard, Wesley Crusher, and Lando Calrissian??? EEEEEK!!!!!!!!
I LOVE the Emerald City! Our Comic Con rocks! I'm super hyper! Can you tell?!

You see this? It's fifty dollars. And it's yours if you'll be my friend. Not indefinitely, just for one night. Next year I'm turning sixteen and I need you to come to my party and tell me how pretty I look. I need you to go to the back of your mind and dredge up some happy memory that I was somehow involved in and tell it to everyone. Tell me how you love me SO MUCH, and you're so proud of how far I've come since we first met. Say I'm one of your best friends. Smile. Hug me. Get a little misty-eyed, then give me a generic giftcard and promise we'll go sweater-shopping together.

Turns out I've been on Oasis for 1 year & 1 week. That's 1 year & 2 weeks that I've known that I'm queer. It's weird, it feels like it wasn't that long ago. That also means I'm overdo for a doctor's appointment...oh well.

Theatre update:
*The Sound of Music, a 3-hour extravaganza, will be performing in a week. I'm playing "bitchy nun" Heidi, who sings about wimples
*Only 10 days till my next show, Narnia: The Musical, starts. Not only will I be acting in it, I have also been named co-designer on the Makeup team. I presented my designs to the director and he said they were great! Also, apparently my audition songs was "the best I'd ever sung," so I'm a shoe-in for the White Witch!

So since I've changed a lot since I first came here I thought I'd reintroduce myself, both to you and me.
My name is Maddie (or Maddie Joy, whatever). I'm fifteen and I live in Washington, where it's very green and the seasons don't really mean anything.
After about a year of thinking about it I've finally figured out that I'm a lesbian. I think it took me so long because I had all those stereotypes in my head--the sporty, muscly, short-haired girl who wears a tie and pants, and I don't fit any of those. I'm tiny (petite, really), bookish, and I only wear skirts.

Aparently my cousin Jack (who I mistook for a mute) is quite the perceptive guy. So perceptive, in fact, that with only a few well-placed inquiries into my father's involvement with the Boy Scouts, he was able to figure out that I'm gay. I'm not sure exactly what he said, since Dad was a tad intoxicated at the time, but apparently something tipped him off.
Also, my admiration for Portia de Rossi may have alerted my cousins Isaac and Mira...
Anyway, it seems that my cover is pretty much blown. Now I'll just have to sit back and watch what happens.

Oh, my god oh my god oh my GOD! I am totally addicted to Civ V. I've set Alexander the Great vs Queen Elizabeth vs Napoleon vs Rameses II vs Darius vs Ghandi, and it was awesome. Now I'm playing as Elizabeth I vs Catherine the Great vs all these other people & it's SO COOL!
so yeah. Happy solstice, folks.

He was my director the first time I was in a play. His Elmo impression was infamous amongst the younger actors, and he was always ready with a hug or high-five for those who needed it. this was a man who I admired, looked up to. I even loved him, because he was a part of the theatre that was also my home.
I knew him for ten years, though the last few years we saw each other less. Then today my director came to ask me how long I had been friends with him on Facebook. The questions kept coming, and finally I had to ask.
"Is something wrong?"

I just bought a rainbow bracelet, one of those big rubber ones. Maybe not the best way of coming out, but I figure if I wear it my gayety will just kind of seep into the general conciousness.

Mr. Rahlfs says that there were no famous or influential women in acient Greece. He also thinks Alexander had sex with a bunch of women. Well, my good friends Sappho (Lesbian poet), Aspasia (Athenian wise woman), and Cynisca (Spartan horsebreeder, 1st female Olympic winner) disprove his first point, and Hephaestion (Alexander's BFF, 2nd in command & BF) pretty much shames him and the public school system.

Sometimes I want to just walk up to someone and say "Hi, how are you? Lovely weather, just exquisite rain we're having. Do we have homework in composition? And by the way, I'm queer."
I wouldn't even stop to see thier reaction, just walk away.
I had a dream last night that Oasis was a lunch table and this girl just walked up and started hitting on me. She was ridiculously hot but I just sat there and bit my lip like I always do.

She looks around the room, wide-eyed. Her short hair shifts and its snow-white strands flutter back to where they were, settling perfectly around her soft face.
I follow her home from school on accident--I didn't realize she came this way. I stay paces behind, just far enough behind so that I don't scare her away. Her blue eyes are so wide, doe-like, that I'm wary of frightening her. Suddenly she veers off the path, stepping off the long line of gravel and into the thin stipe of woods that runs along next to the road. I blink, and she's gone--vanished, where I don't know.

...But not in the way I expected.
I went to the cast party at Red Robin's today & I ended up sitting with a boy I mentioned earlier in one of my journals. I know that he's trans (I knew him as a girl first) and he mentioned that he had a lot of friends on the internet and I said, "Have you ever been on Oasis? It's this writing place for queer people; I'm on there a lot..."

As the title may suggest, I've just finished reading "Keeping You a Secret." I checked it out from the schoo library earlier and read it all through rehearsal. The author described my fear so perfectly that 1/2 the book might just as well have been me.
I'm going to come out. No BS this time. I'm going to go one person at a time, and one day maybe I'll find there's no one left.