This month has been mostly a hell, the first week of it I was really depressed and my parents made things worse, I tried to kill myself twice, I made more cuts and my birthday really sucked, I spent all day holding tears at school, faking smiles and lying to my parents saying to them that I had a good day and that I was really tired, I actually cried all night at home and thought a lot of suicide and why I had failed last time (2 days before); some times I get some little euphoric or maniac episodes and after they're gone I feel worse.
The Colombian congress is debating about approving gay marriage and it seems that it will be approved (I hope so!). I never thought that here something like that would be approved or even debated because we are a religious, mostly conservative country, but things are getting better.
Yesterday was horrible.
I missed my chance with death, I had the razor going down on my wrists, blinded by emotions, tears streaming down my face and my fucking brain told me to not do it tonight just because today my aunt had her birthday. Typical from me, missing my chances with good things just to make people happy. Anyways I made a tiny cut that will be hard to cover and another 10 that I'll have to explain in 2 weeks if they don't heal fast. I'm fucked up.
This day and last week had been so good (except my suicide night).
Last night I went to a party and it was awesome. I was the first one to arrive so it was awkward until one of my best friends came and then Nico came, I got nervous and felt awkward until I went to another table. Everything was great and then the bar started giving shots, I drank one, then my friends gave me more and I got tipsy and I started talking to many people and started hugging them (Nico was one of them). My best friend and I got the cute stare that is like "You're such a cute couple" and gossip spread.
Things have been really awkward lately.
3 days after Christmas there was this guy at the beach (he was like 30) that started talking to me and apparently he was hitting on me and I was to stupid to not realize it and my mom made him go giving him a death glare.
It's been a while, but I'm in the mood to write a post and first of all merry Christmas to everyone (even if its late).
My parents had a week on a cabin in the beach so they were going to sell it, but no one bought it and my sister came from Argentina and she wanted to come. It was a long trip, I'm with my best girl friend and its been awesome.
Remember the fugly gay guy I had talked about in other posts? Well, I messed things with him. I was talking with my friends about my job when some friend said that I will be a male prostitute and that I would be that kid prostitute, I joked with it saying that he was jealous because at least he buys me when he was walking by, I think he heard me and I said it out loud (Shit!) so he probably did. The rest of the day he kept staring at me and its awkward. Today things got weirder.
So this has been a problem since I decided to not make part of any religion in my old school where I had to stand some hateful comments about it, I fought but then I just realized I shouldn't give a fuck about it because that's one of my reasons I stopped believing in some god that says he's the only one so most of the people will say their gods are fake and that they will go to hell. Every religion class was a fight for standing up for my beliefs, but I wasn't alone, there were some other classmates that think the same way, but I stopped fighting and they lost interest.
Last week and this week have been kinda stressful because I'm failing maths and my parents think I'm lazy and that I don't understand when I do. Anyways I knew las week was going to be horrible, my depression is trying to get back, I made new cuts, hit really hard my leg with a rock and I think I made some damage, it haven't healed completely and my suicide thoughts got back.
Remember my crush? Well, he is straight and he has a crush on my best friend. After knowing it, I felt bad but then every emotion was gone. It's good and bad because I can't feel bad, I can't make me feel bad, but the problem is that I'm not enjoying things with my friends :/.
My friends are so accepting about gays, but they got the bad point of view of gays thanks to some pervy gay guy that's in my class and some friend wants a gay friend
Good update: today I came out to some of my best friends
Its been a long time since I've been here and many things have happened
• Told Nico about my huge crush on him, he replied "Be happy with your life"
• My new school is super cool and I love it
• My aunt is coming to live here in Colombia
• kicked my old school ass with my final grades on Spanish and physicis
• My new best friends are the best thing in the world and one of them calls me "gay friend" and it's because she tells me everything and she don't want anything with me
I'm so lost here that many things happened:
I went to Medellin and met with a few old friends and one of them was with some guy from Florida, he was always trying to impress me and I flirt a little.
Dad got hospitalized until yesterday and when I visited him, he got in quarentine and I had to stay in some neighbor house until someone could get me home and watch for me.
So basically what haven't happened?
On Tuesday some girl from the other class pulled out my writing therapy notebook and passed it to some friend when someone told me: "Whats this Daniel?" and I immediately ran for it because they were on the page were I wrote my big crush for Nico and the one who had it threw it to the bitch that got it out and I went to her and she didn't let me reach it until I grabbed her head and pushed it until it hit the floor. She ran away as I grabbed my things and went to other place when some teacher reached me and we talked.