More wedding planning, more absence.

Ask Tell Deceive — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 01:16:17 +0400

I'm going to have to take a break from Oasis again, as a few troubles have come up with wedding planning. I will try to come back soon!

Stream of consciousness: marriage

Ask Tell Deceive — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 23:11:56 +0400

Jittery.

That's the word.

Jittery.

I'm getting married.

What wonderful words.

How utterly terrifying.

Am I really doing the right thing?

Yes.

Maybe.

No, definitely I am.

I think.

I love him.

He loves me.

Right?

Marriage fails so often...

Ours will last.

I'm sure.

No I'm not.

Stop panicking, woman, you know it will.

I know, I'm just scared.

I love him, that's enough.

His parents don't approve...

Yes, they do; they love you.

What will his family say when I have no family at the wedding?

What about children?

Terribly sorry, but I won't be online much for a while.

Ask Tell Deceive — Sun, 15 May 2011 07:06:12 +0400

I won't be on very much for a while. I've got a lot of things on my plate, including planning out a wedding. This is very hard work. I also realized I have nobody to invite. That makes things slightly easier for me. But still, I'm very busy and will only be online occasionally for the next few months. I'm also interviewing for a job. I hope it goes well. I will be reading journals and perhaps commenting, and I love you all very much. See you!

A small comment from my soon-to-be-husband

Ask Tell Deceive — Tue, 10 May 2011 18:31:44 +0400

Hey thar. My name's Stieg. I'm not much of a writer, so I'll just say what I have to say and not waste any of your time.

Thank you all for being here for Jessica. I've known her for a long time, and she's never opened up to a large group of people. The people she has opened up to have been the wrong people for most of her life. You guys have apparently been pretty helpful and for that I tip my hat to you. I've heard a lot about you and it's all pretty good. So thanks again. And have a great day, while you're at it.

I'm home! And- the best news. Engagement!

Ask Tell Deceive — Sun, 08 May 2011 07:20:27 +0400

Just got back from California. I am doing very nicely.

Stieg proposed to me! He took me to a beautiful, secluded garden and asked me to marry him. I nearly passed out! Of course I said yes, and we are engaged to be married in August. :)

Hello again, everyone. Good news!

Ask Tell Deceive — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 04:15:10 +0400

I apologize for being absent. As is surprising to myself and most likely you, I have been taking an extended vacation in California... with my new boyfriend, Stieg. :) We are staying at the Disneyland Resort, and having a splendid time. I feel utterly alive being here and being with Stieg. I hope everyone here is doing well! I will try to get online again sometime tomorrow, and I'll be here all night tonight.

Finished

Ask Tell Deceive — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 05:13:37 +0400

Shelby is right, in a bitchy, irritating and self-righteous way. I'm done trying to justify selfish actions. I'll live, and I'll try to help myself.

My foolishness having been lifted by a certain Oasis member...

Ask Tell Deceive — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 15:49:04 +0400

I have resolved to end my life when I get home. It's stupid of me to listen to others' reasons for living because it's my decision. It's my life and I shall do with it what I please, and in this case that means I'll finish it. Thank you, everyone, for attempting to get me to decide otherwise, but I must thank Shelby for giving me the conviction to go through with my decision without, I suppose, 'attention whoring'.

Hope (poem)

Ask Tell Deceive — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 04:03:11 +0400

Cold,
cold,
is there any hope
for
this thing
of unspeakable pain?
Black,
black,
there is no going back
to
the place
where I played as a child.
Love,
love,
the thing that flies above
like
a crow
mocking those below.
Peace,
O peace,
I cannot find release;
in
this world
there's no haven for this girl.
Bye,
good-bye,
I cannot live this lie;
but when
I tried,
my life was justified.
Hope,
hope,
climbing such a steep slope
as
healing
the pain bites and stings.
Now,
now,
I think that I see how
I
can live
in this world that I was given.

To clarify... (To whom it may concern)

Ask Tell Deceive — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 01:18:14 +0400

I have good reasons for wanting to die. And few not to. This is a chart to explain the feelings that I have, and that I believe shows that my desires are not weak, cowardly, or stupid. They are well thought-out and weighed carefully.

Reasons to die:
1.) Reunite with deceased family and lover.
2.) Become closer to YHWH.
3.) End the pain of unwanted, hellish memories.
4.) End my addiction to drugs.
5.) Free myself from a body that I do not belong in.

Reasons not to die:
1.) It would make about three people upset.
2.) I might be in love with someone.

Love?

Ask Tell Deceive — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 00:31:08 +0400

My only friend, Stieg, has admitted that he is in love with me today. I don't know what to think of that. I think I may love him too, but considering the bizarre attitudes of my emotions, can I really trust that? Could it be that I am so much in need of love that I just think I'm in love?

Hospitalized

Ask Tell Deceive — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 04:25:59 +0400

I'm alive. The last message I wrote you was not written while I was high, although I was drunk and about to swallow the pills that landed me in a public hospital. I hate it here.

I will be honest. I wish I had succeeded. As someone here noted, it was april fool's day when I posted. I wasn't joking, but perhaps the world was when it refused to let me die.

I'm sitting in bed with my laptop, with a nurse posted nearby so as to make sure I'm alright. They were upset with Stieg because he was the only one who could bring me here and do all the paperwork. I have no next-of-kin, after all.

Bqrely alsive

Ask Tell Deceive — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 06:58:29 +0400

Thi sis probably the nast post i put up here. Its too much, it really is. I can't tell you how mard it is to even get myself to move, except to inject again and again. I can't live juke this anymore. I'm freeingmyself/ I wn't be overdosinf on drugs either. I'm going to die withut the things that shiuld be klling me.

i'm saying goodinght to uyo all nnw, and to stieg, andn to evetyone who eer spported me. I love you all.

Weeping Children (poem)

Ask Tell Deceive — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 17:14:21 +0300

Yellow fingers burning in an ashtray
and charred throats lined with blood

Scars beneath elbows and
people stretching lazily across the couch

dreaming of someplace they wish they can reach
but is far from their reality

smoke drifts through the room
smelling sweet and pure

brilliant minds lost to opium
thoughts once thought are thought no more

nothing exists but this heavenly inferno
of hazy dreams and broken hearts

spilled wine flows drunkenly in rivers along the floor
percolating the wooden boards

Butterflies drift through the room
and spirits fly outside

An interesting song

Ask Tell Deceive — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 16:57:32 +0300