Regi came over this morning and we baked cookies and at some point we were talking about possible dorm-living in college, and she said that of all her friends, I'm the one with whom she would most prefer to be roommates. Smile. I feel loved.

Ladybug and I explored another old abandoned building today - maybe the only other exploration-worthy one in town, I don't know. This one was bigger and spookier and full of graffiti and asbestos and pigeon feces, and there were pigeons moving around in the attic above the asbestos and scaring the wits half out of us. Maybe only scaring the wits a sixth out of us. And it was fun. And Ladybug is really nice, and fun, and everything.

Have you lot seen those feathers girls have taken to wearing in their hair? They're long and skinny and soft and black-and-white striped. A tremendous number of my classmates have them, and they seem to have appeared kind of suddenly - like one month nobody even knew what they were, the next month at least one or two girls in every class period were wearing them.

So Shelby pointed out that I've been 'whiteknighting,' which is pretty much true. I'm not sure whether what I write here in this entry will be an attempt at an explanation or just me trying to figure it all out in my own mind.

Twice now in the very recent, I've stuck up for someone despite bitter opposition: first and most dramatically for Lone Wolf against just about everyone, now on a much smaller scale for Flyby against Shelby. If another situation arises, I might do it again. And... I just need to sort out why.

And I have no idea why. It's like those days everybody has when ey feels like it's Friday, or Tuesday, or something, even though ey knows, in eir mind, that it's actually Wednesday - yeah. For the past few days, I've been feeling like it's November.

Sat on a park bench downtown by the creek in the rain. Waited for someone else lonesome to sit down beside. Gave up and wandered and looked at the other park benches downtown in the rain - all empty. A few couples wandering about. A few shoppers. A few pedestrians. Nobody lonesome on a park bench downtown in the rain. Walked home.

It's been a while since I've made a normal journal entry.... not much has been going on in my offline life, but there's been a lot of drama on here, which I, like everyone else, have no desire to continue.

'FLYBY,' part of a butterfly, part of a rainbow, the 'GA' of 'GAJINDIAK,' and several smilies.

*hugs* and some smilies.

'BABY RAINBOWSY,' one end of a rainbow, the 'YBY' of 'FLYBY,' and some smilies.

I might catch a glimpse of Grey tonight. I hope I don't. And I really hope she doesn't see me, which is why I'll be in disguise. More information later, unless something shatteringly dramatic happens...

Dear Santa,
I would like a __________ for Christmas.
Thank you,
------

I'm kind of tempted to tell my new friend Jude about Oasis... I'm not sure it's a good idea, though. I've been thinking, maybe too much, and can think of pretty good reasons both for and against it. So, I want to know what you guys think.

Reasons to introduce Jude to Oasis:

Literally, is there really more than one way? How else would one do it but an incision from genitals to throat, belly to ankles, chest to wrists?

Anyway, that's what we're doing at school now. I'm good at it, of course - all the experience, though none with cats (other mammals aren't any different, though) and none preserved and bloodless (this does make a difference). But I wasn't always so callous.

I have a strange relationship with truth and deception, I've realised. I have some need to always be deceiving someone - not just withholding some detail of the truth, but actually actively deceiving. But I'm bad at separating the lie from the reality, bad at staying honest and clear in my head.

A lie told often enough threatens to become the truth. A truth told for too long often, gradually, becomes a lie.

Truth be told, I'm kind of proud of myself for staying away for four entire days. I could have snuck on on Friday morning, or Monday night, but I didn't. Of course, I've got a devil of a lot of posts to read, but even so, I'm proud of getting out and having a life. On the other hand, I missed you guys!

That was unquestionably the most sexual experience I have ever had. I know, this sort of thing happens to a lot of people every day and they think nothing at all of it, but for me, in whose life even the best of friends rarely touch and even then only with shoulder-bump hugs, this is a big deal.