Today was blissfully amazing. I had lots of free time and thus lots of time spent with Wren.
I was freaking out about my spanish test. “I’m going to fail” I said. “I think you’ll do well.” en (gender neutral pronoun) said. “Thanks, but I’m probably going to fail” En looks me in the eye, takes both my hands in ens and says “I think you’re going to be just fine.” My heart melted. Usually when I lack self-confidence people either believe or agree with me.
I think I'm actually insane. Actually. I've just been putting together all the pieces, little "quirks" I thought were normal (and a few I knew weren't) and I might actually be totally out of my mind. Or rather, in my mind and out of reality.
So there's the OCD tendencies, which are a lot more pronounced upon reflection than it seems most of the time.
there's the anxiety and panic attacks.
the dislike of loud, sudden noises and large groups of people
the weird alternately bubbly and immensely introspective moods that come and go without warning.
Hello Everyone. It's been awhile....too much homework, too tired, too much panic=too little time. I feel like my body and brain are falling apart again just as my life is coming together which proves that fate is an evil little bitch.
Hello everybody! I wish I could say that the whole digging-my-finger-nails-into-my-arm-to-calm-down is getting better, but I regret to inform that it is, in fact, worsening. I'm going to talk to the school counselor about it after break cause it'll be easier to talk to him than my mom.
But I'm in a good (relatively) mood today and the above is not why I'm posting this journal.
So, to the point:
I feel so cold. Cold and alone.
Crying myself to sleep again at night. Hoped never again, but oh well.
My parents lecture me on how getting hysterical or panicky doesn't help anything. Like it's a choice. Hey. I'm being as calm as I bloody well can and you're not helping.
I feel like shit.
Not how I feel presently but I wanted to post it anyway....
Not of Lying:
Staying in PJs
and watching movies on the computer.
plodding around the internet
reading entire book series
Eating Ramen or leftovers when I’m hungry
Which isn’t till 1 at the earliest
Prowling the house
looking for something to do
that my parents would raise their eyebrows at
not for profanity or explicitly
but because they don’t equate it with me.
This is me alone.
This is not who my parents know.
Right now, I love winter break.
Most of the time I hate it, but right now, it's the best.
Sitting home by myself two days in a row wearing pajamas past 2pm and watching happy lesbian movies....old favorites and a few new ones. Blasting music, reading, cuddling my kittens. Right now, no matter what else has happened, no matter what I'm worried will happen, life is good.
But there are still marks on my wrist
and only a matter of time before new ones are formed.
Imagine Me and You
I Can't Think Straight
The World Unseen
I cannot show my mother my wrist
scattered with the red half-moon marks left by my nails
She will not understand
that the pain allows me to be in control
even when I’m so far out of control
that I’ve lost myself.
I control the pain.
I control the emotions through my head by replacing them
the adrenaline rush to my brain.
I know it’s wrong
to hurt myself. I disappoint myself every time
because I was out of control enough to resort to this.
But I keep losing control, and I need the control
Sometimes it’s all I have.
I’m sure they could give me medicine
I've had such a shitty day.
I've never panic attacked at school before. Much less in the middle of a test. So I dug my nails into my skin and it stopped. But then I panic attacked again so I once more dug in my nails. It works, but it makes me feel sick. I know I shouldn't be doing this, hurting myself. I've had lasting marks three times this week, which definitely means it's worse. I showed one of my friends cause I couldn't keep it to my self anymore. Too scared. Too sad.
So, I am now feeling much better having listened to Cantina, by Voltaire,...I don't know, it's an I NEED MENTAL BLEACH PRONTO song, but it makes you think a) "at least I'm not being raped by half the characters in Star Wars" and b) "at least I'm not messed up enough to write a remarkably descriptive song about being raped by half the characters in Star Wars." Also, I cuddled my kittens and thought about how much worse life could be, which included but was not limited to thinking, "Hey, at least it's not 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 6th, or 7th and to a lesser degree 8th grade.
I don't even know what's going on right now.
My excema came back. Skin inflamed and firey red burning my eyelids, my inner elbow, my ears, to a lesser extent my nipples. I was so happy when it left last time. Over a year smoothered in steroids and pumped full of antibiotics and far too many mersa tests was too long. Three specialists in a month, too many.
Itcheness isn't like pain, where your nerves work so that you can only feel pain in one part of your body at a time. Everywhere itches, everywhere burns.
Hey. I'm a freshman in high school, but due to time limitations I'm beginning to look for and at colleges now so that come senior year I know where I want to apply. I live in washington, and I love it here, and I love the UW, but I've lived here all my life and I sort of want to leave the state for college. (Also, break the three-generation both sides of the family tradition of going to UW) I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions.
Currently, I'm planning to look at:
Aside from the whole SPANISH FINAL AHHHness of the day, my day ranks in aspects as perfect.
It's snowing. It never snows before december. But it's beautiful.
Because it's snowing I got an entire hour between my finals.
(side note--As I can't really call my crush simply "my crush" anymore--we're a bit beyond that--I shall now refer to my crush as Wren.)
An entire hour between finals = an entire hour hanging out with all my friends and Wren.
Wren and I stayed close together and hugged/snuggled/held hands/generally were just close.
I was at my schools music performance night last night.
My chamber ensamble class preformed first.
After which I sat next to my crush and met en's mother.
Also, I introduced en (gender neutral pronoun) to my parents.
My dad thinks en is a boy.
I didn't correct him.
My school is nice so we had yesterday (the day before finals started) off to study. I just looked down at my desk, which I put a paper blotter thing on to doodle, and realized that over the course of the day I had written my crush's name ten times. She has an amazing name.
I actually got a lot done, though. Re-wrote an entire essay on Life of Pi, a book that I only liked the first half of, and made sure I knew what to do on my Bio final today, which was remarkably simplistic.
I miss her.