oh how i wish i could know what my meaning is here on this earth. not to sound preacher-ish but i know that there is a reason (don't ask), i just haven't figured out what my purpose is. surely if i am self aware (that i am) i would have figured it out by now, or maybe because i'm "slow" or something. i just would like to know so i don't screw up the opportunity. of course asking wouldn't be wise after all i do suppose that that's why we live life so we can find out what it is that drives us.

i had the most beautiful dream last night, maybe it was a sign. of course i knew what inspired it. staying up late, not engaging in the favorite activity, browsing through online artwork, and exhaustion. i wish i could say what it was but it wouldn't really mean anything to anyone. just like the other dream in summer. it's amazing how the human brain can be so creative.

today i wanted to post a small journal entry on this site but i figured it's too controvercial for this particular time. given recent events in the past few weeks. if anyone would like to read it send me a private message.

i'll just cut to the chase here. so i was getting my schedule changed, no big deal. i go into the classroom to get a signature and suddenly i'm overtaken by this beautiful guy, he says he's my cousin (never seen him before in my life). so i get the slip signed and the guy (who i will call "N") hugged me in an almost more than friendly way (all sorts of thoughts and feelings start to build). i really hoped he was kidding about the cousin thing because i have no recollection of ever seeing "N" at a family reunion or anything.

GOGOL BORDELLO! such an awesome band i'm totally going get the NYGP (New York Gypsy Punks) T-Shirt. i downloaded two of their albums (i'm not saying how. {secret}) Multi Kontra Culti Vs. Irony and Voi-la Intruder. also i'm getting into 80's Rave and 90's Electronic Music. Classical Guitar music has taken a hit these past few weeks, whereas lute music has stayed at the same level of listening. and for some reason i want a huge mural painted in the stairwell (like they had in Russia during the Soviet 80's).

it's like this. i've not been playing much of my folk beats recently and i need to change Heather's (the guitar i use as my icon) strings. she's a twelve string and i only have six strings on her. i might just get a set of twelve strings to see where it goes. :)

i didn't turn in my cap and gown packet. now we have to try the store halfway across the city or turn it in on thursday (of next week). my mom was really disappointed, but how was i supposed to know? people(teachers mostly) gave me different dates for the deadline. so this happened but it's not the end of the world, hopefully.

Come Heavy Sleepe - John Dowland, how can i put it? genius. the beginning is very melodic and weary, which gives the impression of sleep to come. it's as if i'm watching the sun set on a vista in colorado. the weary day i had soon becomes night. like when i was in colorado i saw the sunset on the Rocky Mountains, the very feeling is almost recreated. the ride in the car and the sights are so vivid and fresh in my mind. it's almost as if John Dowland knew what the perfect song was and somehow the song lasted for centuries.

so last night got pretty cold, and this morning was cold. the afternoon warmed up a bit and it's still a bit cool right now. so i figure this is good weather for my classical guitar. i'm going to go play it.

"Is fighting over everything all humans have in common?" - Anonymous, circa 1917

i fear the unknown, probably why i'm afraid of the dark, probably why i'm scared of so many things. i always forget why (usually) i end up forgetting those fears and go on with my life. then i realize that my faith usually puts things in perspective and makes me feel secure and safe. i feel better now that i realize that once more. i wonder when i should start going to church... i just haven't been there in so long.

to make a long story short; i got a lecture from someone who was drunk but gave me some good words through the drunk words, my grandfather is not my grandmother's first husband. um i'm just really tapped out (if that makes sense). i just need some R&R.

"You live a little more everyday, you die a little more everyday." - Anonymous (from: The Book of Anonymous authors, Vol. I)

anyway... i had the chance to engage in a favorite activity, saw three fights at school, played some guitar (like always), and just rotted on the net. around lunch time at school i felt so (randomness ensues now) contented and happy. i was reading a bit of the bible under the big tree and eating a few cherry snacks in the spare time i had after lunch. i just felt so good. i feel good now too. but last night was very odd.

so anyway i've got to do some stuff, get cap and gown, senior ring, sign up for act(s) and sat(s), and apply to some colleges. and only now do i realize how it's so weird that i've never known love. for some reason i see myself in the future doing great... but i've no one to share my life with. i just think i'll meet some guy who only wants my body in some club i hardly ever go to. then ultimatley end up getting, murdered, raped, robbed, beat up, and shit like that. i find so odd that some people can find love, it's so taboo for me.

so anyway i'll just share a bit (about school). so anyway in chemistry our teacher was on the sidelines while another was teaching us. i have a feeling why. when Mr. Chemistry Teacher gets angry, HE GETS ANGRY. and yells at which ever student pushed him past the edge. so my theory is that yesterday the student that was chewed out went to the principal. so a demonstration teacher took place to work out how the class works. and after class as i was walking out the said demo teacher started talking trash to Mr. Chem. and i was like "I'm staying out of this." i didn't even say bye to Mr. Chem.

i saw "The BME Pain Olympics"
the sheer terror i felt was so real. i should've listened to those who told me "Dude! Don't look at that shit!" but i did. (scarred for life) :)