i remembered that a few months ago one of my favorite musicians put up on his journal that there was a room for rent in his place... in Maine. OMG! i would've totally moved there if it weren't for everything of course. but i have more things to do like; growing up some more, college, job based here after college (connections yay! [possibly sarcastic]). but i wish i could've at least met him. he is just my prince charming (if i'm using that correctly). alas i have more endeavors to fulfill, as stated before.

i cry because of this world.
i cry because there is so much hate.
i cry because there is no end to peoples suffering.

lots of people, mainly teachers around my school seem to think i have talent for playing Classical Guitar. although not to say they are wrong or anything, i am just a novice. i only read numeric tablature, i still fail to comprehend notation. i absolutley hate it when anyone my age says i'm good at guitar and that they could never be good at Guitar. if they learned the instrument they could easily outdo me. guitar does not require much talent, it really requires practice, and a will to learn.

i don't exactly remember why i wanted to leave, maybe it was stress, maybe it was wondering i meant anything to anyone else. here's the kicker, sometimes depression isn't a good thing to keep feeding. my self percieved inadequacies, faults, and many other self defeating things might have done it. i want to say i'm sorry but i don't know if my apology will be heard or if any of you will want to hear it. what i'm asking is will all of you who i had the nerve to push away accept me back. will i be ignored? will i be accepted?

bye.

Confitémini Dómino, quóniam bonus: quóniam in sæculum misericórdia ejus.
Glória Patri, et Fílio, et Spirítui Sancto.
Sicut erat in princípio, et nunc, et semper, et in sæcula sæculórum.
Amen.

BENEDICAT vos omnípotens Deus, Pater, † et Fílius, et Spíritus
Sanctus. ①②③
Amen.

just maybe, i'll dream of oscar tonight. i hope that i may dream of him.

i dreamt of Oscar. i had the most passionate and beautiful dream of him. oh now he haunts my dreams with a presence as subtle as a breeze. i don't remember all of the dream but i do remember when we were eye to eye and we embraced and kissed, then we engaged in something i never thought of doing. :) it was absolute ecstasy. i wanted to cry when i awoke for fear of losing the images, for fear the dismay that the day would reap my precious memories. i've only dreamt of my first kiss twice now, this second time around it was Oscar.

Dear Oscar,

performed by: Arto Wikla
this is my most favorite song ever.

value destroyed

i went to this music store with my dad (my ride). it was a considerable step up from the local music shops. pianos on the floor, guitars on the walls, racks of various musical instruments, so many accessories. i was overwhelmed, since alot of things in one place tend to overwhelm my senses. i looked around trying to find what i needed and not buy the items of my day dreams. i saw this rack of capos, oh man just the many brands and the colors. so many string sets all so many.

so i remebered this thing in the morning. there is this "club/organization" that i heard was religion related. i went in the morning (yes, before school started) and stepped in during the middle of the meeting, felt like such a dork, and took a seat. at first i felt so unwanted and unwelcome as if "...I was a stranger in a strange land." (Moses 2:22). but soon after the meeting kept going and i was part of a group prayer (i prayed with them)! it was so nice that in the time i was there i felt accepted for my religion. i felt as if we were all united when we did that group prayer.

there was a near shooting at school today. man, all the interesting stuff happens when i leave the lunch room. guy was not caught to my knowledge. our school is going to hell in a Prada bag and it's full of rejected credit cards. in other news it seems as if my research project is going fine, so instead of working on it tonight i'll do it on the week's end. while we were in (code red) lockdown i wished i had my fantasy love with me holding me, assuring me we would live through the crazed shooter's rampage.

(normally i don't write this way but i will today) god damn it i hate this stupid senior research project. it's total bullshit and isn't teaching me anything, except that life is full of pointless tasks and the ever running clock. my mom is mad at me for bitching about the work i have to do on this piece of shit so called research project. i also have music theory homework which is even more retarded but at least, oh wait no i can't fuck up on that either.