i'm done with this whole intolerant pit.

i think i feel a little lonely tonight. i know there is always the one i can talk to, but i feel like having company in the land of the living. i crave an ear to listen to me. i want someone who will care. i want reassurance, hey i guess i do have some teenage qualities (LOL!). if only there were one mortal who cared for the outcast, one of the delicate flowers in the sea of weeds. alas i've been stepped upon for many a long time, my pedals are fading and withered, the stem which held me high has bent. yet i continue to live, but for how long. how long before i am my own assasin?

i really need to change my Classical Guitar's strings, it's just the three bronze bass strings. i like the dull sound they get when broken in (sounds more like a lute) but they are getting indented fret marks. well maybe tomorrow i'll change them out.

i was using my old Digital Starion computer (runs Windows 95). i still can't figure out what exactly is the problem since it goes dead after as feww minutes of uptime. i get a messeg saying my computer is low on resources, stupid Internet Explorer 4 eats up lots of memory. well at least i still have the Advanced computer (Win. 95 as well).

i saw the snow, it was so beautiful and reminded me of the beauty of this world and the good that is in it. i saw the snow, i stepped in it and heard crunches beneath my shoes. it was the very first time i have ever seen snow, i cried. my mother and i went outside and took many photos, and everyone in the neighborhood was outside marvelling at the white gift. children cautiosly observed the snow and played with it, the adults walked the sidewalks and talked of the good fortune brought by the storm.

IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED! IT SNOWED!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

it took a bat flapping around in my attic to help me see. the reason? well while the bat was flapping around and using it's echolocation i got to thinking (i tend to do that a lot anyway [i also tend to overanalyze a lot]). getting back to the point, i started to rationalize and assure myself that i am an okay person and acceptable enough. i've gotten through the depression episode, so yeah. sorry about the mellodrama. all that aside except for the bat which i will speak of next.

i still feel like i've failed by lamenting over my petty offences. i still feel like i've failed God.

so many say so many nice things to me. and i hate myself because these complements are lies. i've hurt no one, i haven't hurt myself. i guess i'll focus on mentally torturing myself. i feel my whole life is a lie, i want to go to hell. i want to go to a place where i can feel every kind of pain for all of eternity. i don't know what to do with myself. i've probably betrayed God by now. there is no redemption for me, i only deserve pain and anguish so i can pay for being less than what was expected of me.

ok i don't know what the hell i've done. but don't hate yourselves i'm asking you to hate me.

i just don't know. do i undervalue myself? am i really worthy of a complement? sure i try to be nice, i try to be humble. but those who do good are never positivley rewarded, yes? maybe i'm going about it all wrong? there are so many questions.

i've been helpful today, it's odd. usually i'm the one in need of help. religious meeting was held today, even though no one but a few people showed since there was no "advisor there" (lolled at that one). i figured this morning that i should write a sermon or church like piece for preaching, since i could now take advantage of this kind of situation.

my classical guitar turned another year. although how old it really is i don't know. so i will start at one year old. i love it to pieces and it's one of the instruments i'm more skilled in. i think i might be able to attempt sight reading from notation instead of tablature soon. i have learned "Kemp's Jig" and it's becoming more easier to play, given the insane changes in fretting and speed it's played at, although not difficult it's a step up to what i've previously played.

one of my crushes was in the room today, i wanted to talk. he came over to me and asked me a few pety things and left. although i hardly said anything, and gave him no reason to stay. i took a glance at him awhile later, he saw me and i turned away embarrassed. i can't remember if he said he ever had a boyfriend. i know i'm not ready for the responsibilities of love. i don't even know why i have a yearning to be more than a friend with someone. it's times like these when i wish i was asexual.

just doing nothing today. i'm still upset that i can't watch "The Best Fails of 2010" produced by Twisted Nederland. for the last time, HEY THATVIDEOSITE.COM READ THE NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT HOW THE VIDEO STOPS AT 2:35. i don't want to join youtube.com just to watch one video ("best fails") because it's "offensive". when the hell does the "youtube community" get to decide what i watch? if they haven't noticed there is more messed up shit on youtube than people falling off a roof or going down hills in shopping baskets.

lol! just realized i deserve that title, a spontaneous thought of course. i finally crossed into Leviticus, and to be honest i am getting a little tired of reading how tables are set and how offerings should be made, it's not that i'm bashing on it or anything, it's very hard to concentrate with so much redundancy.