I liked him first,
but that doesn't matter.

I still like him,
but that doesn't matter, either.

I pretended to myself that it was okay,
but that doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters and everything feels wrong, as though I've been amputated. Like I still feel that phantom limb but there's a huge void and it eats me whole and I am lonely and alone.

He hurt me,
but that doesn't matter.

I hurt him too,
but that doesn't matter either.

I was just too fucked up and lost and he didn't care anymore.
The word always is just a fucking lie.
But that doesn't matter anymore.

it's britney bitch
i know i screwed up her arm but i was too lazy to fix it
anyways i need to start building a legit portfolio for university arghsssdhfgkjfgak

i had a very enjoyable evening

the guy is in his 40s
he owns a music shop and a very nice place
he plays piano and likes jazz
he taught me how to drink wine
and i'm hoping to get a job offer out of him

he's also a terrible kisser but that can be fixed
it's generally nice, though

professional drinker with a writing problem

i feel so refreshed and perfect omg
i didn't have anything to do tonight so i just like
did a spa thing

and now my skin is so perfect and my legs are soft
and i'm getting a haircut tomorrow so my hair will finally be normal (it has gotten way too thick / long / weird)

i feel like myself again
in a good way

a man invited me to have coffee with him
he looks nice

he's in his forties, i think
and i think we're going on thursday

it's dumb really and i always seem to go towards older guys when i feel a need for gratification

and i like being with people who don't know me at all because
i can be everything or anything
i don't have to represent anything
and i have no expectations.

it's just nice.

i don't want to sleep with him or anything
you either have to be good looking or really intelligent for me to want that from you

and i haven't seen any of those yet so..

because now the only thing that's left is filth,
because now, the present has moved into the past,
because the past is easy,

because heaven leaves a scar, too.

bird have moved on to warmer places for the winter

but i'm still here

if they can move on after summer, so can i

c'est la personne que l'on ne peut jamais se débarrasser, celle qui sait comment briser ton coeur et le remettre ensemble par la suite, celle qui, sans dire, a toujours les bons mots. c'est la personne qui sera toujours une constante dans une vie, qui a pris une partie de toi, à qui tu as donné une partie de toi sans rien avoir attendu quoi que ce soit en retour.

I want to want things again, I want to want beauty, to demand it, to be insolent towards the universe - to be strong. I want to be something I can be proud, something you could, maybe, be proud of.

my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday cos shit just isn't working out

then this morning he's like oh yeah there's a feist concert in december i really want to go

like dude you don't do that
then he's like yeah im coming over in 40 minutes to talk but like...
i don't *want* to talk to him
i don't want to see him

like i'm not down to like break up with you and get back together the next day AGAIN

Il ne reste que moi et mes bêtes noires, à présent. Le mal est fait et non, on n'est plus les mêmes. Personne n'est jamais pareil après, parce que on s'est foutu de l'autre. L'égo, le soi comptait plus que l'autre - le défaut humain à son meilleur. On se dit qu'on voulait simplement éviter la souffrance, mais c'est faux - on n'est plus le même.

Que reste-il, alors? Outre les décombres des dix derniers mois, et mon soi, pas grand chose. Je ne suis plus le même et j'ai besoin du temps, pour moi. Pour laisser tomber ces bêtes noires. Pour me perdre et, enfin, me retrouver.

reading my old journals and wondering

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

i used to care about so much.
now, i don't care for anything at all.

not myself.
not my boyfriend.
not my family.
not money.

just nothing.

but... what happened?
i used to want to be happy and beautiful and now...

i don't know. i just want to be ugly.

someday you will ache like i ache

stay quiet on the set
it's getting hard to focus on faking it

i'm just seeing that really, i'm the one worth leaving.