All I want is to be close to you. To know you, to be your friend, to go for long walks in the cold, holding hands to stay warm. To hold you, or to be held -I'm not sure how these things work, you see. All I've known are insecurities and false hopes.

That feeling is the best.

I've posted many photos to my tumblr today, none of them are recent but please check them out if you feel so obliged.

School is much more draining than I would have thought.

For one, all my classes are back to back. I have a one hour break most mornings between 10 and 11, other than that my schedule is full. I do have thursday off and only one class friday so it compensates.

your skin feels so soft i still shiver in my mind when you were rubbing lightly the back of your hand on my arm or something

that's sweet

i wanted you to know i had noticed

tu veux quoi de moi

i'm scared it's hard to say for sure, i'm scared you change your mind on me again and i'll just get hurt, who says you don't want me that bad (1/2)

(ctnd) i wasn't wanting you enough and wanting others. who says once you'll have me for you i will your get dumped and you will have satisfied your inner self (2/2)

I needed to know, to be free, to feel nothing, and I couldn't.

How naive of me to assume that seeing you would solve every problem, that it would help me sleep at night, that I might be able to get closure. That maybe I would suddenly realize that you meant nothing to me.

My drug-induced state was no help either. Alone on the underground train, shaking, terrified, going to find you. Bad trip. But I needed the confusion, I needed the courage that comes with a brain-dead state. For otherwise, I would have never known.

Le plus que le temps passe, le plus que je réalise que je n'essaie que de te fuir. Mais maintenant, c'est fini. Je vais changer, dans l'espoir qu'un jour, je puisse enfin trouver la personne dont j'ai tant besoin.

While re-reading my old goals, I figured I should set myself some new ones. So here they are all, both long-term and short-term, simple and complex. An attempt to become a better person, in short.

Work much more on my photography.
Well, I'm starting darkroom classes next week, and I also have a photoshoot with a professional, and potential assistant work with him, things I'm looking forward to. Hopefully they will equate to me getting better at what I do.

Just before the summer, I posted a list of goals for these past months... I suppose I figure I should review them. The original journal is here.

Go to the Warped Tour
Didn't end up going, I didn't have the money. I spent the day with the guy who was my boyfriend, then. I sort-of wish I had gone.

Get a tan
I have a bit of a tan, I don't even know why this is on the list of goals I had.

The words are flowing but I don't know what to write. I want to keep their beauty, their purity and their meaning inside of me. Close to my heart.

Every time I write something, it feels so much less powerful than inside my head. Letting them go makes them lose that special magic they once held. The higher part of my mind, or my soul, makes the ideas sound a thousand times more beautiful than they really are. Sometimes I just want to sit and think about things all day, etching my thoughts on the walls of my brain. But the words are too important.

Things I'm currently looking forward to: starting school, which includes darkroom photography courses, having a photoshoot with a professional photographer and maybe having a job as an assistant for said photographer, which equates to a possible reference for new jobs.
From now on I'll only post my own photos in journals, by the way.

I must always know why.

for more of my photography, you could try here. all the photos there have been taken by me, and I also post music (mostly instrumentals from various composers), quotes and original writing.

The day after is always the worst.

so this is me, Oasis.

In some diner in a small town two hours away from this quiet bedroom I'm in now. Two hours away from these posters on my wall. Two hours away from that little case with a leftover pink pill in it, stowed away in another, larger box which is filled with wood chippings, dental floss, teeth-whitening gum (which is probably a scam, anyways), condoms and styrofoam casing for whatever was previously in there. Two hours away from the place where everything changed, from the place I was born, where I tried my best lived and love for the majority of my life.

I know a lot of things.