I'm not sure. i briefly thought about breaking up with my girlfriend today. And by briefly i mean like 2 periods (about two hours or so). but i feel bad. she's head over heels for me. i remember that stage, where you feel puppy love. and it's the greatest thing in the world. you THINK you're in love with that person. but you arent. and that stupid teenage brain (which i still have :D) tries to convince you that you are. you make yourself believe it. but in reality, you're just a child, you dont know any better. you dont even know what love IS. i am very aware of this. very.

White with Red~ Creepypastaindex.com

So I'm 17 now.
Big deal right? yeah.
I just recently started smoking pot again.
It's been too fucking long lol.
Of course Christina isn't too happy about it.
But I'm doing it more for the relaxed, chilled out feeling that I hardly ever feel anymore.
My anxiety has been getting worse (before i started up again).
My mind is hardly ever NOT racing.
And i needed to keep myself sane.
I know it's bad, and very looked down upon.
But i honestly feel normal when I'm high.
Not stoned, but high.
Chill.
Mind not racing.

that i hate my life right now. i do. and im so close to just saying " fuck you " to everything and everyone and just ending it.

hah. i know i wouldnt. i care too much about what my family would think, how they'd feel.

i feel like doing it to see if she really cares. if i really mean anything to her.

but there wouldnt be any point, i wouldnt know after i did it.

i threatened to SH again. i did on like thursday. nothing too major. i did it while emailing her. she made me promise not to do it anymore.

tonight....ive been flirting with christina. i mean, it went pretty far.
god.
i cant say im not enjoying it :)
and she's been flirting back too.
today was pretty awesome :3

So today becky was gonna stay after school to finish up an essay. I told her i'd stay with her. come to find out last minute she's bringing her stupid boyfriend. aka my ex-friend. -_________________________-
so i'm sitting by myself in an area where they couldnt sit next to me. when she saw where i sat she said "You dont want to sit next to me?"

so i was attempting to use this proxy server my friend had recomended to me yesterday, and it totally failed me. like really hard. :(
i just wanted to check my effing email :P lol
im anxious to check it cause i poured my heart out into an email last night around 8 :P
and it was pretty emotional, and mushy. lol.
things arent going so great with becky.
she's going out with this guy now, my former "friend".
and im not mad at her. if im gonna be mad at anyone, its that douche bag i used to call my friend.

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lol, sorry about that.
but anyways back to my original post before i was interupted by my friend XD
i was supposed to hang out with (lets call her K) K today.
we planned this last night, she was supposed to call me before she fell asleep so we could plan some more.
she never called me.
i tried txting her this morning to try and find out if we were still on.

its been awhile since i wrote a real journal.
you know.
one where i vent, or tell you all what i am feeling.
i always feel sad and alone when i dont have someone by my side.
like....i need to be in love.
i need someone by my side
so i feel safe
so i feel loved
so i feel wanted.
i told myself i didnt want love anymore.
not after what happened with Christina.
but i cant help it.
i am the type of person who needs to love someone
i need to love.
i need to be in love.
i need to have someone to be a total sweetheart with.
to care for.
to laugh with
to talk to for hours

just wanted to let you know that you guys are awesome. and if it wouldnt have been for this site i might have never accepted myself for who i am. i might have never vented and kept all my anger and frustration in. which would've led me to ending it all. i love you guys, even the new ones whom i havent gotten a chance to meet yet cause i am not on much anymore. you guys are the shit and i love you very much -w-

thanks oasis.

not yet at least :P
so, i broke up with becky. its a little weird now. i mean, im so used to hugging and kisssing her. its like UGHHHH. lol
im on from the pc in my little sisters class. lmao. mom had a parent conference. and im gonna keep this short :P
ive been talking to christina. and its just.....yeah :P. i do miss her. and it does sting a little when she talks about her gf. but i just sit/lay there and listen. and then i talk about the girl(s) im crushing on. i try my best not to let it bother me.

i might go to LA tomorrow with my mom. and i asked (lets call her A) if she wanted to hang out. :D

its just to get to know her. you know?

but im not entirely sure if im going yet. so yeah. it'd be nice though :3

Now i have a new problem on my hands.
it's called falling for my girlfriend's best friend.
like really?
i mean dude. IM NOT LOOKING FOR LOVE, FEELINGS. PLEASE STOP.
haha. but yeah. at least this girl doesnt live on the otherside of the country. its more like 2 hours away, basically in los angeles. ._.
and ive only known her for 1 night. but i know im going to fall for her. same way i felt with christina when we first started talking. :o
BUT, luckily, these feelings are mutual. this girl feels the same way for me.
we just kinda clicked.

so i got a call this morning from Becky (if you havent figured it out yet, she's my gf). she was pissed off because apparently she accidently left christina a message that was intended for me (it wasnt anything bad, she just wanted to say goodnight.) but realized who she had called like right after she left it and texted her saying she was sorry and she hadnt meant to call her. sounds like no big deal right?

i just realized that i kinda disappeared for awhile. things have just been so crazy and stressful. im not talking to christina anymore. like, its been forever since we last talked. and i still cry at night sometimes. but not as much and not as often. i do miss her. but after the way she acted the last time we talked, maybe us not keeping in touch is for the better. maybe my life is better off if she's not in it....maybe i'll actually get to enjoy my last years in high school now....