My faded, unflattering t-shirt from a concert. Skinny jeans rolled up into capris. A small messenger bag slung over my shoulder. Finished with my torn and tattered knock-off converse shoes. I found myself walking around downtown Austin.

Lately I've been talking walks outside, often at the local cemetery due to the beautiful, recently re-done pond at the entrance. There are always ducks and a few swans-- people in town bring slices of bread to feed them. Many times I also find myself wandering down the various paths that intertwine hundreds, if not thousands of graves. It is an old cemetery, many graves easily being from the late 1880s.

Sometimes I don't see the point in coming out to anyone. I have a boyfriend who I'm completely in love with and everyone knows that and is happy for me. So why even put myself out there and potentially cause problems for myself by telling people "Oh hey, by the way I like girls too and I was born into the wrong body."

A few years back I portrayed myself as a male named Tyler online. Many would see it as lying, but I simply saw it as being who I truly am. I met 4 friends who I actually became very close to: Tab, Bear, Eli, and Tavi.

I fell in love with Elliott. He was this gorgeous person-- the type of person you just can't take your eyes off of. He fell in love with me as Tyler too. We would stay up literally all night talking with one another-- we'd talk about life, love, happiness, and everything else you could imagine.

I am on the verge of having a pity party for myself. I am on the verge of seeing the world through a rather disappointing and depressing light... and I absolutely hate that sort of take on the world-- it drags me down so quickly.

It's been years since I've read The Catcher in the Rye. One of two different parts have remained close to my heart. Today, I'm particularly fond of Holden talking about how, when crossing the street, he felt as though he would go away:

I have a very cut and dry way of thinking. It drives my mom mad.

If someone chooses to do drugs, drink alcohol, and sleep around, then they shouldn't feel hurt when people talk about it. They shouldn't be surprised if they get in trouble for it.

If someone likes to spread rumors about people, then they shouldn't feel depressed when twice as many rumors are spread about them.

If someone chooses not to try their best in school, and they get bad grades and suffer the consequences, they shouldn't pout.

I remember all the days and nights of crying, wishing I could just be in the right body. For a while I was convinced that God was going to listen, and I'd wake up to my intended male body. Well... what can I say, I was willing to believe anything. I would go around the house when home alone, trying on my brothers clothes and hanging out in them because I just couldn't help it. Afterward, I'd find myself in an episode of rage, punching walls and anything around me, crying, begging God to stop the joke. Just praying that I could stop feeling like I'm in the wrong body.

I've always struggled with my self image. Though it was primarily due to my trans identity issues, it entailed a number of things. I've been overweight almost my entire life. I've never known what it was like to be admired for my looks, or what it was like to be at the swimming pool enjoying swimming rather than worrying what I looked like the whole time.

At the lovely age of 17 I decided to do something about it. I purchased a wii fit and, without changing my diet much at all, lost 30 pounds thanks to a daily half hour-hour workout.

Is it sad that I always spell it out in my head like Jim Carey did in Bruce Almighty? Anyway, it is an awesome day-- the sun is shining and it is going to be in the sixties (aka great for us up north). I'm going with my boyfriend out of town to a music store to play on some instruments and buy some new music---yeah!

I love to learn. If I could get paid to be a college student for the rest of my life, I would do it in a heartbeat. There are few better feelings than that of accomplishment and acquiring new information.

Life will be changing drastically for me in a few months. Once July is here, I'll be down in Texas starting a new life. I'm not entirely sure it is the "best" thing for my future, but it is the best thing for me right now.

Have you ever had a situation, prior to coming out, when a person is either bashing homosexuality and you just wanna tell them you are and get really ticked off, or when a person is saying good things/supporting gay rights and you feel like "damnit.... why can't I just bring myself to tell them." If not, then fine! =P But a variation of the latter happened to me the other day. My friend Erin was reading articles on her computer about transguys/girls and kept turning her head toward me looking for feedback:
Erin: Omg this is so sad =( These poor people just want to be themselves.

I was standing in the student lounge talking with two friends, we'll call them Dan and Rachel. I went to high school with Rachel but we never really talked much. She was telling Dan how this random hot chick in a nearby town started talking to her online. I said "Well hey, maybe she is bi or les and wants you." Rachel laughed a bit awkwardly then said "I hope so." Of course, I was then wondering if she was bi--I was quite surprised really. Then she said as if she read my mind "Yeah... I'm bi.

Pain, anxiety, and stress are all extremely unpleasant things to experience. Unfortunately, I experience these emotions on a regular basis. Only a small portion of the cause is related to friends, my relationship, school, and work. I would say 95% of my overall anxiety is caused by my mom, her husband, and his retarded kids . Right now they are over 1000 miles away on a trip... and they still manage to make my life hell. I really want to be strong, but they're really wearing me down.

Woke up to a bright, sunny morning.
Cuddled with my guy.
Had some amazingly delicious breakfast pizza and OJ.
Got the highest score in the class on my test.
Went to dinner with my brothers and bf.
Went for ice cream.
Now I'm watching American Idol with my secret love, Ellen.

Good day... Damn good day.

Today was pretty lame until this evening. I went to school, overate with a vegetarian meal at this mexican restaurant (aka, they decided to see how many different ways they could serve beans)... which was okay cause it was tasty. I almost fell asleep in my afternoon class with a full tummy. Then, I went to the mall, Walmart, and Goodwill searching for a few somewhat specific items of clothing. I also realized that I am not a good second hand store navigator. I have a very pathetic, almost nonexistent, fashion sense. I didn't find a single thing I wanted.