I was standing in the student lounge talking with two friends, we'll call them Dan and Rachel. I went to high school with Rachel but we never really talked much. She was telling Dan how this random hot chick in a nearby town started talking to her online. I said "Well hey, maybe she is bi or les and wants you." Rachel laughed a bit awkwardly then said "I hope so." Of course, I was then wondering if she was bi--I was quite surprised really. Then she said as if she read my mind "Yeah... I'm bi.

Pain, anxiety, and stress are all extremely unpleasant things to experience. Unfortunately, I experience these emotions on a regular basis. Only a small portion of the cause is related to friends, my relationship, school, and work. I would say 95% of my overall anxiety is caused by my mom, her husband, and his retarded kids . Right now they are over 1000 miles away on a trip... and they still manage to make my life hell. I really want to be strong, but they're really wearing me down.

Woke up to a bright, sunny morning.
Cuddled with my guy.
Had some amazingly delicious breakfast pizza and OJ.
Got the highest score in the class on my test.
Went to dinner with my brothers and bf.
Went for ice cream.
Now I'm watching American Idol with my secret love, Ellen.

Good day... Damn good day.

Today was pretty lame until this evening. I went to school, overate with a vegetarian meal at this mexican restaurant (aka, they decided to see how many different ways they could serve beans)... which was okay cause it was tasty. I almost fell asleep in my afternoon class with a full tummy. Then, I went to the mall, Walmart, and Goodwill searching for a few somewhat specific items of clothing. I also realized that I am not a good second hand store navigator. I have a very pathetic, almost nonexistent, fashion sense. I didn't find a single thing I wanted.

I really want to start recording my own music. As soon as the idea planted itself in my mind a few months ago, I decided to learn more about it online. Oh. My. Gosh. There is a lot to take in. "You need this, and that, and that, and this, and the other thing, and don't forget this, oh and that and you should probably get this too." It is all very overwhelming. I really just want to know the absolute necessities for decent sounding recordings in my lovely little bedroom.

It is really difficult to find a site for journaling with the right type of community-- I feel like I don't quite fit in anywhere. The first site I started journaling on is now primarily full of early teen kids who are in one of the most awkward phases of life they will ever encounter. Then, I began journaling on another site but the population has died down and only a few people ever write journals. And, of course, I found another site after that that didn't provide much opportunity for communication and friendships. Finally, I found Oasis.

I fail at life.

It has been snowing for over 24 hours straight here and has yet to stop. They didn't cancel classes today which is annoying. I had to take exams in two of my classes today, and for some odd reason, I wasn't anxious/nervous/stressed at all. I'm pretty sure I did well on them =)

I'm off to work for 9ish hours I believe.
Then I get to go home... to do hours and hours of homeWORK.
Then I get to wake up the next day and work for 7ish hours.
Then I go home, again, and do more homework.

I'm tired of all this work... blah.

I've had a rather hefty load placed on my shoulders for a person still living their teen years. I've encountered situations that most people don't meet until their mid to late adult years. I told someone today of my theory that hopefully I'm getting the bad stuff out of the way early in one long,dreadful streak,and will move on to a rather pleasant streak of happy, great things. She told me that perhaps I'm destined to do great things. I couldn't help but chuckle a bit when she said that... It is a nice thought... I'll give it that.

I've never had much desire to come out as bisexual. I always felt that I'm so happy with my boyfriend that my sexuality wasn't all that important-- I just decide to go with my heart and allow myself to love freely, regardless. My feelings are the same, but for some reason lately, I've really wanted to tell people. I have a few close friends from high school (all girls). We hung out all the time and I have always been a very touchy-feely, dirty minded (jokingly) person. I'd pretend like I was going to kiss them or grab their boobs and stuff like that.

I really wish there was some sort of trans support group in my town or even within reasonable driving distance from me. I could really use some face to face discussion on things that I keep bottled up. I really wish I could meet someone like me in person. This is becoming increasingly frustrating.

Sometimes I wish I partied, drank, and smoked pot-- anything to keep me from being an uptight mess. I've come a long way from my original anal self, but a part of the old me still remains... and I hate it. I am so stressed out right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm hungry, have womanly problems/aches/pains, am tired, and have to be at my living hell for 3 days straight (work). I've missed my boyfriend all day, and instead of pushing my crappy day aside and just loving him, I come home and feel like crying (primarily due to said womanly problems).

I had a fairly decent day today, although it really doesn't take much to impress me these days. Basically, when I'm not working and with my boyfriend, I'm perfectly happy. Today I had 2 classes and my guitar lesson. In Anatomy, we were talking about chemistry and it reminded me how much i LOVE the subject. I'm tempted to take every single Chem class offered at the college now (but probably won't lol). After that, I had guitar which was beyond my expectations. I've always been slightly bothered by a worry that he (my teacher) doesn't like me all that much, but today he proved me wrong.

I just don't understand why so many girls find it perfectly normal to have such extensive conversation in the bathroom. I was doing my business yesterday when 3 girls walked into the bathroom. They were carrying on with their conversation and then they went to their own separate stalls (at least they do that much lol) and I was thinking "Okay, they're done talking." But of course, I was wrong for as they started their business, they were talking as if they were still out in the halls.