Hey...remember me? LOL.
I haven't been on in over a month, and I realized that I don't really feel the need to come here as much as I used to. Everybody here has helped me soo much, and I'm incredibly grateful, but I'm out now and so I don't need this "anonymous" forum as much as I used to.

I told her!! Finally!

Here's the story:
A week ago before K went off to camp I texted her and told her I had something to tell her: "i have what i guess you could call a jacob complex...if you know what i mean. i'll tell you next time we get together." She was confused but didn't press the matter. Last week was soo painfully slow. I'd forget about it for a while then I'd remember, or lamb_da would remind me, and the anticipation was killing me. I was glad I'd kind of dropped a hint though, because I knew it would keep me from chickening out--she was gonna ask me about it.

DISCLAIMER: I'm gonna start by saying that this is gonna be a really long journal. I bet it's gonna take me aages to write but I need to write this down and maybe sort it out a bit. (Edit: Okay, even longer than I thought it would be when I wrote this disclaimer...)

...And now, of course, I don't even know where to start. Hmm...

Wow. It's been over a year since I first joined Oasis. That's hard to believe. I've made so much progress since then. I joined GSA, came out to my parents and friends, and became comfortable with myself. And it's really thanks to you guys. So THANK YOU and HUGS and RAINBOWS to everyone who made me feel welcome and supported and everyone who gave me advice!! I'm so glad I found Oasis. It's helped me be...me. ^^

...I'm gonna stop before I start reminiscing and getting cheesy. XD

I got back today from a visit to Oberlin College (in Ohio, in case you didn't know...about half an hour westish of Cleveland). My cousin is a sophomore there and I went and stayed with her for two nights. Now, the college was totally spectacular on all accounts, but I discovered that *my cousin is bi too*! Let's call her N, for future reference.

Hi peeps! I feel like I've abandoned you. I bet nobody even remembers who I am. I haven't been on in at least a month...

Well, anyways.
Day of Silence today was good.
Except on the bus this a**hole (and I don't curse so you know that he super pissed me off) was making gay jokes using the f** word and I kinda flipped on him and found out his name from someone else on the bus and sent an email to the principal when I got home.

That's all for now.
Just wanted to come back on here again. =)

So, I went to the CO Queer Youth Summit today. I was expecting to post a journal entry here about how amazing it was and how empowered I felt and how much fun I had. All of which are true. But I'm also (as my title kinda says) very confused.

Not sure if I mentioned this on Oasis previously, but K (the girl I have a crush on) drives me to and from school now, because she lives right around the corner from me and she's allowed to drive other people now.

I'm so tired of coming out. I'm out to perhaps a dozen people now, and honestly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the heart-in-throat stress before and during, tired of the feeling of foolishness for worrying when the reaction is "Oh! ...Well that's perfectly okay," or somesuch. I wish that I could just get it over with. I wish I was already out to everyone. I'm ready for everyone to know, I just don't want to go through the hassle of it.

...even though i haven't been writing on here a lot recently. responses, yes, and giving people advice, but i haven't vented much. but a comment i just left on tophat's entry about his bad dream made me realize that maybe i do need to post.

So...don't really know where to start.

K, my crush/bff, was starting to like this guy in her gym class. Then he got her number and they started texting. Then he asked her out. It was a major freak-out for me. I was actually tutoring when she told me, and I had to like tell the girl I tutor I needed to go outside for a sec. That night was the first time I'd cried over K.

I realized something today--something almost funny but mostly just sad. I went through the Photo hallway after choir, because when I come up into the atrium where the gym doors are, I often cross paths with K. [for anyone who doesn't know, she is my BFF and the girl i've loved for nearly 2 years, and as of last week she has a boyfriend. ><] Today was no exception--when I reached the top of the stairs into main hall, she was right there too, about to head down. "Hi!" I said happily, and she responded with an almost surprised smile.

she texted me. there's this guy in her gym class. he got her number from a friend. last night they were texting after she and i stopped. we always text every night. she like falls asleep texting me. but she likes him and she thinks he likes her.

and i was getting so close to telling her. so close. i'd finally gotten up enough courage and confidence to tell her how i feel about her. i thought that maybe she did like me too.

i just cried over her for the first time. before, no matter how bad things were, i couldn't cry. but i did just now. for like 20 minutes.