So, I went to the CO Queer Youth Summit today. I was expecting to post a journal entry here about how amazing it was and how empowered I felt and how much fun I had. All of which are true. But I'm also (as my title kinda says) very confused.

Not sure if I mentioned this on Oasis previously, but K (the girl I have a crush on) drives me to and from school now, because she lives right around the corner from me and she's allowed to drive other people now.

I'm so tired of coming out. I'm out to perhaps a dozen people now, and honestly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the heart-in-throat stress before and during, tired of the feeling of foolishness for worrying when the reaction is "Oh! ...Well that's perfectly okay," or somesuch. I wish that I could just get it over with. I wish I was already out to everyone. I'm ready for everyone to know, I just don't want to go through the hassle of it.

...even though i haven't been writing on here a lot recently. responses, yes, and giving people advice, but i haven't vented much. but a comment i just left on tophat's entry about his bad dream made me realize that maybe i do need to post.

So...don't really know where to start.

K, my crush/bff, was starting to like this guy in her gym class. Then he got her number and they started texting. Then he asked her out. It was a major freak-out for me. I was actually tutoring when she told me, and I had to like tell the girl I tutor I needed to go outside for a sec. That night was the first time I'd cried over K.

I realized something today--something almost funny but mostly just sad. I went through the Photo hallway after choir, because when I come up into the atrium where the gym doors are, I often cross paths with K. [for anyone who doesn't know, she is my BFF and the girl i've loved for nearly 2 years, and as of last week she has a boyfriend. ><] Today was no exception--when I reached the top of the stairs into main hall, she was right there too, about to head down. "Hi!" I said happily, and she responded with an almost surprised smile.

she texted me. there's this guy in her gym class. he got her number from a friend. last night they were texting after she and i stopped. we always text every night. she like falls asleep texting me. but she likes him and she thinks he likes her.

and i was getting so close to telling her. so close. i'd finally gotten up enough courage and confidence to tell her how i feel about her. i thought that maybe she did like me too.

i just cried over her for the first time. before, no matter how bad things were, i couldn't cry. but i did just now. for like 20 minutes.

I shall go in entirely random order because that's about how my brain is working right now.

I'm gonna be Bellatrix Lestrange for Halloween, and I got this awesome corset from Hot Topic for the costume. (For those of you who don't know, I am not the Hot Topic type. The employees gave me weird looks when I walked in--like "Um, I think you're in the wrong place.") And this morning I decided that it was too cute to wait for Halloween so I wore it today. And got a ton of compliments. And K was like "Hey it's really cute!" and like felt the bottom hem of it for no apparent reason. ^^

i just had a maybe-revelation.

so how i said in my previous journal (like half an hour ago) that K was being cryptic about something she wanted to tell me and i felt like maybe it was that she was bi/lez?

now that school's started i don't know how much i'll be on here. especially since i'll be joining the GSA this year. and i haven't been feeling very angsty recently. (that's good right?) but i promise i'll keep y'all updated on anything major, and i'll check in at least once a week. just, i might not answer PMs in the best time.
...i think that's about it.

I didn't do it!! She just got in her car and drove away, and I didn't tell her. We hung out for like four hours, and I didn't tell her. I knew exactly what I was gonna say, and I couldn't do it. What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I really afraid of rejection like that?? I feel like what I'm doing is prolonging our friendship, because I think that telling her is gonna change things permanently, and I feel like it's for the worse. But GODDAMNIT I'm so pissed at myself for not telling her! I need a friend who knows about it who can make me tell her.

I'm in a really crummy mood right now. I have no idea why. I had a good day, I'm not PMSing (cuz I know *someone* was gonna ask)...I dunno.

I just feel really down, and alone, and hopeless-ish. I guess it could be due to the fact that I haven't gotten in a decent texting convo with K in like 2 days, but I hope that's not it, it would be bad if she has that much of an effect on me.

What to say!! Just finished it...wow. I can't believe I never saw this before! I didn't expect to like it so much. Just...wow.

I loved Angel! And Mimi and poor Collins. Especially Angel.

...I'm unusually speechless right now.

I'm back on FB now, if anyone's interested. Here I am, http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=732837877&ref=name#/profile.php?i....

I'm gonna say though that I'm not into spending a ton of time there. It's mostly for convenience's sake.