Imagine, a hall of mirrors, where unbent glass produces twisted reflections of one's self.

Imagine, a freak show, where the two-faced Janus and the stick-thin Tantalus grimace out at you as you stare in awe.

Imagine, a fire-eater, who swallows the gasoline, his last show.

Imagine, a carnival, black as night and dark as hell, the clowns are mad and the ringleader cruel.

Imagine, no escape, no return, no truth, no lies.

Imagine, the caravans, taking in every new member of the Endless Audience along with the circus.

Imagine, a carnival.

Imagine, a man.

Self-loathing and loathing of others go hand in hand. It's not my business announcing this.

The White Whale:

Elusive, Unnatainable, Inescapable

There is no taking it

There is no leaving it

There is always the desire for it

There is always the disgust of it

You cannot see it until it is too late

You cannot feel it until it is too late

The White Whale:

All we want

Al we need

The White Whale:

All we dread

All we fear

The White Whale:

We cannot see it

We cannot feel it

The White Whale:

We can see it

We can feel it

The White Whale:

True Love

I have such wonderful news. It's amazing news, happy news, lovely news. But I can't say it, for the safety of another and myself.

It's too bad, because if it weren't so tabooed you'd probably be happy for me. But I suppose It's for the best- I need to not put my personal life out for inspecton, especially when so much of what I say is so much talk but nothing said. Masks.

But It's alright,, I suppose a sercret is healthy.

If everyone had a pirahna for a pet, would you want one too?

Not really.

These false analogies are strange.

I can't quite hit something lately- somebody loves me. I love them. But I'm still awfully lonely.

Another boy has sex with me. I enjoy it. But I'm still awfully lonely.

What can I do? What do I really want? I need someting, but today I'm coming down from that mania that made me so sure before. Normality isn't fun, especially when I think it's dropping to depression. I hope these meds really do work.

I'm tired, but ca't sleep. Not nice.

The walls are crumbling a bit.

I feel very... liberated today. I was able to walk about in school and act almost as effeminate as I really am without feeling strange. I was able to communicate with people more easily today. I was apparently much more likeable today, according to three of my peers.

Good news is, I'm finally writing again! Yaaaaay! The Boy with the Clockwork Heart is resumed!

This has come about from a few things: My time is freed up lately, one less person to worry about has seriously affcted my schedule for the better. Second, I've had some new inspiration combined with an actual will to live! WOOT!

Oh, and I may be going to Louisiana over the summer! YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

New Orleans, baby.

Bad news.

Everything gets BIG during a manic episode.

I screamed at everyone around two nights ago, I even quoted "My Name Is Ozymandias". I only ever do that when I'm being seriously overdramatic.

So I hurt some people. I said things I regret, and I tried to make amends as best I could.

The worst aspect, however, came last night.

I'm crying myself to sleep tonight.

More tomorrow.

Love you guys. That seems to be my weakness.

Well, Shelby (Dracofangxxx) and I are bf/gf again. Third time, as the titale of the journal would suggest.

I'm actually very happy. ^_^ It's good to love and be loved, even from across the country.

Love ya, Shelby. *hug*

And Pat, yes, this means you don't have to worry about my flirting with men above twenty, for the time being. ;)

Good song. Helpless. It's a Neil Young song, but k.d. lang did a wonderful cover. She has such a beautiful voice.

Anyways, I'm feeling good today, especially since I slept last night. WIN!

Anyways, love you all. See you later.

Well, I threw up again. And at the moment I'm laughing hysterically. I really wish I could sleep.

As for WHY I'm feeling this shitty, read the last post. Seriously.

Seems to be my job.

I take this job though, because I can take the pain it involves. It is so hard sometimes, though, to hurt people you love... Made worse if you live by the policy of "love everyone".

I suppose this time it was my fault. I had to inform a poor boy that his girl was leaving him for another man. I hated it. It was so... awful. I can't bear watching people in so much pain, because I love people. I care about them. And it's just so much pain...

For once, I'm happy again. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be alive. I'm not so happy that I've got a shitload of homework, but I'm still happy.

That's kinda rare.

Well, a quick note on the condition of my life (GASP, something other than vague expressions of sheer anger or sadness? OMG).

I'm almost finished digging a hole in my desk with a tumbtack. Yay!

Just got back from a great swim. Yes, I swim in 49 degree weather, yes, it's cold, yes, I'm insane.

But still it's the best excercise I've gotten in a while, aaaaand there's NOBODY ELSE IN THE POOL! YESSSSS!!!1!!!!one!!!