...to want to slit your wrists in front of your own mother?

I'm tired of being not good enough for her, and the object of her fury. I'm tired of getting yelled at ever fucking day for the dumbest fucking reasons.

She just hates me, I know it.

I really want to blow my brains out in front of her, or slit my wrists and bleed out in front of her, just so she can live with the image for the rest of her life.

and I swear to god it sounded like Captain Planet said 'The power is yours!' when I did.

So, minor[major?] updates.

My cousins have been here for... a month now? God, I dunno. Way long. Which is great, except for the fact that they can't do anything together without fighting.

And my brother... Don't even get me started on my brother. Who knew such a huge amount of evil came in such a tiny fucking package.

Oh, and I hit a hardcore low the other day.

I'm a bit better now, though.

My mom knows, sure. She's fine with it, talks about it every now and then, but doesn't bring it up often. I think she knows I won't grow out of it, and really, I was more distraught about it than she was when she found out, I was only 11 at the time. :/

She doesn't talk about it much, except every now and then, like at the beginning of the year when I began to do my hair more often and wore better clothes and stuff. She was like, 'What's up with you? Is there a boy you like?'

"No."

'Is there a girl?'

MAJORLY amazing. Yestarday, I got to hear my dad's voice for the very first time I'll ever remember. I cried.

We were watching old home videos, and there was a part where I was like, two, and I was playing in the plastic pool, and my dad came out with the camera, and he asked me what I as doing.

"I'm catching fish!"

"Catch a big one for me."

Consisted of waking up at eleven. My sinuses were completely blocked, and swollen and dry. Hurt like hell to breathe.

I took some medicine for it, but all it did was make my nose uber-runny. I don't think I've gone an hour without sneezing all day. :/

And despite this, when my mom and aunt asked if I wanted to go into Austin with them, I got dressed and left.

That I couldn't come with some good news once in a while, because I really can be a fun person, really lively and friendly, really I can.

But I can't, and I've actually gotten used to posting my little updates here. I don't really expect people to read this, but so be it if they do. This is more for me, really.

You see, my friend got some singles of some Ecstacy, which aren't so powerful...

They also aren't expensive. I won't miss the extra high a quad or a triple gives, since I've never had them.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
God I wish. :/

02) What was your dream growing up?
I wanted to be a pirate. Then a ninja. Then a lawyer. Then a Power Ranger. XDDD

03) What talent do you wish you had?
Hmmm.... Drawing? I draw lots, but I htink I PHAIL epicly. :/

04) If I bought you a drink, what would it be?
Orange Soda...

05) Favorite vegetable?
POTATOES!

06) What was the last book you read?
Uhhhhmm.... Part of Cell by Stephen King... Uhhh....

07) What zodiac sign are you?
Eastern: Rooster
Western: Taurus

So, in a few weeks, I'm going to Phoenix. That's one thing I'm looking foreward to. I get to see my best friends, they're like family to me. I was just talking to Aaron, and I almost started crying, I miss the guys so much. I miss them so much it hurts.

I get to see Aaron, and David and Bailey and everyone else. My best of friends, my closest of family. They're getting into trouble without me. :/

I'm not there to keep them out of trouble too serious.

Slit my wrists, pull the trigger, choke me, something please.

I'm so tired. I need to meet the eternal sleep.

So, we know I had that breakdown last night... I slept very well after having a good cry and talk about it.

This morning mom took me into Austing to go shopping since it's my 16th birthday. It would have been fun if mom hadn't been freaking about the time every ten minutes, because she wanted to be home by three, but we had just gotten to the mall, and it was like, 11:45, and she was already trying to rush and hurry me up.

She wanted me to get a new pair of shoes, because the others have a big gaping hole in the sole. :/

Last night I had a ridiculous breakdown over a friend of mine who passed away right before Christmas... Talk about delayed reaction. I guess you would say I was really... numb when I first found out.

Yo see, I was watching this show I really love[Grey's Anatomy], and in that particular episode, this group of kids was hit by a semi on their way to graduation...

And then it hit me:

Josh would have been graduating High School this month.

I went into hysterics, and mom must have thought I went insane at first. I was literally hysterical.

So, I'm finding ways to distract my sad little mind. I've been watching Kingdom Hearts cutscenes on youtube. Boy, does that bring back memories.

Lots of them, actually.

Like the very first time I ever saw Kingdom Hearts. I was in sixth grade, and my best friend Rachel had a friend named Kelly, and we were at her house. All the sudden, Kelly was like, 'Oh, Ash, you've got to see this game, you'll love it!'

So we went upstairs and she started up her playstation and started a new game on KH.

of absolutely every.

I'm tired of dealing with people who don't know what they want.
I'm tired of knowing I want thinks I can never have.
I'm tired of not being good enought of anybody; everybody.
I tired of school
Of home
of the people here
of the people who don't talk to me enough anymore,
because they have a real life with other people.

I hate that they could move along like I was never there, and I'm stuck literally dying inside because I feel like I'm not where I belong, like I don't belong here, or fit in at all.

I hate being so sad all the time.

That's what I am. The little fun morning with my friends got me through the rest of this week, but I could use some anti-depressants right now.

Or some E. I know a guy who deals who can help me get it; cheap, cheap for E at least... Do I dare go there? If I had his number, I'd likely be trying to get some tonight, but since I don't have his number, I'll probably have to wait until Monday, and by then I'll be happy again, or at least not screaming desperate for a pick-me-up.

Well, yesterday, I was down, or at the very least, on my way down. Lucky me, doing my friends' hair actually was a really good pick-me-up. At the very least, for me it is. Long story short, it distracted me more than I hope, I'm actually feeling pretty good today. [=