... Especially when I am expected to mass-produce them for hundreds of small children.

I went to a girl scout thing today, as a volunteer. Remind me never to touch a lanyard again. My fingers are soooo sore...

I painted my fingernails black with pen, and put a henna design-thing on the back of my hand. The effect is... Interesting.
I was bored.

I have to return The Realm of Possibility to the library... It's WAY overdue. I love it too much. I want to buy it, but I haven't found it in any bookstores, and I don't really want to ask my mom to order it online...
Bleck.

Ooh, that rhymes.
It's true, though.
Reasons:
- I set my watch to light up rainbow today
- I think Tara from Buffy has a crush on Willow (I'm so lame, only on season 4)
- Friend told a story with a lesbian couple in it (in previous journal).
- Listened to 'F*** You' by Lily Allen
- C wore rainbow earrings

Hmm... There were other things, but those stuck out to me.
I'm feeling happier. :)

I want to rip something. Maybe paper; I don't care.
I feel so... Frustrated. Maybe a little bit hysterical. I want to claw the keys off the keyboard, make holes in my desk... GAH.
I'm so confused... I don't have a completely justified reason to feel like this.
Today at lunch, my friend was telling us a story she helped to write. It was a little soap opera-like, and had two lesbian characters in it.

... Because I could really use one, right now.
Whenever I think of C, I go all googly-eyed... O_o <-- like that (not really).
What kinda amuses me, though, is my mom talking to me about 'boys'.
... I don't like boys (no offence to the male population here).
I'm not even sure if I used to.
Gah. Too confusing.
I just got back from girl scouts (yes, I'm a girl scout. No, I won't sell you cookies. >:o ), where we made lasagna and pranced around in our fancy cardboard outfits. I made a top hat... It was awesome. ><
So... Yeah.

After the (very... musical) Bat Mitzvah, we had a swim party...
I only knew three people there, and I hate chlorine.
Now my hair's all icky. Bleck.

I reread The Realm of Possibility by David Levithan today...
It's my favorite book right now. Problem is, it's an overdue library book. Great.
I realized, today, how many of my old friends and their new friends are popular-type people. Wow. I'm the GEEK. It was a wee bit awkward, because they were all gossiping, and I was just like, *randomly swims around*.

Gonna go take a shower, now...

It's the weekend! Yay!
I'm going to a Bat Mitzvah tomorrow...
That's going to be interesting.
I've only ever been to a Bar Mitzvah, and that was when I was seven, or something.

Oh! We performed Pirates of Penzance at my school! It was really cool.
I was in the mini-orchestra thingy... That was awesome. I completely messed up on one song, though... Oh well. I don't think anyone noticed...

I feel happy.
Maybe it's because I just ate a large spoonful of chocolate...
Meh.
Or that iced coffee....

Anyways.
I drew a pretty picture of an alien with a sharpie and a silver rubber stamp pad. Now I look like the tin man... Oh well.
I went to this bead expo thing yesterday. It may sound girly, but making earrings is really fun. They're good gifts.

Pandora is awesome. I'm addicted.

In other news...
I absolutely LOVE my viola. It's so old and pretty-sounding... And made in Germany. It's all scratched up, though...
Anyone else play? We're a bit of a minority.

I sit here, coloring.
I feel like a preschooler, working intently at drawing something seemingly meaningless. Yet, everything means something to a preschooler. Anything from a drawing of the sun to the day they graduate from college.

My rainbows mean the world. I follow the pattern, think of the colors, and dream of the future. I write a poem on the back, and tape the ends together.

My paper rainbow bracelet.

It's too late. I should be asleep.
But I need to finish. I can't leave this for tomorrow, it has to be done now. When only my eyes can see it.

I just heard a six-year-old girl say, "that's so gay."
AAH! What is the world regressing to???
On a related note, people have started ripping down the Day of Silence posters. Great.

On the whole, not a very happy journal entry. Oh well.

GAH!
I think I have a crush... On one of my best friends.
But I think she might be closeted or something... It's just the way she looks at me and my friend X. I'll call her C.
Over the weekend, I was thinking about her a lot. And now, today... It's like I've never seen her before. It's kinda eerie.

Anyways. I feel confused, for some reason.
It's the first time I've had a crush on a girl...

But I don't know if I can.
I think about how I could tell someone every day, every minute... But I can't. Half of my mind is yelling to just SAY IT. The other has caught my tongue in it's slimy, neural hold.

I know it has to happen eventually. Eventually. I hate that word, it makes it sound like it WILL happen. What if it doesn't?

I'd better tell you, or you'll never know what I'm talking about...

First off, I live in a very gay-friendly community. It's not hard to be what you are here, I'm sure of that. Sure, you get the occasional homophobe, but they're just the spots of mold on my bathroom wall. You look over them, and you see the shiny, wonderful world of pink porcelain-ness.
With that said... This is my life.

I'm confused. My mind immediately associates my undefined sexuality with the fact that I never know who I am. In a sense, I become those around me. Each year, I change a little bit, starting to act like everyone I was close to. I feel like, if I can figure out what I am, I can figure out who I am (does that make sense?). I never feel like I am me. I feel like I can find myself, but I don't know how... Gah. Confussling.
I hope this isn't an awful first journal entry.
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