I have been having dreams with a recurrent theme. And in these dreams I am usually in a group of people and with one friend. Sometimes the group likes me and other times they don't becuase I did something they see as wrong, even though I had good reason for doing that particular thing.
My greatest passion for the last 7 months has, pretty much, been my job. I care for the elderly. I love talking about work. I love reading about work related topics. I love learning new medical things, new psychology things, new anything that has to do with taking better care of the patients. My job has so far been the most important part of my life since I began it.
So I was writing a very cruel journal entry about my ex, Kara. But I deleted it. She was abusive, and although she'll never realize it, I am trying to forgive her. She hit me, hurt me, and made me the cause of many of her problems (although I wasn't). I still feel guilty, but I realize now that she manipulated me. the main source of my pain comes from the fact that I trusted her.
my lover was beautiful but her personality was equivalent to a flaming bag of dog shit
she was one big fucking joke played on me and I just happened to stomp on it.
I broke up with Kara about 2 weeks ago. My heart is just mutilated. She says that she always cared about me but I think she is a liar. She wouldn't have stood me up if she cared. She claims "she forgot" but I think she is a liar. She always came up with excuses. But if I asked for reasons more than once the story always changed. It would be "I was scared", and then "I didn't want to break your curfew..." but really it's becasue she is a coward. She is not a fighter. She cared at first and I appreciate it so much. But towards the end she made me feel more and more rotten inside.
Ive been trying to write more often but I haven't really felt inclined to write.
So I have this old school crush named Sarah. She was my first love... even though it was never reciprocated. I fell in love with her when I was 9 or so. Anyway, long story short, We are adults now and we hang out sometimes. She is very straight and I'm not into her anymore, but I'll always cherish my adolescent crush on her.
I need to start going to bed at 10pm again because I am starting to get a little anxious again. I really don't want to end up in the hospital again. So today I was super moody. I have the yeast infection from hell and I'm PMSing a little. So I went to a psychiatry appointment today and it was a complete waste of my time.
I'm a little pissed off right now. I've been trying to get a hold of my girlfriend before 9pm because of her "strict" bedtime that her parents made for her but she wasn't fucking home. I am just ranting, assuming I am not jumping to conclusions.
Her Mom and her made a list of changes she needs to make because she is under constant supervision (Doctors orders) and she didn't keep her phone on when we went out all weekend. We are both over 18.
I love my girlfriend a lot. Even when I am really angry at her. I wish I could be like the people from those cute forwards that are absolutely perfect with their love. You know, the "nice guy" forwards and "how a woman should be treated" things. You know, "He loves her with every breath...". That kinda stuff. We have been going through an interesting time. Lots of ups and downs.
I'm just waiting to switch my laundry over before I go to bed. I only have 2 sets of scrubs and I have to clean them all the time. I am doing much better now. I go to bed at a reasonable time and eat food... get outside... I dunno, that stuff I wasn't doing before. Kay is back in town for the summer, then she is going back to school. I love her. I truly love her.
Lady GaGa runs around in her underwear. It is awesome. I wish I could just not wear garments but I'm not rich enough to pay off all the charges and lawsuits :( I'M SO OPPRESSED! No not really.
I got a bus ticket to go visit Kay tomorrow. I'm really excited but I can't penetrate this feeling of lonliness in my heart. It feels as though I have swallowed an ice cube but it will not melt. The sensation is in the upper section of my abdominal cavity. I dislike it. Kay is going to the bar tonight. i get a little panicky when she goes to the bar. My illness makes it worse. We are both "non- drinkers", if you catch my drift. My mom invited me to go to the bar with her but I am too vulnerable to go right now. I have been feeling tempted to drink lately.
I'm out of the hospital now. I find the adjustment hard to cope with. The real world is so overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about the future and what I am going to do with it. Theses thoughts race through my head over and over and over. I can't seem to stop them. They make me panic. They fill me with anxiety. I feel so hopeless. My perception of the world is so irrational. I feel like I will never be a functional member of society.
I was supposed to go home today from the hospital but I really didn't feel comfortable going home. I had a therapy appointment before I was discharged, and I raised my concerns with my therapist but she insisted I go home. She really pushed it and didn't really listen to me.
So I have been in the hospital since monday. My therapist admitted me. It's not so bad actually. The doctor said I could go out on my own yesterday so I have been going out for little walks here and there. Right now I am at the local internet cafe. I have an hour left of my daypass, then I have to check in with the nurses. My armpits were getting raunchily hairy. Luckily I have razor privileges. I'd rather jump off the bridge into the freeway personally... Cutting fucking hurts.