Sometimes I can be a incredibly destructive human in the sense that I damage people psychologically. I do it this way because it leaves a mark for a long time, and when I'm hurt I use my knowledge to hurt people by breaking their hearts as mine has been broken in the past. I have heard that the best warriors attack the heart, and over the years I've earned how to attack peoples hearts.

My girlfriend Kristol went to Ireland a week and a half ago. During my time alone I've had a lot of time to think about myself, my life, our relationship and more.

I felt a lot of insecurity when she left, because I was a bit jealous of her lifestyle compared to mine. She comes from a rich family and gets whatever her heart desires, and I work my ass off for the little things that I treasure. At least that's how I saw it. I felt insecure because I was envious. It wasn't so much that I envied what she had, I envied what I couldn't give her.

So I had a amazing sexual experience last Tuesday. I have been hanging out with a girl named Natsuki. She is a immigrant from the Philippines and she has been in Canada for 8 months now. We met a couple months ago, and we have been talking and hanging out since. It was not until recently that our relationship became more of a sexual one. She had never been with anyone before she met me. She had not even kissed another person before she met me. So naturally the development of our sexual relationship was slow.

I saw my ex, Sarah (now James), today. I forgot how well we talked and got along. I left her a year ago. I was unhappy in our relationship. I left her for a young woman named Kara. It was not wise of me to leave one woman for another because it only caused a lot of pain in the end. And now I realize that I amy of used Kara to some extent...

So I have been working on my HCA course that finishes this February. It is going quite well. I have been dying to move out of my parents place and move back to my old city. I hope to move out in January. We'll see what happens. But I have to go into the city every other weekend so I still have a little fun. I have been meeting new people. I have gone out on a few dates. Nothing very serious. I'm just trying to learn about what I want. I won't do any serious dating until I am settled in my own place and financially stable.

It whispers in my ear
"want me..."
A complete disembodiement of
any human apparation.

It is nothing to do
with the physical world
An' much to do with
my psyche and human nature

So the way I leer upon
your figure has nothing to do
with you. But more to do with my insatiable
hunger for carnal knowledge

So before you fall enchanted
remember, Oh please, remember
After I am done with you
I shall hunger for another.

Memory is a funny thing. I have been growing for 21 years now, and I barely remember my life. I remember important peices. I remember memories here and there, but memory is so complex. It is so abstract! I have lived so long yet I remember very little. I remember a lot according to me, but in the great picture, I remember so little. So when I go to die, will my life remain so small?

Dearest Alyssa,

Do you remember going on adventures with me? Do you remember the city bus, the university, or the little flower shop downtown? Do you remember getting a little flower from the lady at the flower shop? I do. I remember when it broke as you got off the bus, and you screamed my name and cried. I picked you up and carried you all th way home in my arms, holding the broken flower.

Before I put you down for a nap, I put the flower in a little cup and filled it with water to show you that it is still a beautiful flower. You cried yourself to sleep.

So my medical career has officially started this weekend! I have begun studying to be a nurses aide. Talk about starting from the bottom. I bought myself a stethoscope to commemorate the event. I have just learned how to properly use it. I now know how to do a proper Auscilation Sequence (posterior and anterior! Very sexy) and I know what normal lung sounds are. i am very proud of myself.

So, i have made a new friend named sue. I have a sexual relationship with her. But I am not monogamous with her. We are friends with benefits. She is a wonderful person. I find myself developing more feelings for her lately. More than I care to admit. It is to the point where I forgot to call a woman that I'm supposed to go out with because I was busy talking to Sue. Oops. Oh well.

I shall see what happens :P

I met a woman named Sue. I don't know what her problem is but she keeps mentioning our age difference and telling me she doesn't want a relationship. I mean, I get it. i don't want one either. So can we just fuck and be happy?

So, I agreed to be the lab techs friend. Her name is Chels. I told her everything tonight. How I know her aunt, and i grew up with some of her friends. Howe I utilized all of the resources (healthcare team) to ask her out for coffee, and just coffee. How my intentions have always been to just get to know her because she is special, and that I respect that she just wants to be friends. She hugged me when she realized how hard it was for me to ask her out for coffee.

Ala, the bane of the small town lesbian life. The labe techi is jsut not that into me. I went out for coffee with her, and I could have sworn she was into me. She was flirty, she touched her foot with mine, she asked what I thought of her... But she just is not really wanting to go out with me anymore. She is from a very catholic family. I mean, if she is a lesbian she is sure not aware of it.

Oh well. I just needed to pout a little. Can't miss what I never had and tomorrow is a new day :D

So I went to get my blood taken today. I ruffled through my pharmaceutical drawer through the many doctors notes, unfilled perscriptions, info sheets etc. And found my blood test papers, and marched up to the lab in the hospital, and quietly put my paper in the little bin that I was told to. And sat in the waiting room.

So I noticed this week how many beautiful women I have around me at work. Even the nurses and therapists from the hospital side are all beautiful. I love being around women so much. There are a couple that have caught my eye in particular though. One is a physio therapist, and the other works in the lab.