some days, i miss you so badly i can hardly breathe. i see you. in airports. in line at work. in faces of others. and i don't know if i should look away or look again.
"i wish nothing but the best for you, too,
don't forget me, i beg.
i remember you said,
'sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.'"
today i reminisced how i loved you, remembering my urgency in wanting to feel you close, and now we are friends, the memories float through, making us smile and laugh. i don't need to hold you anymore. there once was a time, could have been years or months, that you were all i needed. that you were my anchor, that you kept me sane.
through this i asked of you so much, and so little. i asked for your heart, as i tried to offer mine. the misunderstandings slipped between us, shattering us as it did so. but i never forgot. and there was nothing ever, ever, to forgive.
So i have a family reunion coming up in like exactly a week and two days... and it's my dad's side of the family, who is Mormon and homophobic and etc. i love my family so much still though. so anyway, i told my favorite aunt about me through email last week and i tried to explain everything to her. i told her that the only response i really wanted was to know if she still loves me. and she still hasn't responded. i'm going to see her in like a week and i still don't know what her response is. i love her so much and don't want things to be awkward between us. she's one of my heroes.
we danced the night away like foolish children
you lost your shoes crowd surfing
but you sang and laughed like it was nothing
they'd come back eventually
they always do
the heat choked us until our heads spun
it was sickening and exhilirating
and it made us feel so alive
we stayed close by choice
as often as we were forced
without thinking, i reached for you
you became something to me
through our sarcasm
to the side of our individualistic power
we became friends
the crowd, roaring, screaming
unintentionally made an attempt
to separate us in the chaos
but guess what... i'm not.
i just can't stop thinking. i got to watch Rent today. i made my mom go get it from the video store. i think we have it for like 5 days, then have to take it back. anyway. i pretty much decided i'm in love with Idina Menzel. like ridiculously... she is absolutely GORGEOUS and her voice makes my heart skip i beat. fricking celebrity crushes. but omg she is incredible.
you said over and over
until it became something
i needed from you
your voice, your hands, your texts
i love you, i want you, i need you
what you began to see
was that i loved you more
i held your hand one night
i held your body another
i held you like the lovers
i wished we could be
you sensed that i wanted you
and you, you ran away
i was left alone
i never got over you
jagged edges to this wound
i tried, so fucking hard
but my dreams, traitors
came with blunt force
until every night as i slept
i was with you, and we were one
you said those words to me
So this morning i saw Arc at school.
Me: how the hell do you do that?
Arc: do what?
m: you look amazing. all the time
a: awh, thanks
m: yeah, no prob
*we walk to her locker and stand*
a: i am so cold
m: do you need me to warm you up again?
a: ...yeah i do
m: k, c'm'ere
*i proceed to wrap my arms around her, she leans into me, fitting perfectly, resting her head on my shoulder. we stay like that for a minute*
a: i swear one of these days i'm going to freeze to death
m: no you won't, i'll chase after you and warm you up
a: i know you would
So there's this girl, right? Let's call her... Arc.
Recently, i've noticed that i am starting to REALLY like her.
For example, i went up behind her and kissed the side of her head, and she smiled at me as i tried to walk into the cafeteria but i was so distracted that i tripped over like 4 people.
I was walking down the hall, and she looked in my direction, then looked away, and stood by her locker until i walked by, and gave me a grin that made me go weak at the knees.
Hey. New girl here. I've just recently kind of started coming out. To some friends, a couple siblings, my mom. My dad'd probably shoot me if he knew. I'm a mormon, if that gives you anything. Or me anything. Or whatever. Anyway, so i've got this friend, she's like 38, and she's like a mom to me. I dated her son, and then we both kind of realized that there wasn't anything there. And now i have a massive crush on her daughter. I've liked girls for a long time, i know that. I used to think i liked guys, i'd get that feeling with them and such, but in the past few years... not so much. At all.