I feel like I would be being a bad friend if I let things happen with B. But I also think that I said something to hear that meant something and I've been railing on her about how she treats me. I don't know what happened between the time we talked after school and when I talked to her after therapy, but she ... changed her tone.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink, what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
So I thought that my day couldn't get any worse, well I was wrong. On top of all of that shit that I'm feeling the family shit and whatever it is I had the worst lunch I think ever.
I'm feeling very unbalanced and unbalanced. I'm craving a lot of attention as of late. And it would be fine because I'm getting a lot of attention because suddenly it seems like a whole lot of people have come out of the wood works and either like me or really like giving me attention. I get attention from a lot of guys and sometimes it's nice and sometimes it's just.. makes me feel like I need a shower afterwards. But it's not the attention I need . I know that I'm a teenager and I know that I'm 17, but I want the attention of my parents and my family.
I always feel this guilt when I do wrong by my parents and they haven't done anything wrong as of late, even if they don't knwo about it, and won't find about what I have done. That is beside the point. I don't gab to my mom about the lastest gossip, not unless I'm trying to one-up her as to remind her that I have drama in my life too, I am a teenager. My parents aren't even people I really trust, not with my personal life. But I still feel obligated (as they are good people) to do right by them and not cause tehm to be shamed by the community at large.
There are a lot of May birthdays. My sister's birthday is later in the week and she's having tons of people over and I wish I had known that *this* many people were going to be here.
I talked to B yesterday about hanging out because I really don't want to be here when 25 8th granders invade my house. *eyeroll* I love my sister, but I hate her friends. It's kind of difficult to talk to her about relationship stuff when I hate her bf. That's kind of another issue though.
I still want to date B, but I she wants to take things slow. She kind of already treats me like her gf where she's kind of weird about who I hang out with, but not in a weird jealous way, just in her own kind of way. She says I'm being too uptight, but I'm so worried that somethign is going to happen and we aren't going to be friends (because that is the pattern we go through) that I'm being clingy and I know it.
I don't want to be stuck in this same cycle. I hate being in the revolving door with her (metaphorically) as far as me and B go. It just doesn't work. I mean it is how we are. Freshman year we were totally into one another, we talked all the time. Hung out a few times, and she kissed me. It wasn't my first kiss or her's. But it was still special.
My brain just splattered everywhere. FUCK. That is kind of why I hate and love B all at the same time. She's an evil bitch, but damn she can be really hot sometimes. I think I just like the idea of being dominated.
And fuck this is awkard typing in teh computer lab at my school. Thankfully no one knows who B is. I mean they do, just they don't know her as B. lol
Maux-- I feel kind of bad for leaving you there. T-T That isn't really what a friend should do and I'm sorry that is kind of my shit to deal with and not yours. So I feel like pond scum.
I’ve had my belly button pierced for two years and I finally got a new ring today. And I love it. So I thought I’d mention that.
Also, I helped O with prom today. She went with her new bf and that was interesting. I met him and his parents. They were super nice (but they also didn’t know that I was her ex and that she is bi, not like it really matters). I kind of enjoyed watching her freak out. It is kind of sadistic to admit that now that I think about it, but whatever. I know that she had a really good time and he’s probably too good for her. So I don’t really care.
I keep meaning to write this entry, but I kept getting distracted. So here it is.
I kind of hate myself for tihs because it was totally avoidable. I was talking to my friend at lunch about how I had to eat lunch with B and O, wow, I just realized that I abreiviated them BO. Anyway. I was complaining about that when I turned around and B was standing in line for lunch, and at my school and how loud I was talking I was sure she was in earshot. She was looking right at me. So I excused myself from talking to my friend. Sulked a little and went over to where we eat lunch.
I just want my parents to leave me alone. I had to go to the doctor today because I've been having pain in my chest and it was really bad today. So I got to come home from school, sleep and be checked-up on every twenty minutes. I'm in pain, but I'm not dying.
I should be sleeping. But I can never sleep on Sunday nights.
I baked B cookies. I want to give them to her tomorrow, but I don't know how to do without making a scene with O.
O wanted to talk to me about her new bf. But she didn't ever call me back. She's like my best friend (and an ex) and she wants to brag about how great her new bf is. It is the first person she's dated since we broke up. I still haven't dated anyone. But I think that is okay since it's been a month-ish. Slightly more than a month since we split.
*Sigh* I don't know what I'm doing. I've at least realized that I don't know what I want. And that kind of makes me proud because usually I have a hard time with that. Acknowledging that I don't know what I want and shit like that.