So I was having a pretty shitty night, still sort of am, but I found a glimmer of courage...enough to get the guts to say that I needed help. I texted my therapist and knowing that what was going on was not appropriate to discuss in text, I asked her if she'd be able to talk when I called her.

I waited for a response and then she texted back and told me that she'd call me in a few minutes.

So last night I went to the party with the girl, Kr...a friend? I guess she's a friend.
Anywayyy...
I texted my therapist after my mom was being weird and annoying. I told my therapist that I know I want to go but I don't know how to convince my mom.

Long story short, with the help of some coaching from my therapist, I got through it and talked with my mom and went to the party.

The party was ridiculously enjoyable. It was great great great great. I'm so in love with it.

So Mom did research and turns out that in the past, the group that's organizing tonight's ball has had people arrested and people tasered.

So I dont know if I can go.

My parents aren't really accepting, like, at all. There's so much guilt by me and shame in our family.

Tomorrow night I'm doing something so uncharacteristic of myself. I'm going to a ball (a dance). I'm going to wear black slacks and a button-down shirt. Anywayyyy, I didn't want to go alone cause its in a semi-questionable neighborhood. So I kept texting people to invite them and no one could go (some people didnt even really respond back, making me think my phone wasnt working to receive texts :p ), but then I texted my good friend, who just happens to be a girl.

So she and I are going to this dance together. I don't care if its as friends or not.

So I've been trying so hard to stay happy and cheerful and not let my depression seep through in my journals but I don't want to just put on some fake persona, hide behind a mask, for all of you, so I'll update on what's actually going on at the moment.

So they're still fiddling with my medications...I'm back at the target dose but it isn't helping at all. My urges have gotten so much worse, partly I think because of the meds, and I think my discharge date from my group is coming up and that doesn't help, either.

Nausea has returned
Good=0, Bad=1

New dose of medication
Good=0, Bad=2

Made it through yesterday
Good=1, Bad=2

Will be in therapy in 14.5 hours (nope....I'm not counting down..coughcough)
Good=2, Bad=2

Want to isolate
Good=2, Bad=3

Trying to resist isolation tendencies
Good=3, Bad=3

Today there was something at my school about the importance of speaking up about mental illness, depression and suicide. It came after my worst night in a long while (yesterday night) and so it was so powerful.

And to my new bestest guyfriend....<3s...you know who you are ;)

One...I went to the science center today and they made us put on those colored paper wristbands to show that we paid our admission. Anyway, I keep forgetting what its from and thinking its a hospital band.

Two...I was talking to my mom and trying to say "Lag time" but I was looking online at my chosen name, Eli, and instead blurted out "ELI". OOPS. Big mistake.

So here's a general life update in the life of me, Eli (Jeremy?)...yeah, here goes.

I'm in love with Dan Savage...he's the coolest person EVER. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.

So...as you all know, when identifying as trans* or agendered, I like to be called Eli. For a long time, I had picked out the first-middle name combo of Eli Micah (Micah being my middle name). But I'm not sure it really *fits* me.

So, suggestions would be AWESOME...please leave something!!!
Ideally the middle name would have 7 letters, but it doesnt have to if its a great name cause then the greatness will make up for the letter stuff.

One other idea I had:
Eli Jeremy.

~Eli.

I'll respond to PMs later today, but I just have a question for all of you...

I'm having a rough time. So I texted my therapist earlier but she didnt write back. I feel really shytty so I was thinking of calling but I'm getting all nervous and such.

Tips on how to get over it? Think I should call?

I cant decide at all.

So, because of my high urges, I started doing this thing called The Butterfly Project...it has to do with people who are trying to stay away from cutting. Look online if you don't know what it is.

Anyway, I've been using pens but I wanted to switch over to Sharpie so it shows up better.

Is there truth or is it just legend that you die if you put permanent marker stuff on your skin??

Yours truly, a very inquisitive Eli.

So I don't believe I've touched on this before, but I have a problem with matching my affect to my internal state...in English, this means that whatever I feel inside my head, I have trouble expressing with facial expressions and my behavior.

For example, I always smile, but that's what I do even if depressed. Or angry. Or sad. Its just natural for me.

So I talked to my therapist today at group and told her how I felt that I wanted to stay with her but she says that I can't.

I'm in a pretty bad mood right now to be honest.

Now I have to sit through two and a half hours of class. Can't wait. Sarcasm.

Well, I'll be back online later.
~Eli

I was in contact with Flyby and gaj wanted me to say a special HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, MacAvity. So here, from Flyby is a very very very special Happy Birthday (since gaj cannot Oasisize due to the DSi not functioning...grrrr) to MacAvity. Gaj wants you to know that gaj knew it was your birthday (and remembered).

And oh, happy birthday from me, too.

~Eli
(on behalf of Flyby, too)