Soooooooo this is gunna be one heck of a fun one cuzzzzzzzzzz bebe that eyedea is one helluva good one. and that rainbow over there? yeah, way out there past the poppy field and all the bunches of daizesssss, yeah, that one. that right there is paradise, im tellin ya kid. rainbowz be the bestest cause they shine brighter than any flurosent lite uve eva had. and u know what? those things, they aint stayin out much longer. soon we's gonna be goin back to them old lanternlites. theys be gooooooooooooooooooood cept for the mosquitoz that they atttract to their lean body shape.

I was feeling not good, but almost okay earlier. Silly of me to believe that.

Right now I feel like shit. I'm such a fucking cow.
And the urges are full-blown. Everytime they come up, they are so strong. I dont know that I'll ever build a tolerance for them...each time they come up, I don't know. Its so fucking hard.

And I feel like I dont have anyone.

I cannot stop counting and its driving my nuts and interferring with my writing I have to do for class--I'm writing a speech--and I have to give it tonight.

I wish I could just *stop*...I know that for those of you without OCD and don't know someone suffering from it, you maay say something along the lines of "Eli, just stop counting..." I wish it were that easy. But its really, really not.

So I can't stop counting.

I didn't even swear in this essay.

Your politically correct friend,
Eli.

Today is 11 days clean.

I'm also restarting my break from Facebook for as long as I possibly can hold out. No its not the sole source of my depression, but it definitely does not help to see large groups of friends together laughing and enjoying themselves.

Well, back to my essay. My essay written in response to a controversial essay we read in class.

Anyway, still crappy.

Call me any nickname/name you want.
I hate the idea of the name Eli being tainted by my depression.

Today is the first day for this latest anti-depressant med increase. Dunno how it will go.

Right now I'm in a terrible mood (no, I know it doesn't kick in right away...it takes many many weeks). But the way I feel...I dont even know that I could say it here. Its too heavy a subject.

So how are all of you?

##

Will write more tomorrow

Had a two hour long doctor appointment today. And guess what... It's been two whole weeks and prospective therapist still hasn't called back

Pretty hopeless
Ugh.... Please? Someone talk to me...?

Today is one week. It feels like its been so much longer...so much more drawn out.

Prospective therapist hasn't called back. I called again (and left a message). Its been about 2 weeks now and absolutely nothing from her :( . Losing hope on that front because besides the one I have now is not a healthy option for me. But as of now, she's the only OCD specialist in the area who is available. WHAT THE FUCK? So basically its shitty therapy or no therapy at all....hmm...lose-lose situation.

So I have a bad headache right now, already took pills for it a couple hours ago. Whatever...I guess. It just hurts like hell.

Anyway, I feel like giving up. I really do.
This all takes way too much fucking work.

There are few people that I want to talk to right now because I've given up on so many others. People have stopped talking to me. Period. Its so fucking stupid. And I'm sick and tired of chasing after them like some goshdarn needy little puppy.

Its fucked up. I hate this right now.
I feel like shit. Maybe because I am.

I woke up smiling today.

Saw psychiatrist this morning.
Saw previous therapist.
Didn't go as I had planned.
Left practically in tears.

And now sitting here thinking.

So the call i was talking about in one of my previous journal entries was for a prospective therapist of mine. Mid-May, she told me that I could call her in a month because maybe then she'd have an opening. So I called her last Friday, didn't hear from her. I dont even know if she has a spot for me or not. Still haven't heard from her.

Things with the current therapist are going downhill pretty fast.

This time I made it 13 days.
Now restarting the count. Yes, again.

Well for those of you who were missing my lack of really heavy journals, you're in luck. 'Cause here;s gonna be one crazy heavy journal.

I'm depressed, no new news there. But its gotten a lot worse. So I'm still trying to look into my options. I'm thinking I'll quit therapy, but who knows. Its just not working. And after I had made so much progress, I Feel like I'm back to where I was a while ago.

this does not feel good.

I dont really sleep or eat anymore. I feel like a dead robot.

So my dissociations stopped for a while but they've started up again. Usually they're okay because they'll happen when I'm sitting in my house doing homework or something. Or sometimes I partially zone out when I'm in a conversation or reading, but something scary happened the other day as a result of my dissociation.
It was actually pretty fucking frightening because now that I think about it, I'm pretty damn lucky I got through it.

So, here I am. Its now been 8 days. And today I'm pretty nervous for a multitude of reasons. But since I'm highly superstitious, I'm afraid if I write it, it'll jynx me. So I'll just say I put in a call to someone today and once the person calls back I'll know either GOOD or BAD. Crossing my fingers.
I know she'll call back because the other two or three times I've called her, she's called back if she couldn't pick up the phone at the time of me calling her.

Nothing yet...wish me luck with that call...I'm sitting at the edge of my seat.