I just need to get my mind off of things right now so I'm going to make a post.
I'm starting to lash out with words and I don't know how to explain this without sounding like a total jerk.
But its like my emotions are so extreme right now that my legs feel paralyzed or just sort of abscent. My hands aren't feeling anything really, its just as if its mechanical for me to type away on this computer. I have to go to the bathroom but I can't get up.
Is it okay to make fun of gay people if you're gay? My opinion is no, its not ok.
I also don't think its ok to make jokes.
Though what I find especially frustrating and far from ok is when lgbt people throw out the "f****t" word. Okay, so I understand we're referencing ourselves or whatever, but I don't get how that makes it ok.
Going on tumblr, for example, and people say something and then end the post with "f**" ....I dont get how thats any less hurtful than someone whos not gay saying it.
Anyone agree on this one?
Its really been bothering me.
I'm going to start doing separate journals, some labeled MHU (Mental Health Update) with the number after it and so that way I can do different journals for other things.
I think this will be a good way to avoid all of the crap I get about bringing everyone down.
--My OCD has done another one of its changes...every so often it will change to some different symptoms but its a cycle of which symptoms I get.
--My anxiety has been acting up a lot.
--My mental and emotional problems have given me physical problems to deal with, as well.
I was going to send you a picture with words on it that would say what I wanted to say but I didn't want it to be so impersonal. I know I've said this before and the only reason that I'm knowingly repeating it is because you are important to me and because I truly mean this. I want to be able to talk to you.
Headache pumping and voices getting to me, louder, louder each time. The belly ache stinging, pinching at my insides.
I feel like saying "namaste" might express something that I'm not but I am. Nah, I don't think you get it.
-- (1) My social anxiety has been leading me to staying in the same spot for a while at a time, resisiting going outside.
-- (2) I'm having issues that no one knows about and I can't share them because no one would get it. No one would be able to help.
-- (3) I want it to be January 6 or something right now.
-- (4) My best friend is a guy.
(One quick thing before I get to the good news...please note that I will be writing positive things but I do not appreciate comments such as "Oh, you're getting better" or "you seem calmer" or anything of the sort. Comments such of these, in this nature, trigger me an unbelievable amount. So while I want to share them with you, I don't want people to comment on my getting better. Seriously.)
Good things that have happened....
-Came out to some friends spontaneously, sort of. And they, for the most part, are fine with it. it :).
-Got invited to my really good friend's wedding.
I know I said I wouldn't do this but I really have to right now. Sorry.
I need someone to talk to.
I have so much crap on my mind.
About lots of things.
--Trans*-related medical(ish) stuff
and who knows what else.
AKA....I need to talk :/
Today marks 4 days clean for me. I broke my streak this past Monday.
I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks...first time in 3 months. I'm hoping to be able to communicate everything I need to. I may contact a different one and try and switch.
I'm just writing this journal entry so I can look at it later as a reminder to myself.
I have to take responsibility for my actions and I have to own up to them.
There are setbacks for everyone.
This is ok.
Its been ages since I was on here...what, something like a month and a half? Yeah. I needed to take a break for awhile.
I've been meaning to come back on this site recently, but kept avoiding it because I'm intimidated by all the people who have come since I've left and how everyone has set their place on this site. I was afraid that I'd be criticized for dropping off immediately, told that people worried that I died or something.
Well, no, I didn't die.
So I'll tell you a little about what I have been doing.
Hoping I dont have a concussion. I'm not going to the ER or anything. I'm treating it like a headache. But someone told me it may be worse because of the circumstances.
A part of me wanted to pretend I'm okay and not journal again for a long while. But this stuff shouldn't really be kept a secret I don't think.
I'm pushing away from people a lot again because of what's happening in my life.
I can't really focus on schoolwork because I sit at the computer and I can't get anything done. I just don't feel like it.
So there have been a few homophobic incidents recently where I live and its despicable and disgusting how little is done about it.
I won't use details because I don't want to trigger anyone.
But this really pisses me off and I wanted to say something but I didn't know where I could do so.
A couple weeks ago there was a anti-gay incident and then a couple days later, the cops arrested people that were trying to stick up for the gay people involved.
This next incident hits closer to home.