Icarus is keeping me alive right now.
Thank you, honey.
You're saving my life. I owe you everything.

Last night was crazy to say the least. I dialed "911" on my cell phone and the word "Emergency" popped up on the top of the screen. So I didn't call. I didn't do much of anything. Just went to bed thinking of how I would do it. Today I woke up and...well, don't remember much of the day. Today I kept thinking of what day and whether I should wait until before or after my birthday.

My first journal entry in a while. I'm calming down right now.
I want to apologize for everything I caused this past week. I'm sorry for my scary posts and my threats. I really do apologize and do not in any way mean to scare anyone. I know I should not put my troubles on others and for this I hope to be forgiven.

Softball conditioning today. First in a while. Felt so nice today. Even just running in the rain made things feel better for a while. I felt free.

I'm going to go let myself calm down more before I write another stupid post.

This hurts too much sometimes.

Don't say you cannot help me. I know this is not a therapy site. Just someone stop me. From planning.

still message me. i'm going to bed . i'm not doing it tonight.

I wanted to jump in front of the cars the other day.
I stopped because I didn't think people would come and get me from the street, mainly my teacher, becasue i was on a fielddtrip.
maybe I should start saying goodbyes soon? i dont know how this works....

I may have to go to the ER again tomorrow. I don't know anymore. I started talking to someone today and I came out worse than ever. I do not want to die, but I no longer know. I need some PMs....although, I can't always sign on to here.
Please email me... bikingbook@gmail.com
I need you're help.
I dont want to do anything stupid. So please email fast.

I visited the emergency room today...I had to be taken during school or else they would not have let me back in the building. Sigh. It took 3 and a half hours.
And finally...I'm not going to kill myself.
I feel happy. And complete. And loved.

What are some good reasons to stick around (i dont mean oasis), i mean, in like...life?
sorry to be so depressing, i just need to be convinced to stop thinking of shit....otherwise known as death

I think I was just saved by a questioning boy. Turns out, my younger cousin might be gay. First person to ask me questions is this boy who just apparently told his dad and bro but doesnt know for sure. and he's askin my advice now!

saving me. ....

i've been thinking about committing suicide.

Okay...I'm going to explain what's been happening.
For quick bakround....last year I had lots of issues, I was reported, the long and short of it was that I would sometimes think of suicide.

Anyway, most of these thoughts had left me for a year. last year i thouhgt about getting a therapist but never did.

But they're coming back. Sometimes I think of drinking, smoking, or fucking someone not because I want to or any way feel ready but to drown out these fucking issues.

I feel like a freak.

I'm falling in love. I love her. She's with another girl. Yet , still, I want her to say my name for when she needs protection.

I don't know much else of what to post...Oasis was giving me problems for days, so I couldn't write anything (Could only come on as a guest, even though it said i was logged in ...i kept trying to log in). So now I'm trying to stay on here for as long as I can without shutting the oasis window.

I've had the worst weekend possible. Didn't get to talk to the counsilor yet today. I need to. I'm going insane.

I haven't been feeling. Ever since my teacher had to report me, things have felt different. I don't feel the same.
I've needed to talk to a therapist but am too damn scared to ask my parents for the money.

I need a hug.