So I'm thinking of talking tomorrow in therapy about the constant Sofia/Eli struggle that I go through. First, though, I wanted to get some opinions....

1) How do I know if I'm ready / if it's a good time to talk about it?

I know I'm not me so I dont know why this is going on in my brain. can some chemist please tell me what the hell is wrong with the chemicals inside my body?!

I'm slipping into depression through no fault of my own. With no triggers, how the hell am I expected to stop it?

I hate how mental illness erodes my mind. I feel so ashamed because this ISNT me.

I dont get it.
I just keep telling myself tomorrow is Monday which gives me hope. I love Mondays more than anny other day in the week.
So then, when we're only a handful of hours away from Monday, why do I feel so fucking depressed?

Why is this mkaing me so frustrated?
I can't get two damn rows of knitting done without screwing it up.

So confused and feeling like Eli.

As much as I hate to bore any / all of you with details, I thought I should say about how I'm doing.

So I'm in intensive treatment again for currently the following: major depression, generalized anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder. i have previously been noted for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)-like symptoms, though this has not recently been confirmed. We use a system of therapy called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) which has actually been proved a very effective treatment, primarily for those suffering from BPD (borderline personality disorder)

just wanted to say i am here and everythings fine. but i may not be in much communication for a while tonight. im in the middle of what feels like a panic attack and my hands dont seem to be working the same.

For everyone who knew me from back in 09 when all that stuff was going on with me...
I just wanted everyone's opinion...is it a big thing to mention to those people who are helping me about gender fluidity??

I don't know why
but I cant get one sentence out of my head. about how masculine i feel tonight.
but im not sure i feel it, as much as right now the thought sounds good. to be eli. and he.

is there some psychological meaning behind those posts that will get dozens of comments compared to those that get none , but merely read twice or three times until its no longer one of the top ten recent posts and then never gets noticed again, hiding in its own fate.?

Forgot to say about "M"
we've been best friends for 12+ years. for a short bit we were deciding if we wanted to take the relationship further after she came out to me as lesbian, as well.

anyway...
we didn't talk for about a year as things have been awful for her and her family. really bad turn of events. and it was right after she and i sorta had this one day where we were really considering becoming girlfriends. anyway, taht idea was broken up.
now, she's been in the hospital for a month. who knows, it could be more. and i can occasionally talk online with her, but only very little.

So, this must be what its like to grow up, eh?
I don't know even what to write....strange feeling. But I think I'm learning the ways of the world.

.odd.

?has anyone else had this quick change of mind?

From "heterosexual" you can spell "slut"
From "lesbian" you can spell "aliens"
From "bisexual" you can spell "basil"

I work sometimes to try and define myself, label myself, just to get an idea of who I am, or what I am, or what I believe and stand for.
I wanted to write this post for me and for anyone else who wants to say such things but doesnt know where the best place is to do so.

I am not a girl and I am not a boy. I am both and I am neither.
I don't think of myself as 'lesbian,' but rather 'gay.'
I'm feminine and yet masculine.
I want to be everything and nothing.
I want to have someone to depend on and I want to be independent.
I want to be tough and I want to be sensitive.

I'm trying to figure out how to write a sestina. I cannot seem to find clear directions online. Anyone out there willing to send me a link to a helpful site?

Its been more than a year and a half now since I've been on here. I figure I'd check in and such.

I wanted to let all of you whom I talked to back in spring of 2009 that i am still here. and sorry if I worried you.

I'm back :)

I'm going to go back to the hospital (I hope ) tomorrow. During group therapy they always ask if we can contract for safety. I've always answered "yes" because I've felt safe. I no longer feel this way. I tried again. Yes....SIBs. Shit. Anyways, I'm going to say "no" tomorrow, but I'm nervous as to what will happen. I want to just go back to the hospital. I can't survive without it. I'm sorry for ranting as I know half of you hate me.
-Eli.