I'm panicking again...the feeling of weightlessness and the loss of control of my extremities. I'm having a hard time calming down my hands and I've hid my legs under a blanket so that they don't lose their control as well.
I'm listening to the NOW 30 CD that I got from the library this past weekend. The songs seem to just brush past me and each one feels so much longer but ends faster than normal.

I'm having racing , intrusive thoughts. Maybe this is a panic attack.

i dont know if im having a psychotic episode or ptsd or what. so i could use some advice please.

im reliving it. and all the thoughts about dad are coming back. and i feel the trauma and fear coming on again. im having constant body memories that i dont seem to have the control to stop.

what is this?!?

ever since ive started to requestion my gender once again, thinking of myself less under the traditional female category, well its gotten me thinking about everything just about. and now , well, without TMIing...as i go through my period its really hard for me because i dont believe i really am a girl. this is tough.
anyone else gone through this?

OCD is acting up. basically, without TMI-ing, I can tell my dad was the last to use the bathroom and now i cant really use it because its scaring me. especially right before bed, as it is now.
:x

i cant go in until someone cleans this up.
it makes me sick to my stomach.

goodbye the idea of calm and peaceful sleep.hello OCD

Just tell me Did i fuck up in some major way?
i was talking to someone who was in IOP last year with me (treatment) and he now only goes once a month. and I'm back where I was last year....going three times a week and feeling like shit.

what did i do wrong?
am i like the biggest fuck up this world has ever seen?

had the worst possible nightmare last night and woke up with a headache.
i was getting abused physically,sexually,emotionally and i kept trying to run away but he kept finding me. and i tried to change into guy clothes but then they kept hitting me for doing so. and when i tried to hide on the top of the refrigerator in the unfinished basement he still came after me. and everywhere i went, he kept finding me and giving me worse beatings....more and more hand corrections. kicking me. and my sisters wouldnt stop it, lest they receive their own beatings. and mom got beaten too.

the title are lyrics from a song. anyway, I finally packed my bags for group earlier with my journal entries printed out.
i handed them to my therapist today.

my brain feels cannibalistic.

what i learned of myself in group today: i have "magical thinking" ( an ACTUAL psychiatric term) .

im so scared. i dont like how my head feels. like its eating itself from the outside-in.

A dull buzz in my ear and then nothing.

I am exhausted to the point where sitting up from a lying down position takes an undue amount of effort and strength on my part that I do not feel up to the task not even one small bit. And yet, whiile I move my fingers from letter to letter on the keyboard, with my arms hanging rather limpless at my body's side, tired, I feel nothing. I am to the point of exhaustion where I am no longer exhausted.

And this is how I feel I've been living.

I promised my therapist today that on Thursday I will give her a manila folder or something of the like, of all of my previous Oasis journals. Or at least the last several.

I censor telling her things--about Eli, about my ex-boyfriend, about my ex-girlfriend (though I realize I havent written much about her here), about my Dad, about my past history of suicide notes and the like, about my identity confusion, ...

I tend to not be able to say that , any of it, because theres some sort of mental block in my head thats afraid to let the wall down and let anyone in.

Monday is my favorite day. lemme just put that out there first and foremost.

And now that that's on the table, let me say whats been going on.

Yes , directly put, with explicit meaning and directions I WANT COMMENTS ON MY POST. No, this is not just for me to rant. I actually like reading everyone's feedback on here and I really do take everything under consideration.
Just, without getting comments, it only solidifies the evil inside my head and how nobody wants to be around it.

dreamt about M last night. i wish i could see her, talk to her, anything really. i want to be friends with her thoough i know it will never be the same and i hate that. ive tried to contact her but it seems as though she needs space, i understand that, but i hate the idea that maybe she'll never want to be close again.
i think i remind her of her dead sister.

fuck. i hate this so much.
i never thought that one day could turn around a twelve year friendship. apparently so .

its gotten awful again. and in efforts not to revert back to the Oasis member i was 1.5 years ago....what the hell do i do instead?

So i'm feeling quite...odd because of all the recent med changes I've had to go through.

My doctor had to make a relatively quick decision to take me off one of my medications because I started to have symptoms of what's known as Serotonin Syndrome, which can turn into something very serious if left untreated.
And now, as I descend from this medication that I've been on for at least 1.5 years (18 months) I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

Ohhh...the joys.

X.thisfeelssodisgusting.xX
...headaches, nausea, extreme exhaustion and no energy...(to an extent, "flue-like symptoms")

This is so weird, I feel surreal. Not numbness but almost a shock. Very, very odd.

I guess this is what happens when they mess with my routine.

But I said it. I told them almost everything and I made it through that. How did I do it? I have no idea.

It feels weird now...I feel so independent and at the same time, even more co-dependent than ever before.

Goshdarn. I don't know.

Haven't put this out there, but within the past year I've lost three people very close to me.
<3 SW, MCD, ELB.

I've needed to write it to accept it. Feel free to do the same.