Right now I'm accepting it. Okay, there, I said it. I'm trans. But before I'm trans, I'm a person.
Thinking of making a performance poem because right now I feel okay. Not great, but okay.
Feeling very depressed. Right now I'm having an OOBE (the fastest way for me to say an out-of-body experience). I've been having these often. I've been listening to music for an hour or so and trying to fill out a questionnaire for school. It should be easy because its just stuff like What's your name?, What's your favorite literature? and such, however I'm having some trouble. I've been staring at my computer accomplishing nothing for maybe 45 minutes now. I don't know where time has gone. I've been staring expressionless straight ahead.
This isn't the first time.
So my left shoulder really hurts and I just started binding like 10ish minutes ago, granted, I haven't done it in maybe three days. Right now I'm just layering bras.
Binder should arrive soon, though. Excited :).
I have to admit, I was very tempted to make an email address excitedtobeflat.
(I'm sorry if that title seems oddly distant from the rest of my journal. When I started out this journal entry, what was it, like thirty minutes ago--I went back at the very end of writing this whole post to do the beginning over again---the title somehow was going to relate. But I can't remember how or what it meant.)
So I was going to write out this journal entry, first last night, then earlier today. Both times I had a relatively good idea planned out of what I wanted to say (well, write). But its a rather good thing I didn't write because of what was going on.
As annoyed as I may get with my parents, I can do that because they're MY parents. (Dunno if the emphasis is on my or parents).
When I said "I can't" for hanging out, saying "You always can't. Your parents are jail keepers" is inappropriate and you have crossed the line. Don't you see?
We cannot be friends.
I'm sorry for keeping you hidden. I know I've kept you in the dark about everything that's going on. When you ask, "How are you?" I say "Fine" because maybe that's just the easiest. I know for this you consider me a better conversationalist than maybe I would be if I said more.
I am having urges to confess. I want to just email my Psychology teacher and tell her what's going on. I can picture it in my head, going to her office hours, to tell her. But I can't. I'm controlling the urge.
Sometimes, when things in my life start to progress, I start to wish they wouldn't.
So my ftm, trans friend, well I emailed him all the information about what size, style, color, quantity of the binder. He's buying it tonight. And sending it to his house and i'll pay him back. I'm so excited that I'll finally be able to wear a v-neck shirt. But I must admit, I'm also a little bit nervous.
I won't be able to fall asleep unless I write this, so here goes...
Going back a few months to August 29, 2010. When they checked my sanity levels. I Won't give you all the gross details of what the waiting game was like when I was in the emergency room. Unless you want them, that is.
But for the first time in three different visits to the emergency room over the course of these last two years, this was the first time they checked my sanity. Actually. They asked me if I knew what year it was and if I could tell them who was the president and where I was at the time.
So I just saw a thriller movie that I swear is going to keep me up for hours more. I didn't watch it by choice...it was for school.
Anyway, today is my 2-year coming out anniversary.
WHAT the F(U)CK, MAN. THAT WAS RUDE AND INSENSITIVE AS HELL. HUMAN DECENCY SAYS YOU DON'T DO THAT SORT OF S(H)IT.
That's right. Someone messaged me on Facebook saying "Whats ur condition?"
WHAT THE F. I REPEAT. WHAT THE F.
Today went to college orientation.
I only talked with the dudes there. And when I did, I noticed I've been lowering my voice. And saying less and things that are less associated with girls.
I texted a guy friend of mine "Its cold as balls." (meaning outside). That's the first time I've said that.
Oh and I need to tell you about the rest of today...
so this is going to sound weird, so AWKWARDALERT ahead of time. But today, i really had to go to the bathroom and I ended up not going ...blahblahblah dysphoria.
Outside it is beautiful. The sky is a light blue with light purple stripes. Looks like the trans pride flag. Maybe that's just my weird associations again.
Anyway, I did it....I came out. It was scary.
Oh, and I put "measure myself" as my goal for therapy (didn't explain it was for a binder), especially since today, I haven't been binding too long but already my back aches a lot.
I've been having a lot of body dysphoria lately, mostly concerning my chest and my neck.
As of now, this exact second/moment, my biggest fear is that I'll meet someone and once they hear how much therapy I've been through and still have to go through, they'll leave.
I feel like I live in different worlds with different lives and that they're about to collide.
Tomorrow I go back to therapy...first time in almost 2 weeks. I have to report to them everything about my dad, my mood, my weight, my binding. I am really not looking forward to confessing all of this. I'm excited, though, for tomorrow as well.