Had therapy today which went well although this week I've been thinking myself to the point of a headache ...several times. I got into therapy early, went to the bathroom, then sat in the room and decided to eat and have some water in hopes of making my head feel better.

It felt better for a while.

And then I had to talk privately with the doc and I came out to her and I wasn't planned / didn't realize she'd talk to me today, so I was all super awkward and like *mrah, mrah....do I *HAVE* too?* But I did anyway. And we had this good conversation about it, quick though.

Had therapy today which went well although this week I've been thinking myself to the point of a headache ...several times. I got into therapy early, went to the bathroom, then sat in the room and decided to eat and have some water in hopes of making my head feel better.

It felt better for a while.

And then I had to talk privately with the doc and I came out to her and I wasn't planned / didn't realize she'd talk to me today, so I was all super awkward and like *mrah, mrah....do I *HAVE* too?* But I did anyway. And we had this good conversation about it, quick though.

So I broke my goal of posting every day this weekend, seeing as I didn't post yesterday.

I have quite a bit of reading to do for school as well as quite a bit of OCD homework.

Right now I'm feeling super out of it.

Going to go eat. That should help.

Well, be back to write a real journal later.

Eli.

I apologize for not responding to PMs lately and not writing a journal entry for a while now.

I'm not going to try and make excuses because I can't stand when people make b.s. excuses that you can see right through. So I'm not saying I was busy because I was and I wasn't.

I have started school, as many of you know, and while this takes up a good deal of time, its not all of my time. I recognize that I could have made a journal entry. I'm sorry and I hope you will forgive me.

My friend Parker is an ftm who is pre-op and pre-T at the moment. He would like to change this, however.

He has one binder as of now that isn't in working order (its so old that it would physically damage him to wear it). He's trying to get another one but the one he wants is one of the more expensive ones from Underworks and he doesn't have any means of paying for it.

In hopes of getting a new binder and eventually beginning the transition process, Parker wanted me to ask your help. I offered this to him and I too will donate.

your actions tear and rip my heart to shreds. she's your f'ing CHILD dont you understand what the hell youre doing?

im so glad that im female (hell nah) and that this is happening during THIS time of the month. i've already teared up over it. nothing like this to make a dude uncomfortable.
i know, this isnt about me. so i'll just spit it right out because its not something i should be so goshdarn selfwish with.

that friend i mentioned? yeah. he was kicked out of his house. f'ing family.
F F F F F.
that line , above this one, was my creativity getting around spam filter.

I really want to get a haircut I think. Well, it changes on my day and my mood. At the moment I'm sure I'm male. So I want to get a haircut. Not a buzz cut. But I have thick and curly/wavy dark brown hair.

I'm trying to find a celebrity picture for some sort of hairstyle that I might want. That's step number one.

Step number two? Convince my parents that's the haircut I want.

Trigger alert: transphobia at its worst.

I'm so f'ing pissed right now and I don't just say that without reason. One of my friends, one of my two ftm friends, came back from winter break to a note posted on the door of his dorm room, threatening to hang him. He is pre-op, pre-t, pre-everything. I'm trying to talk him through it and show him there are those who care.
Please help me out.
I have his website if you guys want to leave messages (they can be anonymous) to show that not everyone hates him for what he's doing.

Please. I love him as a friend.

So I just made a big change that who knows who'll notice, but still. So, I can't change my Sex to Male or my name to Eli on facebook because I have relatives and such who'd then see and either know I'm trans and beat me to coming out (as in, they'd tell my parents), or they'd think someone hacked my account.

So, the binder did arrive and I met my friend about half a mile from my house in order to get the binder.

Anyway, its an XS binder and it doesn't bind, well, at all unless I wear two layers on top (or more). So, my next plan is to wash it in the washing machine and then put it in the dryer to shrink it.

As of now, it must be too big. Which is strange, because when I was wearing it, it felt snug, but it was much too easy to put on to be able to bind effectively, I guess. So, hopefully shrinking it will do the trick.

Yesterday at therapy, I was talking to my therapist about how when I look at pictures of my younger self, it makes me sad and really envious of that person. She asked me why. And I said how put together that girl looks and how that was before I started therapy, before I had really started to think for myself, how back then I was just a talking box of my parents as I think many kids are until middle-school-ish age and how I look good in those pictures but now I take a picture of myself and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I feel no connection to the girl that stares back at me.

Last night's glbt party I went to was practically my first party ever (I don't really count birthday parties from when I was 10 nor holidays with family). First college party, as well (though, I guess that's sort of a given due to the fact it was my first one ever).

Anyway, it was a success.

So lately I've noticed that rather than be sexually attracted to a certain sex, since I do not believe I should date anyone until I become more comfortable with myself, I have been attracted to the people I see who seem to be genderfucked.

So I know its been a bit since I last did one of these, so here goes...
and not saying this to single anyone out, but I'm not going to share my mood, I'm just giving a quick update before I fall asleep. So, comments are welcome but you don't have to if you don't want to.

1) Tomorrow, after about 4 months, I will be "graduating" from this current therapy group I'm in.
2) After this one I move onto another one, don't know my exact starting date just yet, but soon.
3) Tomorrow I'm meeting up with the friend of mine who has my binder.

He just texted me and told me the binder came to his house today!

Now just hoping that the weather cooperates so I can meet up with him tomorrow and he can give me the binder and I'll pay him back.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WELCOME TO THE WORLD, ELI.