Just wanted to say for those of you who were wondering, funnyflyby is okay. I did hear from gaj recently (though not via Oasis) and it sounds like gaj wasn't getting internet wherever gaj was.

<3 so glad to hear about the baby rainbowsy <3
~Eli.

I haven't seen gaj online here in so long.

And haven't heard back from her via private message....?

The other night, in my media class we watched a movie that really triggered me. I felt the effects of it later that night as I sent texts to people not sounding like myself.
Which included a text to a close guy friend of mine (who I'm not out as trans to) and asked him what guy name he thought would suit me. He let a lot of time elapse before texting back, "I'm confused. Like a name if you were a guy?" And I texted "yes" going on to explain that I was sorry for my forwardness. Because I hate one-word texts.

Oh my goodness so I have such a good story about a coming out of mine today.

I was at therapy and my therapist wanted to talk to me, which was good, because I had asked her yesterday if we could talk today. So most of the group takes place in this one room and we all stay in there. But then the therapist, we'll call her Funky because she's awesome like that, asked me to follow her to her office. So I walked with Funky to her office, closed the door, and sat down on the other side of her desk. We talked for an hour...forty-five minutes after group had already officially ended.

So I've been having major dysphoria and like hating my body and all that "fun" stuff. What I don't get is that I never thought I really had a chest but now its like, I do. I wear my binder and it doesn't get me flat. Which I know, I shouldn't complain because some people can't even get binders. But what I don't understand is that on YouTube, its like there are guys with bigger chests than mine and somehow the binder binds them super well. But for me, it barely binds, if at all, really. Could I just be too flat to benefit even from an XS?

Yesterday I had a really bad mental/emotional breakdown. But I had the sense to take a step back, notice my triggers, and called my therapist. She helped me problem solve, then gave me her colleague's number (the other group leader, that is), and her own cell number and said that if I need anything and she's not in the office, then I can call her. I thanked her endlessly, saying that I wasn't originally going to call her office but I figured that'd be the best thing for me to do.

What I recently realized is that in a relationship there's no point to pull extra weight because it makes it tiring--just like Newton's third law, everything has its opposite action/reaction (something like that), that's how relationships ought to be.

Not a negative / pessimistic view, but it makes no sense to pull more weight than needed.

You get more accomplished in less time and effort if you put in exactly what you're getting out of the relationship.

Which can also mean the following...

Things are ... interesting.

I came out today to someone at therapy as transgendered. Ack it was so unbelievably scary I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Right now I identify as a transguy. Ask me again in five minutes and you may get a different response. I know who I'm attracted to but I don't feel the labels gay/lesbian/bisexual/straight fit for me, let alone the fact that I'm not nearly at all interested in the sexual aspect of a relationship.

I've been working so hard recently on my OCD exposures...I've already done three different kinds of exposures.

So I think I may be asexual.

As some of you may know more than others, I am actually sadly addicted to my computer.

Its stupid how much I feel I need it.

So I've decided to take a break from Facebook, though not here, for various reasons. It has now been 25 hours clean of Facebook for me. Even when I sit and stare at the ceiling it makes me feel even a small amount better about myself.

It is painful though...restraining.

I was doing a beginning workout that I did daily...consisting of weights and using a rowing machine. But now I've stopped for a whole week...haven't done either weights nor the machine since January 30, 2011. Advice on how to get back on the bandwagon?

I think the reason I've been putting it off, my exercising/lifting, is because I've felt pretty awful about myself lately...the dysphoria has been strong, my depression has been really bad, I've felt little sense of self-worth, and I've had a large amount of self-loathing going on and a lot of denial about my gender (identity).

~Eli.

I had a crazy dream last night, so I figured I'd tell all of you how it went....

I'm so freakin' embarrassed to be writing about this because I'd like to think that I don't think about this. But I need to say it, to get this out.

yesterday, at therapy, we were talking about OCD and apparently there's this really common aspect of OCD that is this fear of being gay...basically the person goes around thinking "what if I'm gay" and fearing this endlessly. I don't think that that's me because I think I know who I'm attracted to.

Dear Professor,

Thank you for showing me those episodes of that TV show...you have now officially triggered me three times without having said one word to me individually.

Thanks for making a good day turn upside down.

Truly,
(NOT) Yours

This Tuesday I have a meeting with a woman at school to make my case of why I should be getting special accommodations due to my disability. So I have that meeting, which should go okay, though I'm sort of nervous because I don't know what to expect.