So I need to vent and I'm back.
For a while, my OasisJournals wouldn't work for me. Then it began working but I forgot to sign in. I'd remember to do so and then sit down to do it and forget. Which brings me to one of the main things I need to vent about.
I am having a ton of trouble with my memory. I'm not sure if its partially a social phobia/anxiety -related issue or what. But I forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. And I've been very forgetful. I feel like I'm making less sense when I talk but I don't know if that's just a misperception I have.
So I'm sorry its been a while, though I haven't forgotten about you, Oasis.
This past week, I started back at Uni. In all 4 classes, I am going as Eli and with male pronouns. I'm so worried people will slip up because, let's face it, I almost never ever ever pass. :(
I'm back and I said I would try to be, which is awesome! :) I hope to keep returning for sure! :D
Anywho, just an update on life.
So what have I been up to?
I'm not sure how many of you here "know" me or how many of you I've actually had contact with. I can sense, however, that many of the regulars that used to be here probably aren't here so much anymore...maybe they grew out of it or some such thing. I dunno.
Trigger Warning: Insomnia, eating disorders, disordered eating, self-image, body image, gender dysphoria, self-harm, depression, mental illness
so things have been weird lately.
and by that i mean bad but i just dont know what adjective really fits anymore to describe what im going through.
im sorry for venting/complaining, whatever it is you think i'm doing, but i really need to and i feel like i dont have any other venue to do it. i do feel bad that i only come back to post such selfish stuff though. sorry.
So I've been gone forever and I'm sorry.
There;s so much to update on, I don't know where to begin.
well, in Uni I'm taking 4 classes this semester (the minimum to still be considered a full-time student) and two of them I absolutely LOVE, one is pretty good, and the other doesn't seem so promising but I'm trying to force myself to open my eyes to the possibility that it can/will/maybe improve.
i feel like such a monster and such a screw-up.
i want to write and i feel jittery but calm but i dont know what to write.
i dont feel like talking about any of the shit going on now. but no, i'm not "ok" or "fine" or whatever other word you think i should use to make others happy.
it doesnt even really matter anyway, now does it?
#bpd taking over like a fucking dictator.
i really just want to go to class and use male pronouns and be eli. i just cant fucking stand being a girl.
i talked to my prof today and was going to ask if she could use male pronouns for me but i didnt sound so sure when i said it so i think it didnt realy get my point across.
and then at one point i asked if hypothetically, if i wanted to and was ready for an informal name and pronoun change for class, if that'd be ok. i think she said yes. at least im pretty sure of that.
So I hope you dont mind me mentioning your name, hell (hellonwheels), but i feel like you can related? or could relate at one point, in one way?
So internalized phobias...homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, whatever...it all sucks.
I remember you were having a hard (to say the least) time with internalized homophobia, hell.
And i feel terrible about this but I need to admit this. I'm really internally transphobic, and tonight was worse than ever. I did some pretty shitty things and I regret it.
Am I the only one out there?
I kknow I always say this after being gone for a lengthy period of time, but I want to say it anyway....I'm sorry.
I want to get back to writing, legit, on here every day if possible. Why's that always fall through the cracks? :(
I hope to get back to writing things not so dismal.
But first, I need to get something off my chest.
WARNING: mental health, depression, bpd, etc....
I'm so depressed. As always, I know.
But I want to just sleep. And I don't feel like eating because I'm not hungry and I have no energy.
So, I know I promised two entries yesterday and only wrote one, which was off the radar in terms of subjects I said I would be focusing on.
So here's a post that I don't know how well it will turn out because I'm still processing the ideas in my own head. But It's actually going to be about trans*genderism in general.
Being trans*gender does NOT mean:
-you need to go to (gender) therapy
-you are sick/ill/have a disease/are possessed
-you need to take hormones
-you need to have surgery
-you need to hate your body
-you need to hate yourself
I will be writing two journal entries today. This is my first and it will not be on the subjects of gender/sexuality as I had been posting. My second post today, however, WILL follow the subjects of gender/sexuality as I have previously mentioned I would do.
TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, Insomnia / Hypersomnia, Eating Disorders, EDNOS (eating disorder not yet specified), Anorexia, Issues of Self-Perception, Gaining/Losing Weight
So it's been more than 12 hours...I'm aware of that.
I would apologize, say I'm sorry, and guilt myself into feeling terribly for my failures. But I am not going to. There's nothing that I should feel sorry for, in relation to journaling/not-journaling on here.
There are two unrelated topics about which I'd like to write. But they don't really fit nicely together, so I'll pick one and then do another one as a separate journal entry.
Sorry for skipping out on you for the past couple/few days. I'll return again soon. (Soon as in 12 hours, not soon as in three weeks from now)