It’s 2009.

This scares me.

This year I turn 17, which is so scary because the fact that I turned 16 4 months ago still hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I suppose that is the big thing. I’m scared. I’m scared because next year I finish school and become an alleged adult and because that’s as far as I can picture in my head and because January 2011 is shrouded in mystery. As if I’m some ship about to be cut loose from its’ mooring. But the sea is too exciting to resist.

Last year went too fast. Too fast like a good ride at a theme park. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so many ways. The feeling of falling asleep in someone’s arms and never wanting to be let go or the feeling when someone you love tells you they didn’t kill themselves because of you. And being drunk out of my mind and feeling infinite. And learning to love myself, but also feeling as betrayed as I’ve ever felt in my life.

And I know some of it sucked. But I suppose it’s called living, for real, in a nice positive life affirming way, even though it’s hard and it’s scary and you fuck up and everyone else does too. But I still have those feelings and those memories and some vague feeling that things are going to be good with me this year, and if they aren’t they will be soon enough.

And last night I had a dream where I gave the guy I've got a crush on at work white roses. =P

YOUR GUY SIDE:
[] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats.
[] Its hilarious when people get hurt
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[] Shopping is torture.
[] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own/had an X-Box or Wii.
[x] Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You own/had a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[x] You used to watch Power Rangers.
[] You watch sports on TV.
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You like going to high school football games.
[] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[] Sports are fun
[} Talk with food in your mouth.
[] Sleep with your socks on at night
TOTAL:10

YOUR GIRL SIDE:
[] You wear lip gloss
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear the color pink
[] Go to your mom for advice.
[] Cheerleading is a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like hanging out at the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[] Used to/are in gymnastics/dance/cheer
[x] It takes you around more than one hour to shower, and get dressed
[] You smile a lot more than you should
[] You have/had more than 30 pairs of shoes
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] Most of the time you wear body spray/perfume/cologne.
[x] You love going to the movies.
[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid. (up until I decapitated barbies)
[x] Liked putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
[] Like being the star of every thing.
TOTAL: 10

Hmmm if that surveys right I am so androgynous...

Basics:
Name:
Oliver

Date of Birth:
September 28, 1992

Birthplace:
Launceston, Tasmania

Current Location:
my room

Eye Color:
a fairly bright blue

Hair Color:
lightish/medium brown

Height:
6'1

Heritage:
Scottish, British, Norweigan

Piercings:
none

Tattoos:
none

Favorite:

Band/Singer:
Queen

Song:
hard to say, i don't really have one

Movie:
The History Boys and Howl's Moving Castle

Disney Movie:
Mulan

TV show:
Family Guy, Boston Legal, Queer as Folk

Color:
blue

Food:
fish

Pizza topping:
don't have one

Ice-Cream Flavor:
Boysenberry

Drink (alcoholic):
Limoncello

Soda:
Sprite Zero

Store:
lots

Clothing Brand:
Politix and Ben Sherman

Shoe Brand:
Onitsuka Tiger

Season:
Autumn

Month:
January

Holiday/Festival:
Christmas

Flower:
white roses

Make-Up Item:
Eyeliner

Board game:
monopoly

This or That

Sunny or rainy:
Sunny

Chocolate or vanilla:
vanilla

Fruit or veggie:
Fruit.

Night or day:
Night.

Sour or sweet:
Sweet.

Love or money:
Love

Phone or in person:
In person

Looks or personality:
Personality

Coffee or tea:
Coffee

Hot or cold:
Hot
Your:

Goal for this year:
Find love

Most missed memory:
That feeling of being so impossibly close to someone you love

Best physical feature:
eyes and chest

First thought waking up:
Holy shit its christmas! (today only)

Hypothetical personality disorder:
Bipolar

Preferred type of plastic surgery:
not really interested

Sesame street alter ego:
Grouch

Fairytale alter ego:
Cinderella, still waiting for my prince to come (god that is so corny isn't it)

Most stupid remark:
I once asked a one armed woman if she needed a hand lol

Worst crime:
depends what you believe is a crime, does sex in a public toilet count?

Greatest ambition:
Find love, real love

Greatest fear:
Being alone

Darkest secret:
No really horrible ones at the moment fortunately

Favorite subject:
History

Strangest received gift:
Can't think of anything really strange right now sorry

Worst habit:
I don't know, you'd have to ask someone who knows me

Do You:
Smoke:
no never

Drink:
often

Curse:
yeah

Shower daily:
almost always

Like thunderstorms:
uh huh

Dance in the rain:
yeah

Sing:
sometimes

Play an instrument:
Trombone

Get along with your parents:
usually

Wish on stars:
No

Believe in fate:
In a way

Believe in love at first sight:
Yes

Can You:
Drive:
No

Sew:
not well, but i can

Cook:
Yes

Speak another language:
French, a bit of Japanese and odd words and phrases in a few others

Dance:
A bit

Sing:
Not well, but I can

Touch your nose with your tongue:
No

Whistle:
Yeah
Curl your tongue:
No

Have You Ever:

Been Drunk:
More times than I'd care to admit

Been Stoned/High:
No not really

Eaten Sushi:
Yes

Been in Love:
Yes

Skipped school:
Yes

Made prank calls:
No

Sent someone a love letter:
Yes

Stolen something:
Yes

Cried yourself to sleep:
Many times

Other Questions:

What annoys you most in a person?
lots of things

Are you right or left handed?
right

What is your bedtime?
late

Name three things you can't live without:
Hugs, Music, Hope

What is the color of your room?
kind a browny/creamy colour

Do you have any siblings?
One brother

Do you have any pets?
One cat

Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?
What the hell kind of question is that?

What is you middle name?
Douglas

What are you nicknames?
Oli

Are you for or against gay marriage?
obviously

What are your thoughts on abortion?
Pro choice

Do you have a crush on anyone?
Yes

Are you afraid of the dark?
A little...

How do you want to die?
Peacefully would be nice, but be still conscious, not like a coma or anything

What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?
Like 5 maybe

Would you take a bullet for the one you love?
I don't think that's a question you can know the answer to until you've been put into that situation, but I'd like to think I would

What is the last law you’ve broken?
drinking

In a Male/Female:

Hair color:
Doesn't matter as long as not red

Eye color:
I don't mind but i have to be able to lose myself in them

Height:
About the same as me

Weight:
not too fat

Most important physical feature:
pretty face

Biggest turn-off:
emotionally distant, can't hold a deep conversation

Would you believe that my life, at present, is for the most part good? No dramas, no problems, not much of anything bad at all (it is the holidays after all). Today for instance I proudly admit that i sat around for literally the entire day in my pajamas reading Les Miserables, watching appalling daytime TV and compulsively listening to the most divine piece of chamber music that i have ever heard, which i just recently discovered.

I know I'm loving it at the moment, but its sad to say that in a month or two I'll be bored to tears at begging for school to come back. Oh the terrible irony.

There is pretty much no one that I'm interested in at the moment. Which sucks. You see I'm one of those people who desperately craves relationships. Even if i had some straight guy to pine after a bit in my spare time, at least that would be better than what I've got now...absolutely nothing. No crushes, no flirting, no prospects at the moment. The whole situation leaves me feeling rather deflated...but for now i suppose all there is to do is sit back and enjoy the beautiful purgatory of summer

wow i really hope i don't delete this is one like i deleted the one i was writing last night. It was real shame because i managed to get so some stuff out that I've been trying to figure out for a long time.

But just to sum up quickly so its off my chest (even if not put quite so eloquently as it was last night), i have this ex bf called David who i really loved but dumped due to my own ridiculous adequacies. And i know i hurt him. A lot. And i feel terrible and guilty all the time but especially when I'm around him. And i still love him, but not like i did before, because i guess my subconscious figured theres only so much you can hurt someone and still say you love them like i did. Wow long sum up. So that's what it's taken me a whole year to figure out.

I still feel pretty crap about the whole thing, but its good to have finally figured it out...i think. I guess one good thing is that he seems to forgive me (even though I've never really explained things properly) so at least were still friends and real friends, not just bullshit.

In other news i got my exam results back on Monday. Did about as well as I'd expected; mostly A's for History, English and Natural Sciences; B's in Physical Sciences and mainly C's but a few B's in Maths. Because of the science part i decided to swap from physical sciences to biology. I must admit i did baulk a bit when i got my book list for next year =/.

Christmas is too close i have decided, in my infinite wisdom. Three weeks today. Christmas is the time of year that I most long for a relationship. But no, unless a new contender for Mr Perfect turns up in the next the weeks, I'm out of luck, I'm out of love.

As always.

you have no idea how pissed of i am, i was just writing on here and i was at about the 2/3 page mark and somehow i got distracted or something and accidentally deleted the whole, ARRRRRGGGHHH #$@$%% $^$ %^&&&^ FFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow it really doesn't take much time for things to change. Just about 2 minutes after finishing my first post one, where i kind of wallowed in my little pit of single celibacy, of my best friends J text me and asked if he could stay over Saturday (aka last) night, I said yes.

Now i could go into a detailed description of the entire night, but i won't. Pretty much we sat around and watched a couple of movies with rum. One thing led to another and after a couple hours of making out/groping etc culminated in J giving me by far the best blow job iv ever had. I think we both got to sleep around 430.

The catch was that J had to work at 10 and me at 12 so we both kind of woke up at about 8, giving us both maybe 3 hours sleep and a hangover for work. I wouldn't recommend it. And did i mention i worked 7 hours on Saturday afternoon, so yeah I'm really tired now =D.

That all sounds really bad doesn't it, especially when i describe it with phrases like 'making out/groping'. Especially when i say this has happened before (except lthere was there was no blow job in February), and I really don't think it meant anything to either of us. Yes its true, I have a 'friend with benefits'.

A year or so ago i probably would've felt terrible about this, slutty in fact. I didn't even think this was possible; despite the fact that last night was really amazing, there is absolutely nothing between me and J and never has been, were just really good friends. That is all. I do not feel terrible about this.

Many people reading this are probably finding this whole situation strange....

So i guess i did get part of what i said i wanted in my last journal (obviously no emotional bond or anything), so not really exactly what I had in mind (normally I'm one of those hopeless romantics, and still am), but it was amazing.

Something inside me refuses to apologize for being 16 and horny.

Well i guess this is kind of the awkward "um...hi" moment so um...hi i guess. So I'm oliver. I'm 16. And I'm gay. And I'm out to just about EVERYONE, as of about 18 months ago (fun times). And i live in Launceston, Tasmania which (for those who don't know) is quite literally at the very bottom of the world. And i know it's bad to start sentences with and so I'll stop that now.

I'm on holidays at the moment, for like the next 10 weeks, which is awesome. I'm one of those people who really loves 'me time' so its nice to finally have time to sit in a hot bath for 3 hours reading a book and listening to music. In case you've never tried it I'd recommend it. Conveniently at the moment I'm reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac which I can also safely recommend to anyone with a genuine interest in life in general. And i love the new Killers album, so next time I have a bath i suppose I'll be enjoying the above

I've been both woefully and wonderfully single since September after spending almost the entire year before that in a mixed bag of relationships. The wonderful part is very small by the way. That's all I'll say on that front for now, not really in the mood.

On the whole though, once the slight sadly single part is subtracted, surprisingly, it's strange to say that on the whole things are going well. And all i can hope for now is that it continues, oh and maybe a cute guy comes along =P

Oh god...i have to work tomorrow (checkouts suck, especially around Christmas)

Finis