why yes, I did get a one rating on both my solo and clarinet trio.

:D!!!!!!!

great day.

that I caught fire

..
hey it's been a while :/

good news..I graduate in 2 months :D

I've been so busy practicing my clarinet. The solo and ensemble competition is satuurrddaayyyy I'mmm sosooo nneerrvvoouussss.
but I've been working my butt off so I'm definitely going to state.

Anyway,
more good news. I made a youtube account to start recording some of my poetry. Eh, idk if it's any good..at all. but it really makes me feel like me so I want to get it out there. This is my first video if you wanna check it outtt?

I love The Glass Menagerie :)
Even though it's such a hopeless and gloomy feeling of a story, it just brightens my day every time I read it. I'm going to try to find some more Tennessee Williams to read! I like his style.
I also love Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg...
What an eye opener!!!
Everyone should read it.

Right now, I'm putting off doing math homework.

The one on my shoulder..
I've had this window open for an hour or so I guess just waiting to strike any keys on my board before I open my big mouth or whatever in this situation and rant..probably not endlessly but it'll sure feel like it.

I know the rhinovirus is part of it, probably a key role at that.
but I just feel so gosh dang not here.
Like I've used everyone dry until it caused a reverse reaction of artificial moisture that they soaked me with.
like i'm buried under all of this. all of their smiles and happiness
that I think is great
it's what I stand for

that historical research paper one..

went from being awesome in my mind about forbidden lesbian love in the 1600's

to...a slave giving birth.. on paper.
everyone's impressed how I took up 4 pages about just her giving birth.
ahahaha.
it's not my best work, but I guess I like it.
even though it's not what I had wanted it to be,

at least it's written.
>.<

one day, though, I promise I shall stick to my initial plan and actually write a story that I want to!

It's obvious I'm getting ready to enter another stage of my life soon with graduating and going to college this year.. iknowiknowiknow

but I'm prerttyy sure there's something else going on too.
I can't quite put my finger on it yet.

I'm curious to see what I'm slowly becoming, not exactly scared,
actually somewhat pleased.
To be honest, my passions in life are noble and appropriate, sure, but lately, they haven't been striking the same chord of hope I have for my future. or had for my future. I dont even know anymore.

I take on the persona of an African American slave in North America, and I write a story about it. That's my paper.

So what I had in mind..:

I'm born into slavery and raised on a rice plantation in south carolina, (very little with the background description because it's only a four page short story.) I've developed intense lust for the master's offspring (really daughter, but in my story I'm making this character's gender unknown the best I can, with only revealing subtle hints in her description). We make eye contact and visit a lot whenever no one's watching, etc.

for four months until these high school days are over for good.

I'm breaking some ties, but I feel like this is what's supposed to happen.
I'm not sad, and I don't have regrets.
That's all I asked for out of this, and it's what I'm getting.
"This" as in my mini-life.

I only have to ride out the waves until May, then I'll be on the beach of opportunities..Lord knows how many I've missed due to this or that.
Anyway, I let myself have a taste of looking back about once a day.
I can't give myself the whole treat, of course, because the world hasn't given it to me yet- fully anyway.

and it's going to seem a lot like this first entry of 2010 . . .

but better

this year was kinda ...blurry. The only thing I remember vividly is this last second, and maybe it's cuz I'm not thinking straight. I'm not drunk or anything, just sleepy.

My new year's resolution is to make this year more memorable.
Of course graduating high school and starting college are two memorable events this year will hold in themselves, I'm still looking for something more!

I'll try my best at least.
Since I have no narcotics to keep me mellow tomorrow, I figure the closest thing to it is getting no sleep..
so therefore, I'm not going to fall asleep.
I'll do whatever I have to.

^I'm such a baby >.<

alright, today was a dud..huge one. Everyone had this week off, and I was supposed to hang out with some friends who were visiting from college. well well wellll..one of them, my favorite, used to be really good best friends, called my mom and invited me to see a movie with all of them. my mom told me..eh idk about an hour after she called

my craziness when I gave T that poem...probably because I already decided I'm not calling her. So I have to wait until Saturday to speak with her in person. If we ever get a chance..it's going to be so busy, but marching our show in the Rams stadium is pretty awesome :)

Yesterday I saw the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen in my life!
..hopefully I'll see better ones, depends on the company really.

hmm for some reason my lips are reallyreally softer than usual today - just an observation.

to read this and tell me what to do.
School's out until Monday, and I might lose my mind to suspense.

Friday she told me she wrote me a poem last year after we broke up, but she never gave it to me. I asked to read it, she wrote me a copy of it, and gave it to me today. I couldn't help but cry a little..

"Can't Decide"

"I love you, I love you not
your hand in mind shoots red hot sparks
up and down my body
. . . and I like it.

If only feelings could stay the same
and not change
like they did for you
I miss you.

Why won't you stay mine?
Am I honestly that bad?

..hasn't made much progress, but we do have a little over 50 signatures!! I'm pretty sure we won't be able to find an availabe teacher to sponser it or whatever though. On the bright side, J talked to the principle, and we're having an assembly on discrimination. That's basically why I wanted a GSA in the first place- to support people being discriminated based on their sexual orientation. so hopefully this assembly goes as planned, and isn't just a joking matter to the students. I do feel strongly about getting some sort of GSA at the high school before I graduate in May.

..we're going to the DOME!!!!!

I'm pretty passive about most high school activities, but for some reason high school football gets me so crazy excited. STATE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW...this saturday. bands marching on the field again. so anxious :D
/end spasticness

I'm just pretty bored..
O.o

and bisexual women, of course ;)

I go to an average small town high school..in my high school all of the girls who like girls.. date each other, and it seems like one big "triangular" circle. I guess it's the same for hetersexual people, but with the gay population at my school, this circle that I'm talking about is a lot smaller and personal. It drives me insane, and I can't wait until I get out..explore new women..I mean ..things? life..haha :)