My dream iiiiissss.......
Damn it, this is too hard.
Well it doesn't involve killing people. (So you can relax, jeff-cake)
It does however, involve being an author.
Which isn't a real job.
But I wanna write, I want people to see the scenes in my head, make them feel the way I feel.
In short, I'm desperate to communicate my imaginiation to others, and the only way I've ever succeeded in the doing this has been writing.
There I said it. HAPPY NOW?!
Should I do it or not?
I finished my final and the year is over, gap year to come!!!!
It's also kinda sad, I'll miss the lifeway guys, especially the one I might have the tiniest crush on, especially when he was being all unknowingly adorable today. (And other times when he was cute, and that long conversation we had about the sexual exploitation of elves.)
e.g Me: "You're gonna miss my purple pants when I'm gone."
Him:"I already missed them while you were working at home."
Another intermittent lazy update on my lifes.
My final project is THIIIIIIS close to finished!!!!! Yay.
I just got over a huge HUGE HUUUUUGE depression attack.
I've worked for an inordinately large amount of time in the last two days.
And I might go for a freelance writing job with Suite101. (Writing articles about w/e the hell I want, so probably gay stuff.)
I think that would be cool because I could earn some cash next year, but from wherever I am. And I might get into journalism that way.
Who thinks I should become a freelance writer?
I has windows 7. And a sad.
I feel really bad about breaking up with T, even though I'm still absolutely sure it was the right thing to do.
And of course my parents have to fight lots as soon as they get home and then start taking whatever it was out on me.
I'm reading "I Can't Even Breathe Without You".
It is adorable.
Windows 7 is good.
Even though apparently it means I shouldn't be on this site, Ive decided to officially identify as genderqueer.
(Sorry ElvenKnight if I offend, but you're too tempting a target)
I broke up with T, the distance and a whole host of other things made me realise it wasn't going to work out.
The final project has pretty much ground to a halt because of my various issues, including recent attacks of depressionness and anxiety.
But I can work at home from now on and thats good.
Yeah that's pretty much it.
Kitty loves you all!!! :3
Words are hard too.
I don't know what to do about T. (I hope he doesn't read this.)
Or anything really. -.-
We're supposed to have a proper in depth-discussion about stuff over the phone.
I just don't know what to say.
Do I break up with him now? He says he doesn't want to lose me.
But he wouldn't want me if I were a girl.
Do I leave him, do I stay with him, do I put us on hiatus?
I just don't know.
If I put us on hiatus or break up with him, what if I figure out that I'm Juffered (my new term for GQ) or a man and want him back?
I feel, wrong, today.
Like, uncomfortable in my own skin because it's not mine, wrong.
Like I'm a girl inside wrong.
And I currently hate my penis, and waking up and thinking, "where are mein boobies!?"
And I don't know why I feel this way, and I've felt this way before, although it passed in a couple weeks, but I can't figure out whether I repressed it or it actually was a temporary state.
But it's much stronger this time around, I don't even get turned on by man-sex anymore, I have to imagine I'm female or I just don't get horny at all.
I has gender issues.
Thats it realleh.
I feel good today, I'm happy and I don't feel sick, AND I have maize bread, no more wheat for kitty!
Falafel burger with maize bread!!! FUCK YES!!!!!!
Hey Oasis, just so you know I'm alive an all that.
1: I have a facebook now, even if facebook is being bitchy. Adam, in reply to the PM you sent me on facebook, I'm the one who added you. It just wouldn't let me reply! D:
2: I hit two months of sickness today or tomorrow. My parents (well, mother) won't let me stop eating gluten, just to figure out if thats the problem. And won't even let me not eat it on the grounds it causes me physical pain. A LOT OF IT.
I feel like I'm dying.
My chest hurts, I can barely see, my arms and legs lack feeling, and I feel like a burlap sack full of glue.
And my family suddenly hates me because I do "nothing" and I'm constantly "lying" about feeling sick.
Because looking after the house for 2 weeks was nothing, because only making mess in my part of the house and never anywhere else is nothing,
because repeatedly asking to be allowed to cook for myself and purchase my own food is nothing.
I nothing but a burden to them, a burden about to be cast aside. Apparently I'm to be kicked out soon.
Was both crap and awesome.
Crap because I got a 49 on my texturing assignment failing it by 1%.
ONE FUCKING PERCENT.
I hate the number 49.
But awesome, because T is going to come and stay next weekend!!!! *SQUEEEE*
And also awesome because I have my dad's support to go to South Seas Film & Television School next year! yayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A ridiculously bad-start to what turned out to be a kick-ass day.
I woke up on time, and then remembered that I din't have a ride in to course, so I texted my sister, who didn't get up until two 'cause the docs gave her sleeping pills. So I was pissed and frustrated and what not about missing the day, and I knew I was gonna get blamed, no matter how I sliced it.
I didn't plan it though I just forgot that C caouldn't take me in to course today, so now I can't get there. lol.
Oh well, another day to get over smoking in the comfort of me own home.
My not-smoking is ruined because my mother can't be nice to me when I need support, and decided to be as bitchy as possible and act like withdrawls are lies and quitting is easy even thoughs she's been smoking for 20 something years and can't quit at all.
so I smoked.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
Please forgive me, please, no-one else will except A, my parents will just be horrible even though they can't quit smoking out of habit, not because they were treated badly and didn't want to punch their mother in the face and nearly did.
God I feel so self-loathy right now...