I just want to write. I don't quite know how to articulate my thoughts right now. All they appear as is a jumble of misplaced words. Words only I can put in order.

At this point in time I've hit a major obstacle in the road that is my life. I'm currently a junior in high school, which only makes this obstacle even larger.The one thing I want the most is the one thing I won't allow myself. I want out. I want to be rid of this damned closet that encases me. I want to stop lying to friends. I want to live my life the way it was meant to be lived in the open, not hidden like it is. Why must I keep such a large part of me so secret? I know I don't have to, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Why does this have to make my life harder? Can't it just make it more simple? Why now do I have to undergo this constant conflict within myself? Most of me just wants to run down the halls screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay!", but the part tthat holds me back is suffocating me. Is it possible to die inside from holding in so much? If so, I'm on my death bed. I just want to break down and cry. This ordeal is killing me slowly. I'm sick of this struggle within myself.

I need to get out now or I might just lose myself entirely.
<3 Sparkles
P.S. Becka and me are going to see how it might be possible to start a GSA in Marsh Valley High School. I'll be the gay, she'll be the straight, and we'll form an alliance. What we need now is an advisor and permission.

I wrote this last night. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have no clue as for what to do about the matter. I'm just so lost right now. I wish I had a guide.

Apearently when things get rough
you like to turn your back and run
You've left me here all alone
To fend for myself without you

Do you just leave when it's too tough
Run away from all of your problems
Do you just leave when it's too tough
Leave everyone who cares behind

Apearently we didn't matter enough
At least not enough to keep you here
You've left us here without a thought of what you've done
Just to run away from everything

Do you just leave when it's too tough
Run away from all of your problems
Do you just leave when it's too tough
Leave everyone who cares behind

Appearently I didn't mean anything to you
I meant not enough to make a difference
I didn't think that you were capable of this
If you could only understand it might change your mind

Do you just leave when it's too tough
Run away from all of your problems
Do you just leave when it's too tough
Leave everyone who cares behind

Is it too tough?
Is that why you're leaving?
It's not too late to fix it.. Is it?
Why won't you even try?

Watching through the glass what she cannot have
Afraid she ruins everything she touches
She just craves someones love and trust with no demand

She prays for love at first bite
Hoping for someone to save her soul
Wishing that this could be the one
She prays for love at first bite

She's looking through the distance at what she cannot touch
Hoping she is not the monster she feels she is
Just waiting for the chance that she might look back at her
She is so close yet so far and out of reach

She prays for love at first bite
Hoping for someone to save her soul
Wishing that this could be the one
She prays for love at first bite

She is waiting for something she cannot find alone
Believing she might find it soon
She's never wished or hoped for anything more
Just someone to save her from her hell

She prays for love at first bite
Hoping for someone to save her soul
Wishing that this could be the one
She prays for love at first bite

All that she wants is love at first bite

White lines, dangerous curves, and all that toys with your nerves
Snapping cameras, strobe lights everything flashing in your mind

It's just another game that she plays
Just another tool used to manipulate
Just a stragety to keep you on your toes

All the things that she does
Are to keep you wrapped around her finger (x2)

Sleekly elegant and so smooth are used to, to blackmail you
So slyly dressed to keep you stressed and impressed

It's just another game that she plays
Just another tool used to manipulate
Just a stragety to keep you on your toes

All the things that she does
Are to keep you wrapped around her finger (x2)

White lines, dangerous curves
Sleekly elegant and so smooth
Sex scenes strobe lights

It's just another game that she plays
It's just another game that she plays

Well, today me and my gbff Callin went to a rally today. It was very awesome except for the fact that we got lost like 2 times trying to get there. Needless to say we were a little late, but it was so worth it. When we got there maybe 50 people were there because we live in Idaho. We were'nt really expecting anyone to talk us because we drove like 50 miles from home to get there, but suprisingly they did. A man and his partner went around thanking everyone for their attendence. They stopped at us and we all talked for a while. It was so funny cuz the one man mistaked me for being straight but I guess I'm good at keeping off of the gaydar. He then asked me if I was lesbian. Which to everyone who knows me is kinda a duh question cuz it shows hardcore. Then we were introduced to a very nice straight couple who headed the local pflag in Idaho Falls. They invited us over to help decorate a chritmas tree for the festival of trees, but we didn't go cuz we couldn't find the right house. They told us to look for a house with a red roof and there were like seven on that road so we eventually gave up.
I was really excited to find that we actually have a gay community near where I live cuz the area is just so conservative. I really need to thank this site for my wonderful day because it was someone who posted a forum that had the link to where I would find out about the rally.
So I really just want to thank each and everyone of you for all just being so supportive on this site. At this point in my life it was a god send. I go to a really small high school full of conservative redneck republicans. I hate it, but I found this site and I found a place where I am accepted for who I am, not how I lie.

~Sparkles~

I designed the tattoo that i'm going to get soon. It is a cresenct moon with a rainbow ribbon wrapping down it if i can i will upload a pic. My first tattoo will be the most precious one. In a way i think that it says who i am without spelling it out for everyone. Subtle yet distinct.

I currently attend a very small high school in idaho. Our school is surrounded by cow pastures. The nearest town (which is like 5 min. away) probably has a total population of maybe three hundred. There are five hundred students, give or take a few, currently in attendence.

I have to hear nearly all of them say "that's so gay" or talk about how they love that prop 8 passed. I just want to explode and kill them all. I have had to deal with this since middle school. They are totally and utterly ignorant of others. They don't know how to define the word tolerance.

In my school cummunity there are few people who are even partialy out, never the less completely out. Some claim bi, but they are the girls who only date guys. I'm lesbian. My friend R is gay. My friend W is bi. that about covers it for my school.

Oh well, on the upside R & me are going to a prop 8 rally on saturday in IF. I'm so stoked about it. Can you scream EXCITED?

Well that's it for now. Bis Spater!

Yesterday evening I was sitting outside on the front porch steps. I was lost in thought. The sun was setting and as it did, it slyly hid behind blue clouds. As I was lost in thought, I began to accept myself totally like I was never able to before. And as I accepted myself, the sun would peer out of the clouds and shine upon me. The more I accepted my self the more it shone. It was a moment I have been waiting for since I discovered who I truely am. I thought I would share this with all of you.
By the way..... I am lesbian Hear me Roar!

I'm sorta in this situation that really sucks right now. I'm totally falling for a friend that lives like 300 miles from me. Here is the back story. We'll call this friend K. Well, I had planned on going to this concert for a month or so, and when I got to the venue where it was being held I met this great girl (K) and her girlfriend. We all just sorta hung out for like 7 hours before the concert. It was a blast. Right before the concer started we all passed around our cell phones and got everyones number. We also got myspace pages. Well actually K asked for mine and I gave it oh so willingly. I was the only one who gave a myspace and I only gave it to K.

That was in April. Well me and K have been friends on myspace ever since and we message each other all the time. We even talk on Yahoo messenger sometimes. But the other day we both realized that we had each others numbers and have never used them. Throughout this whole time I've have been slowly falling for her.
A few of the problems are: I'm 16, K is 19, The 300 miles that sepaerate us, The fact that she is going into the millitary, ans so many more. But I'm falling hard and I don't usually fall this hard for anyone.
Should I call her? Should I forget about this? I hope someone know what to do cuz I sure don't.

Lost & Falling Deeper