So I'm back, did ja miss me? So a lot has happened since I left, and it kinda sucks. Well, not all of it. Which is nice. Ok, so my friend with the tumor on the back of her eye, C, shes doing ok with that. Tomorrow she will have surgery on her eye. Shes a little worried about it, but its not to bad. L got back, hes been at a treatment center since he almost killed himself. But hes back, and he seems okay. Hes really nice, and I would really like to get to know him better. We used to be really close.
Hey everyone. I'm happier today. But I feel bad about that. What gives me the right to be okay right now? I mean, how can I be okay? I don't know, I'm not going to think about it. Is that just me being a coward? I don't know.
Thoughts spin around in my head like a whirl pool. How can everything go from managable to crazy in a week? IU haven't been on, and I really need to be. With everything thats happening, I need a place to just breath. But I love him so much, and hes hurt so bad. And hes just like me. But I survived. I got lucky, I got out, but he, he just kept going deeper. And she just keeps talking about how much her. How hard this must be for her, and how she wishes she was still close to her, while he just sits by the way side and rots away in the sun.
I keep thinking about the girl I'll spend the rest of my life with. I haven't met her yet, and yet she takes up quite alot of my mind. Shes smart, and interesting, and amazing. And I have crushes now, but I don't really like anyone, you know? Like, H, one of the girls I like, is really prety, and really sweet, but I would never really want to be with her. Anyone else know what I mean?
Yesterday everything sucked. Today I think I'm numb. But I mainly just feel really small. Yesterday my friend found out she has a tumor on the back of her eye. I have no idea where the hell up is anymore. Everything is just so fucked up and complicated. I don't know. Things used to be so important. I don't know. I can't write right now.
I feel horrible. This is the worst day that has ever been. I hate this! God, everything is just shit! I can't beleive this is happening, and everything is just falling apart and I don't know what to do. Because I can't do anything. What the hell am I supposed to do? News like this, just dropped, I just don't know how to deal with this.
And I hate that. I've spent so much time telling myself that I hate him. Hes done enough so that I should. But I just read the shirt I stole from him to sleep in. And I love him. God fucking damn it! It hurts so much. I don't want to love him. I want to hate him! It would be so much easier! I wouldn't hurt as much if I could just hate him. But instead I love him. I fucking love him.
I'm really getting tired of C. Shes just so . . . ARGH!!!!!! Ok, so to explain the title a little more, first: I am perfectly happy to be a lesbian. That is not the question. But C uses 'dyke' like a code of honor. She is ssoooo butch, which is fine, but she sees people who aren't as less than her and its really starting to piss me off. Like what the fuck?
Oh my god!!!
Ok, so I just got back from C's house. It was so amazing. So C has a friend, lets call her B, and shes a lesbian. Awesomness. So we were going to go see Milk, but we couldn't because me, C and B are all under 18, so we would need someone over 18 to not only buy us the tickets, but also go see it with us. Why?
So yes, ladies and gentlmen, I am apparently fun when high. Ok, so no, I'm not actually using drugs. I'm off my medication ow, but I did find out this morning that I was only supposed to use my inhaler once ever FOUR hours, instead of the once every TWO hours I thought it was. Oops.
I'm coining a new term. 'Culinarily Disinclined'. For those of us who just can't cook. My culinary triumph today was a salad. I wshed the lettuce all by myself, and even chopped it up. I feel sort of sorry for who ever ends up using what remains of the lettuce, but hey. I put it in the bowl, and even added some parmesain.
I'm so freaking tired. I don't even know why, I slept almost all day. I woke up at like 11:34 and its only 10:03 now, so I haven't even been up for twelve hours yet. And yet I am completely exhausted. I'm falling asleep watching Friends. How hard is it to do that? I mean, like they have a new plot line every three seconds, how do I even have time fall asleep?
No, like seriously, like I haven't gone to school at all this week. I'm on steroids, cough medicine, and albuterol. Woot. I'm having so much not fun. I'm watching TV, while my GPA goes down the drain. I can't do anything. Like, it hurts to breathe, so I pretty much just sit here all day, feeling sorry for myself. I'm watching Veronica Mars. I love that show.
To many tabs open all at once!!!! I have four. I'm not kidding. Two for the same website, one for oasis, and then one for a story I'm reading. Its crazy. Anyway, I have a cold. Like for reals, it sucks. I've been sick twice during my winter break. How unfair is that?