Ah, how I miss Oasis. :)

I'm going to see Twilight this evening and flying out to Texas for Thanksgiving break tomorrow. And today I get to be myself, no restrictions, with a bunch of my friends because E, the girl I'm still crazy about, went home already. I won't have to watch what I do and how I talk to her every second, which will be AMAZING!! Every other time I do anything, I have to be on guard so that I don't do anything I shouldn't...like kiss her or something. :P I really wanted to so many times this week, and I keep having to get one of my friends in between us. It gets old pretty fast, and then every night I go back to my room with my mind all screwed up. I'm really happy to get away from it all....and if this is still going on when I get back from break I'll have to tell her or I'll go completely crazy. I'm already having trouble focusing cause I'm so worried, and I'll sometimes completely zone out, especially around her.

I'm not too psyched about tomorrow, though. Too much time in the airport followed by extreme emotional time with my mom, followed by a total absence of friends for 10 days and nothing but relatives by blood or marriage. All I want is a haircut, a shopping spree, hours in the bookstore, and hours with a piano, and unfortunately I'll likely get all except the last one, which is the one I want most.

Whoo. Focus on the positive, focus on the positive. TWILIGHT!! Friends! No awkwardness!! Yay!!

:P

Well, the hiatus is a problem too, but not the main one. I don't go on Oasis when I'm at school, because the school is able to monitor where we go on the internet, and although the tech people are awesome and amazing, I don't want my browsing habits to get me out. Also, my desk faces in such a way that anyone walking in my room, and my roommate pretty much all the time can see my screen. 30+ girls plus dorm equals total lack of privacy. :P

Good news: I'm out to one of my best friends. :) It was very roundabout, but she knows that I have a crush on another one of our mutual best friends (not my long-ago-aforementioned crush...this is someone else). We haven't talked about it since, which is fine with me, but I'm ridiculously glad she knows.
I'm also really frustrated with myself for still liking.....let's call her E. I keep trying to treat her like normal, restrain my emotions, etc etc. I've tried to be mad at her and failed miserably. But every time I see E or talk to her, I just go crazy inside. I always want to be around her, I love to hang out with her, and it's become really awkward to watch movies together like we always used to, cause now I always want to sit by her, and when I do, I'm always trying to cuddle and sometimes there will just be this excruciating moment when I want to kiss her and I know that.....she's straight, to the extent of anyone's knowledge. She's just being caring like any other friend when we hug. But she looks gorgeous in my eyes, and when she was sick last weekend I went to visit her a bunch. My excuse was that she was quarantined in my dorm and I'd been around her so much that if I was going to catch it, it was too late already. However, I could have easily left her alone rather than go talk to her. Multiple times per day. When I should have been doing other stuff.

Other problem: I really wanted to get 100% out of town for Fall Break, but there was no way. :P Argh. I wanted to go visit M, my friend at App, but my other friend who lives nearby wasn't driving home, so I couldn't do anything. :P

Does anyone know how I can make sense of this and deal with falling for someone who could never, ever like me back? I know she won't, and I don't expect her to return my feelings. I wish I could get rid of them. I can't. :P

If only I had been born 2 years earlier. *sigh* With my friends, my school, my life in general, learning to drive, and almost everything, I would have been better of being born in '91. Except now everything with how old my friends are (2 years older), how long it will take me to finally get to drive (circumstances and bad timing), how crappy the school rules are becoming (recent developments) and with moving. :P

Well, so much for relieving my inner turmoil.

(In case you haven't figured it from the title, I cuss a tad more than usual. Still not a whole bunch. But more than usual. Not as if any of you know me in real life and know my speaking habits, but still...)

So, I told the girl I like that I like her. Mind you, this was not how I planned it. Firstly, I planned to tell her in person, not to back into it on IM. Second, I always imagined (naive, I know), that she might like me back. Third, I thought she would flip out more when I told her, and that everything would be awkward between us. However, that's not how it was at all. So I told her, pretty gently, I must say, and she told me, equally nicely, ok, I don't feel that way. Fine. All good. Since it was almost 1:30 AM at that point, she told me to go to sleep. ;) So ok, I logged off. Figured sleep was a good idea at that point. A couple of minutes ago, however, I decided to check Myspace (because OF COURSE in the past hour I had to find something to do other than sleep. :P), and discovered that she posted a blog about how strange she feels that so many of her friends (of both genders) develop crushes on her. Mind you, if you don't know her well and haven't read the actual blog, you don't quite understand her situation and way of expressing it. My concise version of it isn't quite as telling as what I really know, it's just too complicated to express without going into excruciating detail. So I basically feel like shit not because she doesn't like me. I knew it would never actually happen, so it's not like I had high hopes. And I know that she doesn't want to be mean and tell me in person, in the conversation, exactly how she feels. Ok. Fine. So I'm overreacting. But I wish she had told me! Dammit. Now I feel just as confused and shitty as if she had really been freaked out. Or maybe she's overreacting too. I know I'm not the whole reason she's freaked out--I'm actually just 1/15 of the issue, and I happen to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just confused about what I felt, what I feel, what I said, what I shouldn't have said, what has happened to her, the fact that we're amazingly close friends, and my wish that I knew what the hell was going on in both of our heads. I guess anyone who's read this far can figure I'm inexperienced in matters of romance. Yes, yes I am. So now I get to feel like I did it all wrong, but I couldn't have done it any more right. I liked her. Maybe I still do. Maybe it's over-inflated by not seeing her for almost 3 months. :( I'm not even quite sure what I think anymore. All I know is that I screwed up that conversation mega-ly, and I hope it was just one conversation instead of one very valuable friendship. Somebody give me sleeping pills. It's 2:30 AM, I have fucking cramps, and I'm so fucking confused. Worst of all, I can't commiserate with ANYONE cause I'm not out. We commiserated over stupid people before, our own stupidity, the stupidity of stupid boys in our lives. And now I have fucked up our relationship, at least temporarily, and there's nothing left for me to do but wish I were seeing her next week when I move back into school. Instead, I don't even know when I'm seeing her. When she'll visit. When I'll be able to make it right. Cause there's nothing quite like talking in person.

I'm gonna go write a fucking song. :P Too bad my grandparents only have a crappy old piano in the basement, where my aunt is sleeping. I need my electric keyboard back, but I will only have it for 2 days. :'(

If anyone has anything to say that's more positive than "you're shit", even if it's complete idiocy and contains no advice or helpfulness, please go ahead. Or send me positive thoughts and shit. Whatever floats your boat.

In closing: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. shitshitshit. I'm a fucking fool.

Well, this is what I get for being judgemental. Turns out someone new coming to school next year, who I judged to be a completely stereotypical smart ditz based on her appearance and facebook page (she friended a bunch of people here already) is actually one of my best friends' best friends from camp, very sweet, and into theatre! She's going to be one of my suitemates (we live in double rooms with 2 rooms connected by a bathroom that they share--thus suites) and she seems really nice in a non-typical-(insert name of school)-girl way. (I'm leaving out the name of my school for kinda obvious reasons, but if you care enough, I'm sure there is some way you can stalk it up online. :P)

So now I feel horrible for thinking she would be like "those girls" based on how she looked, and I'm also kinda anxious because if I meet her and we turn out to get along, I'll feel bad for having judged her (at least she doesn't know what I thought of her!), and if we don't, I will have gone along this rollercoaster for absolutely no reason.

On the upside, I'm basically done with my AP Chem work! :)

They do. (Because I just ate it. And although I didn't touch it with my fingers, herring-smell has a mysterious way of getting about.)

In any case, I'm working on a new song right now. I've at least stopped having music troubles, at least in terms of coming up with ideas. My grandparents' piano, which hasn't been tuned in approximately 25 years, is a different story, but I can handle it for another half a week. At least these grandparents still HAVE a piano. :P
I'm still having trouble coming up with good lyrics, but that's nothing new (this has been going on all summer). Funnily enough, I come up with better lyrics when I'm at school, for the most part. Or at least when I'm sitting somewhere and have no way to write them down. :P It always bothers me when I come up with these brilliant words or some amazing music in my head and I'm...in the car. In class. Somewhere stupid where I can't sing it or write it down. I wish every class other than science could be songwriting class. My life would be SO much more fun.

And, speaking of classes, less than 2 weeks til I go back to school. I finally get to see my friends again! Unfortunately, that also means less than 2 weeks to finish my summer work. Agh. The Odyssey is a great literature classic, but it has no major sympathetic characters to work with. All my favorites are the minor ones, like Eurycleia, Eumaeus, Nausicaa, etc etc. I'm also having a bit of trouble figuring out what a net ionic equation is and some other stuff. Note to anyone out there who is considering diving right into AP chemistry sophomore year without ever having taken a chemistry class before: IT IS A BAAAD, BAAAD IDEA. No matter how much you love science. Even if you think you're a genius. BAAD IDEA.

I'm also ridiculously excited for tomorrow (in my mind, The Judgement Day #1). On the magical school website, we will be able to look up what dorm/room we will be living in next year. I'm really really hoping for the newly renovated one, partly because, as opposed to my other option, there are no spiders, and partly because my best friends are almost guaranteed to be in that dorm. So be on the lookout for either a rant or raving praise and *squeeeeee!!!!!!!*-ing sometime tomorrow. :P

As everything always does, this has turned out WAY longer than I expected it to be.

On a final, random note: The whatever-you-call-it suffix on a url (.com, .org, .edu, etc.) is .si in Slovenia. :)

So I come back from vacation with mes parents to Austria and Italy (with a side trip to Slovenia), and one of the first things I discover upon returning to the internet is that my myspace has been hacked and at least one of my photos uploaded to some sketchy site which I can't access with a European IP address, so I don't even know the extent of the damage. I'm incredibly pissed off and frustrated. The only good thing is that the hacker doesn't seem to have done anything really horrible to my account.

In short, the vacation itself was amazing. However, I'm really looking forward to going first to my grandparents' house and then back to school, largely to escape my parents' constant bickering. Every day of this vacation, we have had some kind of argument over nonsense, and it's been getting on my nerves. It's almost impossible to describe, but it's pointless, egotistical, and devastating.

The thing I'm also really looking forward to is seeing my friends again. :D

Unfortunately that means the start of school as well. But it means no more annoying parents! I'll deal with the school bit (once I finish my AP Chem work. ahhh!!) So I'm generally optimistic. Just had to rant on the shit too. :)

Still trying to work out how I will ever find a relationship. And who/when I should come out to. It's a sort of daily consideration.

And I'm OVERJOYED to be back with my electric piano and computer! It's like Christmas all over again! (wow. That sounds idiotic. Ah well.) I hope I have time in the evenings this year like I did last year (and somebody to go with) so that I can play the piano and sing at school without having music teachers eavesdropping on me all the time. My piano teacher really is obnoxious, which is a pity, cause I love the piano so much.

This seems to have turned into something longer than it was intended to be, and done so magically without me even saying much about my fantastic trip! Basically: A week at an Austrian lake, with an afternoon trip to Ljubljana, and one day (yesterday) in Venice. I had never been to ANY of these places before, and it was all fantastic. My friends will probably be mad at me for not posting pics ASAP, but after the myspace hacking, I'm a bit scared, really. They might just have to wait til August 15th and onward. :P

And I'm also ridiculously excited about the drama club dinner theatre murder mystery we're planning for this year. Anyone have tips/experiences relating to that sort of thing? And anyone else been to Venice, Ljubljana, Innsbruck, or the Woerthersee so that I can enthuse along with someone else?

Voila. The un-proofread confusion that is my mind:

I have reservations about love. I haven’t found anyone who I want to have a long-term relationship with, ever, who it’s possible to have one with. If I wanted a fling, if I wanted sex, whatever, there are always people who don’t care about your personality, only care minimally about your looks, and care the most about whether you have the right anatomical parts or not. But finding someone who will love ME, look past the fact that I’m not drop-dead gorgeous or sexy, not care that I’m not popular, appreciate and complement my obsession with music, theater, and the most dorky of sciences, and live in a place where a relationship between us is even possible, is hard to find. And someone who I can love in return has to be like that. Maybe my standards are too high, but I refuse to get involved with someone who I don’t like enough to date for more than a short time. Since I’ve waited so long, I’m more and more closed to the options I have. And since I have pretty limited options, that doesn’t really help my quest.
And somehow, when I find someone I could see myself with, he or she only has friendship in mind, or doesn’t even have the right orientation for it to work out to begin with. On the rare occasions I’ve been able to summon up my courage to say that I really like someone, they’ve rebuffed it, kindly, but still rebuffed. A cancellation hurts less when it’s said sweetly, but it still hurts. And what hurts me more is knowing I’ve done the same thing to other people, especially a particularly nice guy I met last fall who I just couldn’t feel romantic affection for. Somehow, my heart eludes my head and all its reasons for being kind to others and receiving the same in return.
Finally, there’s the girl I love. We’ve been friends ever since we met at the beginning of last school year. However, she’s going to college and turning 18 soon, while I’m nowhere near in any way. I don’t know if we would date even if we weren’t far away and the wrong ages, but it would be nice to at least give it a chance. It might be awkward, and I would hope it wouldn’t ruin our incredibly close friendship. I’ll miss my all my friends who won’t be at my school anymore, but her especially, because I fell in love with her gradually, not realizing it would happen, not seeing that all our times together as friends left me feeling happier than I do after spending time with any of my other close friends. And then, when it hit me, like a box full of my hardcover fiction novels thrown from Hell, I suddenly knew that I was in love with her. However, it was too late to do anything about it in person. It’s the summer now, and I won’t see her until…sometime in the fall. I don’t even know when I’ll see her, and I can’t get enough of our online conversations. There’s so much more to love about her than hate that I just can’t help myself.