This happened to me a few weeks ago but I haven't had time until now to get it all out..

I was in art class and I'm out to this girl named Jen. I'm sitting at her table with a guy who I'm not out to. Jen likes to call me dyke and was going crazy with saying shit about it. Matt got into it to because he thought it was a joke. But then Jen said something how I'm going to be a virgin forever and then Matt said how I never will be fully satisfied and he can fix that. And me being a dumbass was just like "haha shut up!"

It like hit me in the face that I didn't know what to do. Looking back on it I get pissed at myself because I didn't stick up for myself and say shit back to them. It was one of those times that you think about later on and say "I shoulda said this" or whatever ya know? I am never going to just sit there ever again.

I felt so targeted and vulnerable.

Honestly, the reason I play basketball is because I don't want to become physically weak. I need to have confidence in my body that in the event that I need to run away from some rapist murderer with an ax that I will be able too. I'm making up for something I lack emotionally.
I don't think that guy will ever do anything to "fix me" but it makes me sick knowing that there are bastards out there who would.

Obama won my state! I'm really surprised actually. But happy nonetheless.

I restrained myself from crying when I read on here that Prop 8 passed. It may be 7 states away (but who's counting?...) but I'm still super upset and pissed.

So T had her baby! He's gorgeous. 7lb 2 oz 18 inches. I'll try and post pics of us later when I get time. His name is Aiden.

Basketball sucks. It takes up most of my evening. I guess I've just got into a lazy habit that needs to be broken.

My mom is here since T had her baby and its weird. My dad and his wife and my mom under the same roof. They haven't fought, its just weird at times. We all had dinner together tonight and that was extra weird. I rarely see my parents together at the same time or at the same table even.

We talked on the phone for 1 hour and 8 minutes.
She kept trying to hang up so I could go study for a Bio test but I kept talking anyways. Then finally she was like alright we should really be hanging up right now and I was like wait I have to tell you something.
Her- "What is it?"
Me- "I don't want you to hate me. Will you love me no matter what?"
Her- "Of course... What is it?"

*silence*

Me- "I'm gay"

*even longer silence*

Me- "Did you hear me?"
Her-"I don't think so."
Me- "What?"
Her- "I don't think you are. You're too young to know. You might change your mind."
Me- "I'm not going to change my mind."
Her-" Well have you ever had sex with a girl?"
Me- "No."
Her- "Then how are you sure? You might change your mind."
Me-" Have YOU ever had sex with a girl?"
Her- "NO"
Me- "Then how do you know that you're not gay? There's a double standard. If it was normal to be gay and I said I was straight then it would be unnormal to be straight"
Her-" You better go study now."
Me- "Alright..."
Her-" Well I guess I love you either way."
Me- "I love you to."

Thats basically how it went. I'll remember that conversation forever. She also said some stuff about how a lot of teenage girls "feel that way" and how with what I've been through could affect the way I think.
I don't need her acceptance, just her to know and now she does.
I haven't cried yet. I felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders (its cliche, but true) I've come back down to earth now though. I still have to tell my Dad,but I don't know when. Its not like my parents talk or anything so mom won't tell him. T talked to her today and she didn't say anything about our conversation either.
She never said it was a phase, but she made it sound like she thought that's what it is. I haven't talked to her since then either. I'm going to let her call me.

I'm wasting time.
And this is different than procrastinating.
I'm wasting time not just right now, but in life also. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't even actually feel like I can say I don't want to live a certain way anymore because I haven't been living.
I want to live.
I want to be able to breathe freely.
I want to love openly.

I'm holding myself back. And that sucks because I can't point a finger at something and blame it. It's my fault it's like this.

I've written so many journals like this. But guess what? I keep writing them because afterwards I feel better, yet I still don't take action.
Why?
Because I am a coward.

***
I just tried call my Mom. It's around 7pm where she lives and around 8pm where I live 12 hours away.
She didn't answer. Probably eating dinner with her Master and my Grandma.
I was going to come out to her.
I've even told T that the next time I talk to Mom I'm going to tell her I'm gay. (I've committed myself now.) But T replied I don't give a fuck. Ya I noticed you don't give a fuck about anything or anyone but yourself.

I can't tell my Dad before I tell my Mom. She'll be even more upset. My parents are divorced and act like little kids. Bastards.
(that probably doesn't make sense unless your parents are divorced or hate each other)

I'm going to tell my Mom the next time I talk to her. Hopefully tonight. I don't need her approval, just her to know.

Yup thats right. I'm a theif!

My friend Sam's ex-boyfriend is dating this nasty whore and we drove by her house last night and there was a McCain-Palin sign in her yard. I was like "EWW!! Stop the car!" She stops and I run out and grap the sign and Sam's starts driving away so I take off running after them trying to get in the car and then they stop and I run into the car door.

We went to Walmart after that and Jen rode in a shopping cart where the little kids are suppossed to sit. She's super little so she fit. The employees saw us and everything and just where like whatever and ignored us.
I tore the sign up and threw it out the window. I want an Obama sign but I'm not going to steal one. But what I really want is an Obama shirt but I haven't found anywhere that is selling them and I can't buy them off the internet.

I'm on Fall Break right now.
I've decided what I'm going to be for Halloween. A P-I-M-P. Sam and Jen are going to be my ho's. They're gonna dress up really slutty and I'm gonna dress up like a guy and wear a fur coat. I'm 16 years old and still going trick-or-treating! Be jealous

I just downloaded some of Amanda Palmer's new CD. I love it! My favorite song so far is "Oasis". I love the Dresden Dolls. Except its just her now.

We ran on the track today for basketball pre-season shit. I'm so out of shape. I hate it. I feel really gross. But now that I've worked out I feel better. Atleast I wasn't last.

I wore a rainbow bracelet today. I'm pretty sure there's this one bi girl at school that knows my secret. And wearing the bracelet probably added to it. But thats ok the more people know the better.. sort of. She looks at me weird... She knows thats why.

Dear Mom,

What's my favorite color? Is it my fault or yours that you don't know it? I think it's ours. Or mine. Or yours. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about how we joke about Bob being killed. So you can be free. But was it you who really trapped yourself in a unhealthy marriage or the failing government? You know I love you, right.
I've tried for years to not be like you, but in doing so I've become you. Others tell me I'm the complete opposite, its what I strive for sometimes. But I don't feel it. Should I? I look like you. We're both left handed.
People here remember you. They ask about you. It is you who's shut yourself out, not them. But I have to agree with you, this place is full of bastards and rednecks. They gossip like no other. People know everything about you and your family. More than I do.
School's getting harder Mom. I actually have to try now. It's not as easy as it used to be. I've never told you this before, but I think you did the right thing when you went to college after you had all of us. I never realized how hard that must have been until now.

I've tried to pin-point what's seperated us. To you it is that I live over 12 hours away. But to me it's internal. Don't feel special because I distance myself from everyone, not just you.

I've taken up writing. I've written a few poems. None of which I will probably show anyone but I wrote them.

I've choked while eating a few times recently. It's scary not being able to breathe. But sometimes I, figurativly, feel suffocated. So pushed and beaten down. I know you've felt that way before. Aunt told me so. I've been to a low too. I hide it like you do. I believe that I can overcome mine one day. Hopefully soon. Do you remember when I saw your bottle of Prosac on the counter and asked what it was? And you replied that it helped you deal with me.
I fear that you will die before I get to tell you some important things. You talk about you dying a lot. You say how it wouldn't be so bad after all you've been through. I don't want you to die. I may not show it but I truly want you to live. To be alive and live. Not just float through like you do. But it's my fault that you do right? Because I moved away from you. Because I'm selfish and just like Dad. Right?

I love you so much but, you make me so angry. I refuse to let this get to me much longer. And when I begin to feel down I'll write, not hide. I am strong. Its not fair that I grew up so young but I'm making the best of it and using it to my advantage.

* Of course I'll never give this to her. Its the second one I've written. Its too mean and angry. But thats how I feel. Its contradictory too. But thats also me. Anyway, as I said that when things get shitty I'll write instead. And thats what I did.

I made a list in my head today during Biology class. We're studying the periodic table and all of the confusing things that go with it. Its hard and I just zoned out today because I was pissed that I don't understand it. (So I just gave up, that solves everything!) Anyways the list. Its about gay stuff that I contemplated and thought I would write about it because I don't want it in my head anymore.

- I've gotten more confident in myself since I first started to come out.
- I CAN'T count the people I'm out to with 2 hands!
- I'm secretly afriad that when I have sex with a girl I'll get down there and be like EW THIS IS SOO GROSS!!
- I want a fag hag
- I want to be someones fag hag (can girls even be fag hags)
- I think that some people know I'm gay but are waiting for me to say something to them
- Sometimes I wish I wasn't so femme and people could tell I was a homo by looking at me
- Everyone thinks my older sister is a dyke but they have the wrong sister
- If I don't go to college in California it will be the end of the world and I will have no choice but to kill myself
- I'm ashamed sometimes that I use some internet site like this to express the real me (I'm soo grateful for this place though, its helped me in soo many ways)
- I think that I'll probably have sex with a guy just to see what its like and what all the hype is about
- My geometry teacher is really sexy and has a nice rack
- Something in my heart tells me that my parents would be ok with me being gay, yet I still haven't told them
- I get mad when other people who are noticably gay aren't out (I'm a hypocrite I know)
- I want to have a kid biologically; like get pregnant
- Having other gay kids at my school hasn't really helped me that much, but I know if they weren't there I would have another excuse as to why I'm not completely out
- I care to an extent what people think of me. And I don't think thats a bad thing at all.
- There are 2 teacher dykes at my school (gym teacher and basketball coach) It pisses me off that they aren't "open". I mean everyone knows that they are gay but they don't ever say anything gay related. Thats probably to save their own ass but I'm still upset. I don't want to be like that when I'm older and have a job. Its probably not that big of deal to be out to them anymore either
- I make things a bigger deal than they need to be

I vow to not touch any alcoholic bevarage for a very long time.

Well world I'm having my first big hangover. I don't feel good. My head hurts and I've thrown up more last night than I have in a my entire lifetime. All I want to do is sleep.
But
Last night was soo fun! Before we got drunk we all drove around and went to the Mall. I got this really cool necklace from Hot Topic. And I donated $1 so I got two guitar picks from there. Shelbie knew this one guy that would get us stuff so we had to drive like 30 minutes to his house with him. We got Smirnoff Vodka. It was warm and it burned going down my throat but it tasted like green apples. Sam broke Shelbie's window and threw up on her floor. It was so gross and all me and Shelbie could do was laugh at her. I'm glad I made it to the toilet atleast.

*A Note to Self for when I get older and go back through this journal*

I like the way alcohol makes me feel. Thats really stupid and makes me sound like an alcoholic but its true. When I'm drunk I feel so free. I don't care what happens, I'm living in the moment. I don't live in the moment enough and alcohol helps me too. Ya sure its totally illegal for me to be drinking but thats one reason why it makes it fun too. I always do what I'm suppossed too. I like that I'm doing something my parents would kick my ass for. When I have kids I hope they feel that they can talk to me about stuff like drinking. I can't do that with mine. I don't feel like I can.
(I shouldn't be doing it thats why.) But I know my parents did.
They expect me to be perfect. Ever since T got pregnant they put so much pressure on me to do better than my brother and sisters did. I mean ya I wanna do great things but I don't need them breathing down my neck all the time.
And I don't want to be like T. But in a way I'm getting there. I told my Dad the truth about where I was staying last night but I didn't tell him who was there and where we went and what we did. And he asked too. I just made up stuff.

*End of me being honest outside of my head*

Sara told my friend Sam I'm gay. I fucking trusted her to not tell anyone and then she goes and tells Sam! I trust to easily.
So Sam's bf broke up with her on their 4 month anniversary. And she went over to Sara's balling and they were talking and I guess Sam made some comment like I'm gonna go gay now because guys suck. And Sara was like I know one of our friends that is gay. And Sam guessed a bunch of people before me.
I mean I was going to tell Sam I was gay eventually, but I didn't think it'd be this way. At first I was really pissed at Sara but now I'm just like whatever because Sam's cool with it, she said she supports me 100%.
And she said how it was really cute. How can gay be cute? I asked her if she thought I was and she said she had no clue (damnit!) Sometimes I wished I wasn't so girly and had short hair and drove a truck.

So now 2 people at my school know. And I think a few have suspicions.
Like this one girl. She's called me a lesbian since last basketball season. And we were talking yesterday and she started up again on it and she asked me if I was and I was like yup. And she was like seriously? I asked her if she thought I was and she said she wasn't sure.. And then she was like well before Lance (total flamer at our school) came out I called him gay and everything and I just wanted to know if it was gonna be like that or not.
It was just a weird conversation all together.

I'm going to a football game and then tomorrow night me and a group of friends might go to Sleepy Hollow to waste time until S bf gets off work so he can get us alcohol. Ugh I wish we were over 21 then we wouldn't have to plot how to get alcohol. But that might take the fun out of it...

Yup. The girl of my dreams gave a guy head. :(
I mean she 1) doesn't know I'm gay but I think she wouldn't care either way but she would question a lot of the times we've been together b/c I sorta flirt with her. 2) she's straight and thats what girls do when they like guys. 3) She's hot and I figured she was going to get with someone one day or another and I just thought it would be me. 4) I got my hopes up and shouldn't have.

Blah. This always happens. Honestly I don't know if I would be more upset if she had sex with a girl than a guy, because I've never liked a gay girl. I shouldn't even be upset because nothing was ever going to happen anyway but I still held onto the slim chance. And I still kinda hold onto it, but now if I ever do get to kiss her like I want to then I'll think about how she gave this guy head and think how some guys dick was in her mouth. I feel really stupid for thinking that because it doesn't matter if she's had sex with a guy or not etc. I don't want to know the people's I date like sexual history necassirly; just as long as I know they don't have STD's.
Ugh but she has such kissable lips and great smile and she's smart. She's a cheerleader and she totally doesn't act like the stereotypical cheerleader. Not to mention the fact that she's brunette and those are my weakness.

We are in this same group and today we got to fly in an airplane (a little one, it holds like 3 passengers) and see our houses. It was awsome. I love flying now. Its waayy better than any rollercoaster I've been on. And I drove Her home afterwards. I act casual around her, I get butterflys but its not like to the point where I don't want to talk to her. I want to be around her, I act myself. Honestly the butterflys are a big part of why I keep talking to her. I love that feeling of like floatingness, goofy smiles and just living in the moment.

I fall too hard and too easily.

I stayed the night at Sara's last night. We went to the football game for like the last quarter and then went back to her house. Then today we went to the mall. I drove illegally. I've only had my license a little over a month and I can't have any passengers for 90 days. My dad doesn't know, he'd kill me if he found out I drove her. Not to mention the fact that I spent the money he gave me for the football game and food on shoes. :)
So ya we went to the mall. And we as we were walking we kept like running into eachother and brushing hands, everytime it happened I would like veer the other direction and we kept managing to get closer and do it again. And when it happened one time Sara was like "Are you trying to hold my hand or something?" I told her if I wanted to hold her hand I would've done it years ago. *Flashback: we did hold hands at a football game one time because our friends were holding hands and she was like ohh thats cute! Hold my hand! and she grabed mine and held it for like 2 minutes. And I was out to her then.*
So ya I feel like now that I came out to her and she pretty much came out to me as bi that she might like me now. And I don't like her like that. I just want to be friends and I don't want to end our friendship. I don't actually think that she would ever act on anything though (like make a move) I don't know what I would do. And I dont' want to to talk to her because I might be wrong and it'd be awkward afterwards. Blah.
This is confusing and I'm trying not to think about it too much. ha ya right.

I bought a pair of flats today. I haven't worn them yet. They're cute though. They have black and dark gray stripes with a little button on them. Idk I'm not good at describing stuff but they look like normal flats with those colors. I like em.

So I guess my dad was full custody of me now. My mom called me last night and said she got papers in the mail signing custody over to my dad. And she was like are you sure this is what you want? I was like I guess so, I mean I've almost lived here for a year in October. I hate making serious decisions, yet I don't want others to make them for me really. My mom said my dad's asking for child support, but she can pick how much she wants to pay (that shocked me). But my mom was like I don't want you to think that I never provided for you so I'm going to pay it. Why does she think that money would compensate for her being in Missouri and I'm here?! Wtf. I'd rather her be here and not have to send money. Its her decision though to be controlled by her fucking master so fuck that. Ugh. I would rather have both of my parents live near me than never go shopping or buy another pair of shoes again. When it comes down to it money or my clothes aren't that important to me, but I feel like I've made them important because no one else is there and thats what I've seen all my life.

So I've pretty much figured my sexuality out.. I'm a dyke. And I don't mind that label, personally I need to have things labeled and in place and set in stone for the most part. Well thats why figuring your sexuality out sucks balls because it's fluid. Anyways, so now I'm like confused with everything else. I know I kinda said I was going to join the swim team at school, but maybe basketball. I think I might go back to basketball this season because
- I enjoy basketball
- Theres a new coach that isn't a pedaphile
- If I quit bball for a year and go back to it, i'll probably be on JV as a junior and thats not cool
- I still have 2 more years to do swim team
I know I make things a bigger deal than they need to be, I wish I didn't though. I'll take forever to make a decision and then when I make it I think its the wrong one and I'll regret it. (I think too much into things)
Blah right now my heads saying basketball. Sara's on the swim team though and I won't be able to be with her as much though..... grr

I'm a student helper for a 5th grade teacher for one of my class periods and today I had to make a chart and I was sitting there and one of the students comes up to me and says, "I think you look better when you wear your hair down, I mean you're still pretty but I think you're prettier when you wear your hair down." I was like um Thank You? I wear my hair in a pony tail most of the time, I have side bangs and today I wore my hair in a messy bun and it looked cute. I'm too lazy to wear my hair down a lot. I can't just step out of the shower and be on my way, my hair would get super wavy.
But this girl reminds me of myself when I was in 5th grade. I've thought that from like the first day I was in there. Its just weird to be older and then be around younger kids and then think which kid you were. I was the "I play sports but am not a jock and have good grades but doesn't know everything and doesn't fit into a click but hangs out with everybody kid" or maybe thats me now?

So I went to Homecoming on Friday. The game wasn't bad, I didn't watch it but we won. All I did was make the rounds and talk to everyone and it was pretty fun. We didn't go to the dance (thankfully) instead we went to this girl Jen's house and were gonna go into to town and drop her off at her boyfriends and have him buy alcohol for us. Well on the way there Jens boyfriend made some comment like if he's going to buy us alcohol then she was to give him pussy. We, literally, turned around in the nearest driveway and went back to Jen's house. It was me and 4 other girls there and we just walked around and then at like 11 Jens sister drove us into town and we went to walmart. Well on the way out there were these 2 guys and Sam said hi to them and we start talking and everything and then he was like "I don't know what you guys are into, but I'm having a party and theres gonna be free roles of ecstacy there" Sam was like alright whats your number? (I wanted to beat the shit out of her) So we get in the car and they start following us around. And then we raced them on the strip in town. That lasted for about 2 hours. ( I didn't even know ecstacy could be roled, and I'm not even sure if I'm spelling it right)

Sara told me how her and Sara were talking about Jen's shitty boyfriend and her bad taste in guys and Sam said how her and Sara and me have good taste in guys. Sara said how she was like laughing inside (I'm not out to Sam but am to Sara) I feel bad, like the "secret knowingness" is great between us, but I feel like I'm having her lie for me in a way. I don't want her too.

On Friday I was talking to a friend and she was saying what kinda guy she went for and then she finished talking about it and was like standing there waiting for me to say what kinda guy I like. I didn't say anything and just stood there. It was awkard, but I'm not going to lie about liking guys anymore and I've pretty much kept that promise to myself. I think I'm acting more gay. I wear my rainbow belt a lot and have gotten compliments on it, people say they love it and how they want to steal it. I want more rainbow stuff, at first I thought I would have to cut my hair to be more gay, ha not happening I like my hair long I want it longer actually.