*Sorry for the long blog--there's a part two*

There's something to be said about the line, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Even those of us who are not alcoholics know that our weakness will follow us for all of life.

I'm a bulimic...in recovery. While not "in recovery" in the truest medical sense, I've gone to therapy off and on, on anti-anxiety medication among other things. I learned while reading books on EDs (eating disorders), many people experience the want and the feelings of need in going back to their bad habits. I've been purge-free for the past 3 months, but tonight I had this urge to revert to my old habits.

I got my job at the vet clinic in Kansas. I move back in 11 days, but before I left, I decided to call up a guy for a fling. "This fling with be detached from any previous feelings I've had for him in the past 9 months."

You can convince yourself of anything while you're at it, but tonight I thought about how meeting him flared up my bulimia to epic proportions last fall. To be fair, he never has said a harsh word to me about the way I look or how I am. I believe he liked me, but never said it. Since meeting him, I became so invested about how much I ate so I would look "good enough for him" in my own mind.

In one month, I went from 239# to 205#...I ran the gamut of complications from my purging ranging from a panic attack that sent me to the ER and blood coming out of my mouth at work. Things didn't work out with him and I. I let my bulimia take over my sense of pride, dignity, and well being.

This past February, I had resumed my habit of purging now at work, the park at 11pm at night, at home when 5 or 6 other people would be there. I didn't even try to care if anyone knew. Faced with a sense of no direction, I had bought a bottle of diet pills. If the bottle says only take one every 6-8 hours and you take 4 or 5 at a time, shit is a brewing. I remember sitting in bathroom in wrenching pain and nauseous as all get out. I was literally afraid to fall asleep. My roommates worried and kept asking what was wrong. I should have told them to take me to the ER. Who knows how many of those pills I took. Maybe 4, 5, 6? In desperation, my roommates kept trying to help me. I refused to talk to them. Of course, they knew about my purging, but in my fantasy mind, they knew nothing of my feeling of worthlessness.

After coming back from a convention in Kansas City (a couple of days after the pill incident), my depression and bulimia furthered. One of my roommates finally confronted me about purging as he was standing on the other side of the bathroom door while I was doing the whole "run the shower while you purge so they won't hear you" ordeal that I had done for the past 5 months. I was furious that he had the gall to say, "why the hell do you keep doing this to yourself!"

That afternoon, sometime around February 15th, I still had about 30 of those blue diet pills. I went into the living room and just stared at the ceiling. I felt everything fall out of place in my mind. I felt crazy. I felt destroyed by my eating disorder. I drove to the clinic to talk to my manager along with my pills. "I just want to down these right now....there's nothing left of me"

I'm really nervous about my upcoming working interview at the end of the month. I've worked at an emergency vet clinic the past two years (4000+ hours on the clock thus far) here in town, but now I'm trying for anouther clinic back home. There's a sense of family at the clinic I currently work at....I'm nervous about having to start all over.

After my last entry from last night, I feel all my self-doubt about life weighing down. Even though I'm highly medicated to combat the depression and anxiety, I feel unrest inside of me.

Most of it (besides the normal body image and boy troubles) lies upon my inability to be social within the gay community. As I mentioned earlier, I've always felt alot of shame about being gay. Therefore, it's transferred to other gay people.

I've tried my damnedest not to feel....I don't know...homophobic?! I don't think that's the right term, but the closest thing I can put a word to.

-I don't understand why the community feels the need to have pride parades
-I don't understand why we even need community in the first place!

Like I've said, I'm trying to move past all the bondage that was my childhood and all the homophobic things I heard back then.

Just trying to get rid so much baggage right now before I move...or maybe moving back home is really what I need to leave the baggage here.

There are some song lyrics I love and hope that I can do the same:
"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'Coz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love - I guess I have lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost"

-Tanith

So this is my first post in this journal...I'm horrible with introductions so I guess if people want to know more about me: read on or PM me.

So I've been living in Missouri for almost 3 years now and have only gone out on 2 dates! Albeit, those guys were wrong for me. It's as if everyone else around me aren't socially awkward when it comes to dating people, but it's very real for me. It's been more hookups or sad trials in the dating realm.

Everyone always says, "your time will come...you'll find him!"
I scoff a bit.

Of course, these people who say this, have dated numerous times or had experiences that I've yet to have. My god, I'm almost 22 now and not a decent date or nice guy has come around. I know, a lot of this is my fault. I'm so shy and nervous around people. I feel like I need to be perfect. I thought to myself once, "OMG, if he knew how much I weighed or if I don't suck all of my fat in, he'll dump me!"

Seriously people, this is a horrible train of thought to run off with. I dealt with a horrible eating disorder for 6 months previously because I always felt to worthless. Now fully medicated, where do I go? I'm full of doubt that I'm good enough for people minus the horrible side effects of being bulimic.

I just I've always felt so scared about relationships because I had such a horrible life with my family in high school when they found out that their son is gay. I've removed myself from the guilt that's called religion, but still feel awful about wanting to kiss a guy that I become so scared.

Sad for a soon to be 22 year old, right?