Eclipse is done too, now... well, was done a couple days ago, but we all know what happened then ;)

Her writing got progressively worse and the characters, at least to me, lost their continuity in places. Is continuity the right word? The decisions they made at times, or the things they said/chose to ignore made no sense w/ who they are, but rather only w/ continuation of plot, development of a mystery for the next sequel, etc. It was a bit odd. Perhaps it's the character development that was a bit off in its fluidity?

Anyways, the Edward-Bella relationship inspired me to remember the power of obsession when it comes to rekindling love, and I've been bugging my ex a lot lately. We finally saw each other last night... he's the only one that's managed to take my breath away like that, ever; just with a kiss, a touch, a look, even. Okay, the look might be stretching it a lil', I'm not sure... It's kind of funny, because his face looks like a girl sometimes; and then it's just odd and frustrating.

We were together a few years ago, and then a long series of break-ups ensued, all resulting in his heart getting broken and mine not. How my interest has come back in such full force, I don't know. But at least there's a possibility this time that I'll be the one getting hurt. Which is scary, but levels out our relationship a little bit, I think.

We're not really *together*... but in a way, we're back home; with lots to rebuild, lots of new things to learn.

Just finished New Moon. Since it is her book, I also miss my sister. Since Edward and Bella interact so familiar, in some ways, I want my ex. I always wonder, with past relationships, which parts were reality and which were projections of an idea(l).

In other news, sexual adventures w/ others are good also because they give you new ideas of what to do with yourself.

The end :)

I surrendered to my sister's tastes and read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer... I thoroughly enjoyed the first third of the book, and after that I could feel her stretching out the story... of course, that part you read anyways - obsessively, but with little admiration. The last third was at least decent. Anyone have any cool/interesting things that they noticed about that book/story/characters/etc., if they've read it? I love to see all the different views with literature :)

Slept with a guy a few weeks ago. It was... interesting. It was fun, hot, mature (?), reckless, an adventure; with an experienced, understanding, sweet, and polite partner; a fitting first time to my character, in the broad morning light.

We agreed that it'd be one of those things that happens again, as long as there's no drama and that no one at work finds out. He's jovial/cordial enough at work (our paths don't actually intercept too much, which is great); I'm mostly just very professional around him, and usually busy with my own thing. In any case, I haven't heard from him, and the couple times I've texted him, he hasn't replied. I don't know how to interpret my feelings about this, seeing as I don't know what my feelings are. I don't seem to care, really... Neither one of us was planning on any emotional involvement with each other, so it's easy in that sense. It would have been a fun little summer affair to have, sexually, though. Still, it hurts... I think... :S Maybe it's the generic pain of anticipating more of something and not getting it. Or of briefly finding a rare (at least in my case) connection with someone, with communication that is spectacularly honest - and then losing it just as strangely as it emerged.

? :S

I want to cry. I wish I could cry and get it all out; but everything is so simple and inexplicable. There aren't a million clear thoughts running through my head; it's all just about waiting and seeing what happens. It's like a state of being frozen in time while real life whisks by you. It's addictive, and I need to unfreeze. Unfreeze it; move; be excited by something. Physical interactions with people are the only thing I can trust; I wish I could throw everything else away and not obsess over it. Physical interactions with anything, really (i.e. cooking, my chosen profession).

Maybe I should just sleep the rest of the time - when I'm not physically interacting with anything. Maybe I need words; crisp, clear and concise - to be able to identify and express my physical experiences. Perhaps to gain control over my experiences. But is life about control? I don't know. I watched Girl, Interrupted a couple nights ago, which is why 'control' is cropping up more. But I don't know.

I also need more self-control and more clarity with that self-control. I made a promise, and have been walking through the gray area of 'mildly' breaking it. Being a black'n'white kind of person, an idealist at heart so much that I just ignore it and give up on things, this feels like a betrayal to myself, to my experience in life, and to that person. I need self-control so I can keep promises. Or not make ones I can't keep. Is it possible to be an incredibly passionate person with being a pig? I think so. You just have to be passionate about beauty in everything that is and that happens, and then the choices are easy, and all that you do is interesting. Now I feel like I'm about an inch away from jacking off to Mozart (in terms of exploring beauty, haha), cue Katy Perry's Ur So Gay song. Oof.

Wow, I just read "Advice from Toblerone" in the Coming out section, and it made me cry; the part about his parents saying that it's not something that can be changed, and they'll all just have to live with it, that they're sorry they couldn't help the confusion more when he was younger, that they love him just as much if not more... even though they live in China and are generally very conservative etc. And his mom just *knew*, she just asked him out of nowhere on the phone... "do you like boys?"

I wish for more happy moments in my own continuous CO's... :(

Ya I'm still an angel. And I don't feel pain. Or something.

I often see how things are going to work out with people, how situations are going to play out, no matter what the "plan" is. I would think most people can, to one extent or another. And I know. But I stick around anyways, because ya never know - people could surprise you.

But they don't. Not in a good way, and not in a bad way. I know, and I hang around to see it all happen; to check whether my senses were right, to find out whether a crazy, heartwarming possibility ever manifests itself. I let people be themselves and show me who they are. I don't pressure or manipulate even in the slightest; I don't judge, and mostly don't stereotype. I open up my heart without sharing my own drama.

And I get hurt. I like to think/feel that it is mostly disappointment for having wasted another night. Like eating that simple, beautiful-looking box of sushi, fully aware of the fact that it is quite likely not so healthy anymore, yet unable to resist the pull of hunger. Then again, maybe I feel disrespected or simply don't get what I want, and those things silently spill into my disappointment.

I want to help heal people's hearts, somehow take care of the ones I know. My own is still waiting for a savior.

I wish the little non-judgemental, freeflowing, chill bubble that I create could help people heal, somehow; or at least give them space to be who they want to be, love who they want to love, help them figure things out, or just be at peace.

I dared to want, desire, feel, be happy. In these last two weeks, I've been somehow content, whether in solitude or with company.

Awesome, right? Ha, no. Sadness, being a feeling, follows suit. I guess it's caught up with me now. It always does, when I start acting within what I perceive as being within 'proper social constraints' instead of doing what I want. Or when I start desiring something that is impossible to attain. It may be as simple as some plans being canceled, as well as then deciding on not calling an acquaintance you wanted to see (because you have no idea whether they'll appreciate the phone call). Or an act you see on stage being so enticing that you wish they'd take you home at the end of the night. Silly fun things that come back to haunt me once I'm already weak.

I guess it doesn't matter which city I live in, whether my family is close by, and whether I am doing something I love. I don't know exactly why, but often when a few moments to spare catch up with me, I'm screwed... nor do I want to be one of those people who keep themselves super-busy just to avoid having to look in to the pit of despair, or having the darkness engulf them. Geh.

Alright, enough of that; I might as well get something done today, if only to spite time and fate.

:S

Alright, rant time.

By the way... thank you guys so much for the comments! Makes it all so much better :)

By the way #2 - I'm listening to depressing Russian music, so thoughts might be a bit jumbled.

Right... rant time. Boys are icky. Males w/ tendencies towards genderfucking are awesome, and less icky. And all females just rock. That is my opinion as a sexual being. As just-a-person, everyone to me is equally cool, strange and, eventually, trouble. Hehe. :)

Hellz ya I'm gay, but that's not the way I was brought up. Gay doesn't tie into the things I was brought up to want, dream of, consider right. I'm quite dependent on my family in a lot of ways. I've moved out before, and I'm currently moving out again... but there's a lot that doesn't change. Imagine knowing that no love and no romantic union you are ever in will be considered real, taken seriously, or approved of - let alone celebrated.

At this point, my parents don't want to know if one of my female friends is a 'sexual partner', as my dad refers to someone I would call a girlfriend; they don't want to know she's anything more than a friend. On the other hand, if I have a boyfriend, we are welcome to move in to their house... oy.

Which is why it is frustrating that guys+sex=ick. With every cute one I talk to, the heteronormative dream dies again (lol!) It just gets exhausting. Life would be so much better, for example, if instead of the abundance of cute straight boys at my work, they were all attractive gay women.

Er... enough about that, I guess.

Tea is good.

And genderfucking is hot/cute... I met this transguy, and he likes to play around w/ gender, which is awesome... and I'm not sure whether we're going to just hang out or hook up soon or hook up eventually... I don't know. Esp. since I've never had intercourse (or fully been w/ a woman either, for that matter)... so I don't know whether I'm just nervous or there's actually something else holding me back. I have no idea whether I'm attracted to him physically or not, because he hasn't even flirtingly touched me yet, and that's probably why I'm hesitant. I've had plenty of opportunity w/ fairly heteronormative males, and I usually end up backing out at some point because I am just not attracted to them and don't want to be there. But, yanno... this one's obviously different (him being polyamorous is another huge awesome thing)... I just need to get him to physically flirt w/ me, lol...and I don' t know how to do that.

In all other ways, life is far too busy for my liking; I'd much rather be spending all the time in the world on learning more about food than on moving, finances, non-foodie homework, cleaning, and obsessing over happiness (maybe 'socially acceptable' is good enough? ahaha who am I kidding!). Oy, and especially the cleaning... eugh.

Okies, out for the night! <3

Well... looks like I'm finally posting on here, after reading a few journal entries and becoming more comfortable w/ putting my own stuff out there. I've got to admit, I've been reading Riku's journal for months now, and finally signed up as a member a couple weeks ago.

I should be sleeping.

Just came back from a queer fest screening of short films, 'twas fun. :) Anyone ever seen the queer short film The Milkman? If you haven't, you should (if you can find it). It reminds you that there are new, different, surprising, and yet somehow familiar, perspectives on things and people out there. Or, at least, it reminded me. XP

It's nice, because tonight I really needed a shot of 'queer', and thank goodness I got it! I simultaneously watched Hot Rod and Queer as Folk episodes, then read Riku's latest entry and headed off to the fest.

Instead of dealing with the tangled up mess that is my 'life.' I'll expand on that later, but seriously... I've just been escaping and escaping and escaping, and almost every time I do that, I pay the price of things getting even more tangled due to being left unattended. But who wants to start dealing with a million things (especially a sleep-deprived who) when they can just turn off their cell phone, start walkin' some road in unpredictable directions, get a few shots of queer, get intoxicated, talk to strangers... anything that appeals to the free spirit?!

Alright, class tomorrow.