Good news #1: my college GSA organized a screening of "The Laramie Project" tonight. I've been wanting to see that, so you better believe I'm going. :-)

Disappointing news #1: while me and another girl tried to explain to my friend SB what said film is about, the other girl admitted to being "slightly homophobic." So is a guy who lives down the hall from me. But they're nice people... :-(

Good news #2: the people in the GSA are very nice, and there are people there that I know from classes (and occasionally one girl I knew in high school).

Disappointing news #2: they announced at GSA that this guy got his door vandalized with anti-gay graffiti. They wouldn't let anyone walk home from the meeting alone... can't say I blame them.

Good news #3: I'm planning to come out to a close friend of mine from back home this week and I do believe she will be cool with it.

Disappointing news #3: I do not feel ready to come out to most of the people I've met at college. Need more time I guess.

Being lesbian in college is a bit of a mixed bag...

www.outproud.org <---- One of the first websites I visited when I started to think I wasn't straight. There's some good information there, especially on the brochures page. (I think there's a link to Oasis on there too.)

However, in the last few weeks I've been getting "server not found" errors from my web browser whenever I try to load a page from the Outproud site.

I just wondered if anyone else is having this problem and/or knows what's up: did the site go offline, or is my computer just being freaky?

We played this game a couple times in my summer acting program where we write down things most people won't know about us, then throw all the paper slips in a pile, draw them one at a time, and try to guess which is whose. I suppose it has been on my mind a little bit because I've been tempted to write down "I'm gay" both times. We're probably going to play again for our last day of class, so I'm trying to decide if I should tell them or think of something else fun and obscure about myself...

(...and the next thought into my head is, "since when is being a lesbian fun and obscure?")

Ah well. I think they'd accept it, but it seems a little bit strange way to do things. Maybe because I've only been out to myself for around six months and I'd essentially be tripling the number of people I've told... at the moment I'm thinking I'll put something else down if we play, it's just an interesting idea.

In other business, I've done something to my arch by wearing converse shoes all week, which means it is hurting and I have to dance tomorrow... sigh...

To give the shortest explanation, I finally asked and learned that S does not return my crush. Somehow I was expecting that...

:-(

Our friendship appears to be relatively unscathed (if I may venture such an appraisal three days later), which I am glad about. I'm trying to hide disappointment now though, and frustration because I'm still attracted to her but have to stop hoping.

I did talk to another friend of mine, D, a few days before this, and she told me something that has been comforting... she said there'd be someone for me in college. (College is a month away.)

Still, if only "someone"s could seem as real before you meet them as they are when you fall for them.

My state is one of those that has passed, of all things, a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT banning gay marriage. This happened a couple years ago, when I: a) was too young to vote, and b) did not know I was gay. Though I do remember wishing I could go to a rally in opposition to said amendment. (I was afraid to ask my mom about it. No idea what she thinks of LGBTQ people...)

So I've known about this, logically, for some time. But, just now I took it into my head to go on the state website and actually look up that section. Sure enough, I found it: “A marriage between a man and a woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.”

Since I already knew it was there, I was surprised by how much it stung to read. Maybe I finally had to step back and realize that, unless that amendment is someday repealed, I can fall in love with a woman but can't marry her in my home state.

Which, even though I haven't been in a relationship yet, even though I wouldn't want to get married for several years yet, is a big thing.

What to say about it? I don't know. Maybe eventually I can be part of a movement to do something about it. For the moment, though... damn. Why?

Spending the entire summer at the theater is my idea of heaven. Even if heaven does involve an awful lot of push-ups. Yes people, acting is not all glamor, we the students do have to work out every morning. Not sure what the full company members do. :-)

My crush on S has not faded. I still can't get up the guts to say anything to her. (Well, anything that would amount to a direct admission that I'm crushing on her. I've probably given her a disproportionate amount of compliments though.) She's in the summer theater program as well... that's how we knew each other, from doing it together last year and people would always switch our names for some reason. (We don't look THAT much alike.) Maybe that is why I've been scared to say anything...? because if she were to freak, we'd see each other eight hours a day for the next six weeks still... that would be awkward.

Though, all the same, I was walking with her for a minute after class on Friday and I told her, “you're really pretty, you know that?” (Felt like my stomach rose about six inches before I said it.) Don't know what she thought of it... she just said thank you.

Been feeling like I need a friend to act as, well, a surrogate big sister I guess... so I'd have someone real to talk to. (No offense, cyber-citizens of Oasis. I know you're all real in your own worlds!)

Ah yes — if anybody wondered about my driving, I did get the learner's permit and have been practicing in empty parking lots with my dad... no crashes yet :-)

...that is the question.

I'm 18 and I don't have a driver's license although I've been old enough for one for two years. I don't even have a learner's permit (well, I did, but it expired). My mom asked me today to decide if I want to get a new permit at the beginning of the summer so I can practice. (The idea is for me to be able to get my license before I leave for college.) She says I don't have to learn to drive until I want to. The problem is that I'm not sure I do want to!

The way I've been looking at things is that eventually, I have to get the permit, if only because I can't think of a practical way to go through life without a driver's license. Public transport does not cover all facets of life... in my city the bus schedule's hours would be too limited.

The thing is though, I took driver's ed when I was 16 and hated it. The written parts were OK (I aced them), and my driving teacher was really cool, but I was a really, really bad driver. (As in, difficulty just controlling the darn car!) It was actually kind of scary, too, especially if I had to go fast. I guess it could be a little unfair to judge all of driving by one six-week course, but it did sort of kill whatever enthusiasm I had to begin with.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, but unless I decide not to go for a driver's license at all I think I'll have to get the permit this summer. Once I start college I'll have enough other things to worry about.

Thoughts?

I think I have a crush on my friend S from drama class. In the last month or two, well, I guess her smile started lighting everything up, and she always somehow looks pretty without doing anything special. SHE is special. I love her. The thing is... I really want to tell her... but even if I wasn’t scared, I guess I don’t know how to do that.

I almost kissed her today. I’ve been daydreaming about it for weeks, and I know I had the chance because we were alone backstage for like ten minutes. I didn’t. I kicked myself afterward, I felt like such a coward, but, I don’t know.

I did tell her I thought I was gay a couple weeks ago. I just blurted it out before I lost my nerve, really, but she was fine with it. But I know her, and I know the general attitudes of our circles of friends — I could kind of guess that it’d be OK to come out. (She’s one of only about half a dozen people who know, by the way.) Having feelings for her, it seems kind of different. Harder.

I don’t think she’d hate me for falling in love with her. I can’t know, I guess, but we’ve been friends for quite a while now and I don’t think she’s like that. Part of me is still scared of the possibility, though. More likely things could get really awkward. And maybe she’s straight. I guess I can’t know that either. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and I’ve never heard her talk about ‘cute’ or ‘hot’ guys the way some of my other friends do. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve seen much clue one way or the other.

Um... if anybody out there has suggestions that would be really helpful. I’m at a bit of a loss.

I don't think this really came out in all the right words... but I guess I will post it anyway...