i made alex want me today ....
i was just playing around though, i didnt mean anything sexually by it

i love him like a brother

i hugged him and just to tease him (i just wanted to see his reaction) i rubbed his back

V grabbed me frum behind and i thought it was J, she slapped my ass twice, i got turned on, cuz i thought it was J....

V is suppossedly having problems at home (child abuse, no really), so she's running away w/ J....

"you can go but dont take the one girl that holds my heart in her hands!"

i told V tht im not looking for a relationship right now, she said "then when is my one night stand gonna be?" i might just make out with her, to get rid of all that tension, hell i might even think about J while im doin it.

i sound cold and heartless, but the truth is that a person who is happy on the inside could be the most sad and depressed person that you know.

i think im a player, xD imagine quiet me a player hah!
in my dreams
im officially gonna join band, Alex (aka A) [bad me saying his name!]is gonna show me how to read music.

im gonna be apart of an affair with E (apparently she has a gf) i asked my friend and she said to "go with the flow" whatever happens happens.

"i cant stand here and watch the love of my life just walk away"

i cant do what i said you guys....
i cant
i cant
i cant
i cant
i dreamt about her on friday

No matter how hard i try i cant forget you
i cant say " im done, i dont want to want you"
but i cant make you want me either
i guess ill wait my turn
until i get you all i can hope for is that you dont stop talking to me
i can try to be there until you realize that im your true love
i hate feeling this way
i hate wanting you, but not able to have you
i just want to hold you and tell you ill never let go,
that ill always be there
i guess the truth is that
im falling for you

when you need me im not gonna be there
because im tired of being a rebound,
of being the person you come to after youve been dumped
the "pushover",
just because im "too" nice doesnt mean
that i'll be there when he rejects you
i dont want to be your shoulder to cry on
at least not anymore
because you did that to me,
led me on, pretended that you wanted me
just cause you thought he didnt want you
after i asked you out
after i had gotten my hopes up,
i thought you were the answer to
the loneliness that ive been feeling
my cure, the antidote
but no
if you want him, fine
just dont come crying to me when he breaks your heart
because i'll just turn my back to you
i'll ignore you in your time of need
i know i acted like i didnt care,
like you telling me this "bad" news didnt hurt me
well it did and you know what i dont feel hurt anymore
im glad ive stopped crushing on you
now i know how you really are

i got her!!!!!!!!!!!

i swear i havent felt as nervous as i did yesterday in months, not even when i asked E.

i thought i was having a panic attack afterwards cause some idiot told me(i gave her a note[what a kid, i know] ) she had said no.

but later i actually got to speak to her and she was all" i like you too!"

go me

i found out V digs me way more than i had originally thought.

creepy? yes but look at the bright side.... what bright side, oh yeah

im going out with J were going to the football game on friday

oh yeah V pants'd me yesterday in the middle of the track/ football field
it was pe so who can you blame for my shorts going down?

;,,,,,(

i have gotten rejected today, and before i admitted that i liked her, i thought about it, i thought about how i would deal with it if she said "sorry i like him more than i like you" in words that were alot nicer.
it started yesterday, i was hanging out with Alex, R and V (yea i know i said i was avoiding her but hey its fun to fuck with her mind) and (lets call her J) J. V and J are close friends, and they were talking in a small group. after pe R came up to me and asked me if i like J, by instinct i said "like a friend" i though J was straight and i didnt want to admit to her let alone anyone else that i liked her. today at pe (once again) V said "J likes him (she pointed at some guy jogging) and you"
me>"what! who me or Alex?" V>"you, she told me yesterday, do you like her?"
me>"......ummmm yea. but i dont know if i want you to tell her."
V>"why?" me>"cause i dont want to get rejected"
V>" idont think she'll reject you..."
me>" ok"

and then in the locker room
V> "she's over there"
me>"ok......"

5 minutes later

V>" Goggles! (my friends call me goggles for some reason)"
me>"what?" V>" i need to talk to you."
me>" yea sure whats up?" V>"J said that she's gonna ask that guy out"

and then its total shock and hurt

me>"that sucks (i tried to keep my tone of voice calm)"
V>"are you ok?" me>" yea."

then i walk towards the locker room exit with A and explain my hurt

V>" bye goggles (when i walked past her locker i heard J say "youre fucked up, whyd you..")" me>"laters"
i walk towards the exit with A and then V calls me and says " give J a hug goodbye" she stood up with a "im really sorry" look on her face

me>" sorry but i gotta go" if you had saw me you could tell i was crushed,
A said i looked even more emo than usual.

and now i regret not going back to hug J. a little voice said " go back, turn around and go hug her"
but i didnt and now i feel like crap,

i know i know theres alot more fish in the sea

and i cant stop thinking about her, that scene just playing back over and over again in my head

by the way J is in the 10th grade, in my math class and she dicthes 5th per to go to pe with us, she hasnt got caught yet....

"

ok you guys remember that creepy girl from school right?
well we were wrestling and she 1st pushed my face into her chest, and 2nd she grabbed my friggin bra and then some... i got my ass kicked at the same friggin time

and then she punched my temple owwww!!

ive got two scratches on my hand and i was humiliated!

i really am gonna avoid her now

but then wrestling is a contact sport and i was willing

and i was kinda messing with her ( she grabbed a cup from in between her friends legs and i said " thats the farthests youll ever get with a girl!"
which is really cold)

"its not called rape if you enjoyed it"
i didnt enjoy it so yea
buts its not rape either

my mind is spinning

on friday in the locker room i was doing the sexy banana pose and this girl came up and slapped me on the ass.... no im not into her but jeez

i know my title is really self centered but hey i couldnt help it xD

oh i saw a full moon... this HOT girl mooned two cars and i saw and i got all sweaty.....
perv!

i got my friend to help me with the GSA, shes like uber organized and stuff

i wanna see that movie "Tru Loved" and i dk why

i love high school already

laterskies ill try to come at lunch tomarry

"make love, not war...."- i dk who said that

omg im gonna start a GSA at school, i already got the packet now i just need a sponser and 20 people (which wont be hard b/c i now alot ppl)

i need some advice quick!!!

i wore my suit today and i was like a pimp
lol
i hugged about 25 girls and about 4 guys

i hugged E for the last time
i hugged hot girls
and the guys were dared by their friends
i was really gross "my banana's always happy!"

lol

good times good times

i leave you with peace, love, and laughter
laters!!!

alex is lonely....
must find alex a bf :)

im going to school in my bannana suit tomorrow yay me!

lol at lunch alex puts his backpack in our locker and today it didnt fit so i was all " here let me do it" and i re organized the locker and it fit and he was all like " you remind me of my mom" and i said " hey, its an instinct"

i havent been hanging out with my normal friends anymore, cuz "she" hangs out there too, im sticking with my gay buddy, who knows i might join band.

im actually talking to more ppl now...

oh E moved away...... but i got her number *jumps up and down*
lol well laterskis

"i fly like paper get high like planes..." you know where thats from and who sings it right????

hey all!
have you ever dated some one who didnt look creepy but then hours/ days later you realize they're SUPER creepy, like obsessive?????

well thats what i got myself into yester day, my new "girlfriend" ( apparently i agreed to go out with her and i didnt even know) tried to kiss me minutes after i suppossedly agreed, then about 1 1/2 later she said "I love you" . lets get this straight ppl NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER say i love you when you havent even been going out for a day plz plz dont thats how you screw up a relationship. obviously not experienced with dating.... i feel like an asshole cause i avoided her ALL day even if i do have two periods with her, i flirted with girls infront of her.... i NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

"please learn from my mistakes, plz learn from my mistakes...." lets dance to joy division- The W ombats

ps i found out that most of my friends are crushing on me.... thats creepy too (im not attracted to them) :(((((((

but me and alex are realllly good friends now YAY!!!! were sharing lockers and its all gay and stuff

i finally got the balls to aske E out, it happend right b4 i left for 2nd per. at her locker.
she wanted to hang out on mon. omg i love a sudden burst of courage!
i had a good day today, *sighs* fridays are awsome
i cheated on my geography test :S, i didnt get caught but at first i felt a little guilty. but i need the grade so yea. oh alex told me that he also likes this guy in his 1,5,and 6 per classes. his name's ricky. and hes a skater, which i didnt think alex would like that kind of guy considering alex dresses like a cholo a bit. he says he used to be in a gang, (i know :} ) he doesnt look like it tho.

i dont think im going back to Tahquitz. my mom says that no matter where we go my "problem" is gonna get worse.

but i like it here ive gotten used to it....
well im outy

" lets dance to joy division,and celebrate the irony everything is going wrong, but we're so happy" Joy Division - The Wombats

thanks for the support every one, i do feel a little better
i feel like school is the only place where i can be myself, my true self.
and when its time to go home i feel sad and wish i could stay with my friends just a little bit longer, i could if i joined something thats after school, but i dont want to at the same time.

remember how i said i wouldnt get high on white out? well i didnt... i used something else, buit it just gave me a strong buzz, but while buzzed i realized something that wierded me out alot....

D is going out with A and i just realized that about an hour ago, i couldnt help but go up to A and ask her what her gf's last name was, ohhh the truth hurts :) i feel really crappy right now like my head hurts and im really tired.

my first movie that i made ( using pictures) is due tomorrow, i just need to put it on quicktime and then ill be done, then i have to start on the 2nd one which will actually move... i like multimedia. maybe ill grow up to be like a director or something, make shortfilms and stuff.
well im gonna go home now wish me luck

"this is who i am, deal with it..."

well i forgot to tell about how my mom took my rainbow flag out from my binder. well last night she sat me down and she asked me if i was still talking to A (the girl i met and started to fall for, [i stopped trying to talk to her months ago, it wasnt worth it anymore] ), then she asked me howcome i had to announce that i was gay, why couldnt i keep it a secret. at least until i was old enough to stick up for my self if any1 tried to pull any crap on me. she told me that we moved away from LA and the LBC to get me away from my gayness ( to try and make me straight). but now that were here she says it only got worse.

i cried myself to sleep, because i cant stand my mom and stepdad not accepting me for who i am. i told my self that i wished i was straight b/c then maybe theyd like me ...... i ll finsh this later ;,,,(

ok so the day b4 yesterday i came out to two more ppl this one girl ( shes not important) and my guy freind alex. when i told alex he looked crushed and he asked me if id been w/ a girl, have kissed a girl and how far it went. after i answered him he looked even more hurt.
the next day he wrote my a note saying he likes me, and he was crushed when i told him i was gay. it also said that he was gay too, but i was first girl he liked, so i told him that doesnt make him gay that makes him bi (right?) but he said no he's gay, and he had felt suicidal because he was gay. and i told him i did too when i realized it but i found other ppl like me and it made me feel not alone.

anyways i feel bad b/c i think he still likes me and i dont know if i should give him a chance. but then im afraid that when he tries to kiss me ill be all like "ewwwww" and hurt his feelings. or make him feel like i used him just to see if i really didnt like guys ( science project) i hate it!

and then while i was thinking about this yesterday i saw a sign that said something i forgot. i think it said " you never know if you dont like somehting if you dont give it a chance" but.....

then this morning he gave me two pieces of paper with tagging on it that said "soy hoto" which means "im a fag" in spanish or " im gay" or something like that and i thought it cute, so i put it on my binder where my A7X logo is supposed to be at. i asked him to fix it so it would read " soy hota" which is like the chick version.

*sighs* you can take the girl out of LA, but you cant LA out of the girl. tagging on your binder is way popular over there with like the hispanics or latinos

i miss LA

i wonder what the hell im gonna do with my problem...

oh i had a dream last night, i was sitting in the backseat of a car, next to a girl and then the next thing i know were making out, then she tells me to go down and i ask her "right now?" because there was a bunch of other ppl in the car too, and when i look up at her it looks as if shes about 7 years younger than me, the last time i looked at her she was like 15 or 16. and that is fucking weird . then i woke up and i called my self a pedofile.