Ok first two weeks of school have been great, im tired and hurting because well the two weightlifting classes i have are killing me......uhg....

thats pretty much it other than ive been talking to my girl everynight :D

well before i was hoping my grandfather would live well he didnt he died not even two months ago then about 2 weeks ago my Nana passed away so yea ive lost two grandparents in less than 2 months, Kryss and me also broke up we did a while ago Claire no long speaks to me and well me and my EX Jessica the one i was with for almost 5 years are back together. I love her, and im notgoing to deny that i didnt love the others but Jessica has been my heart and sould since i was 12, yea i know crazy to say i was in lvoe at 12 years old but its true. I'm now a firm beleiver in the saying "If you love something let it go, if it comes abck then it was meant to be." she came abck to me so we must be meant for eachother or im just a complete dumb ass who cant keep his heart straight. Either way im just glad ive got her back in my life.

My classes are going amazing i have
1.American Government
2.Weight Lifting
3.Reading
4.Keyboarding
5.English
6.Weighlifting
7.basketball
8.Court Procedures
9.Biology
and finally 10.another english that i have to make up xD.

yea alot of calsses and NO they are not all in the same day only the first 6 are the rest are my other classes i am taking throught the school year. Yea i ave got one hell of a year ahead of me not to mention ive still got to pass the reading portion of the FCAT AND get the required 2.0GPA for all my classes from all years which means seeing as i only have a 1.7GPA right now i need to get straight A's in ALL my classes if i want to graduate ontime with the rest of my class, getting my GED is NOT an option i refuse to be a failure.

on another more happier subject im going to be starting my therapy in december for transitioning! :D!!! yeah i found a therapist right over near me and she has worked with GID before so im happy maybe she is cheap too :D i can hope right??? lol yea i need to get a job first ive applied at sears and a few other places thats about it lol xD. ok thats it for my update i'll be abck with more soon im sure xD

~Kristopher

Heh well its my senior year(again) and well im more than likely going to do a Documentary on a Female to Males transexuals transition from comming out to SRS(Sex Reasignment Surgery). right now im going to trya dn get it comfined by my English teacher as a sutible topic, im ging to use the good old "Im trying to educate the world" excuse to get it approved. The project has to be of something that we find interesting and that is relevant to our own lives. So what im going to do is make a movie :D interviewing FtM's maybe some MtF's in my area and of course some Les/bi/gays to get a glimps into how the gay community feels torwards the transgender community, show how life is for us. but yea thats what im going to do ive also got to write a 10 page paper on it aswell xD FUN!!! not....... -___- lol

So yea tell me what you think of my idea.

~Kristopher

Well about ready to hurt my EX, i dont like hurting women but all she is doing is telling Kryss lies about me and putting words in my mouth and the funny part about it is she is doing it WHILE i am on the phone with Kryss. Yea, the other night i was on the phone with Kryss waiting for Claire to call because she said that if i still want her around and still want her to be my friend i would pick up her call and talk to her well about 20 minutes into talking with Kryss she called and i told Kryss to call me back when i message her, i answered the phone she said my name and hung up, i messaged Kryss an told her Claire had hung up on me, so me and Kryss talked for about 5 minutes and Claire called again, i answered and she did it again, then just before Kryss called back i got a txt message from her saying "Im sorry i ever bothered you." i was getting a bit pissed so when Kryss called back she told me Claire had signed on and she was talking to her, i said "Ok, ask her why she keeps hanging up on me." Kryss didnt because appartently Claire was telling Kryss that "Oh well i will just wait for him to call me and realise im a human being." and kept trying to make me out to be the bad person. She was trying to play me and Kryss against eachother, apparently if she cant have me no one can. She keeps trying to put words and actions in my mouth too!!! She kept telling Kryss how all i cared about was sex and i told Kryss before we had even gotten into a relationship that i DIDNT want any kind of sexual contact because it didnt feel right due to me being in th wrong body, she understood and then with Claire trying to say all that it just made us realize what she was doing, so Kryss played along and started saying, things like "I was so scared to get into a relationship with him before, now i just realise i should be." it was a bit funny, Claire still doesnt know that i was on the phone with Kryss that whole time, and then Claire proceded to call me AGAIN and try and play mind games with me by saying "Why wont you talk to me?" She keeps making me feel like an asshole and i have GOT to stop that, Kryss told me i was a wonderful person and that i needed to ignore everything Claire is saying. *Sighs* and now Kryss is pulling away from me too.....her ex, he did some pretty bad shit to her and scared her of ever getting into a relationship with some one else, well he contacted her last night and tried to ask her out again, she didnt know what to do she wanted to say no but was so scared to, i dont know what she told him we got off the phone at about 2AM i was falling asleep while talking to her, i wanted to stay on the phone with her to make sure she was going to be ok, she was so close to tears when we hung up...and i almost blew everything by telling her i was in love with her, she fears love more than anything....i dont know what to do i want her in my life so bad...

Ok well my day WAS going amazing...i woke up in a GREAT mood because of last night with kryss but today has just shit it all... no one wants to work with me in any of my classes in such a bloody outcast in this one horse town....i have maybe two people who associate with me...the rest just tollerate me...i want to go back to florida...im miserable.

heeheehee im floating on cloud nine right now last night while i was talking to Kryss i asked her if she hated me for what i did she told me "Hell no, i love you too much." then started stuttering and blushing telling me i didnt read that, made me feel good told me she still wants me around and still wants a relationship with me and well i love her but im not about ready to screw this up by telling her "I LOVE YOU!!!" she really is a great person and the awsome part is she is Bigender. AND AND AND AND well at like 3AM while we were on the phone she was falling asleep talking to me so i said to her "Why dont ou go to bed, you need some sleep." she ased me to stay on the phone with her till she fell asleep, so i talked(more like whispered) into the phone to her until she fell asleep, she makes such cute little noises while sleeping and then i fell asleep while listening to her, i woke up with a grin on my face and well kinda hoping she was stil on the other line but it had hung up, her dad must have came and hung up the phone for her or she woke up later in the night and did it. i really love this girl she makes me feel so good. She told me yesterday she wants nothing more than to be in a relationship with me and only me *Hearts for eyes* i really do love this girl, and what she said ten denied saying just made me happier.

*is deeply in love*

Ive fucked up once again.....Well just before asking Kryss out i well....i took my Ex back (The one who had crushed me really bad, Claire) and well i asked Kryss out two nights ago and she had said yes well the next day i broke up with Claire because well i dont love her like that i love her like i would a little sister, Claire went of the deep end and contacted Kryss but not before i told Kryss what was going on and she understood that i fucked up and well Claire thinks i dumped her for Kryss and i didnt ive been trying to tell her that, so Kryss broke up with me because she doesnt want Claire hurt and i could careless(yes i know im being an asshole) so yea, im just going to dissapear off the face of the earth no not kill myself but im ust going to leave, that way i never hurt anyone ever again.

I asked Kryss out!!!!!! SHE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Is floating on cloud 9*

Ok im pretty much screwed...im failing out of school and my life is falling apart right before my eyes, i CAN NOT drop out as i planned because Kryss will hunt my ass down and kick it to australia and my father will more than likely have me sitting in a little box 6 feet under the surface of the earth, or knowing him he will probably have me cremated and placed in a glass case that says "FAILURE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!" Hes comming to South Dakota in May for my "supposed" graduation, ive GOT to tell him now that im not graduating that way he is as far away as possible so i dont end up dead at the end of this. Im pretty sure the only good things in my life right now are Kryss and the fact that my grandfather might lvie afterall which means I can now move back in with my grandmother and not have to move back to South Dakota when we go and visit Florida in two months, well whether my mother aproves of it or not I WILL BE GOING BACK!!! Kryss is expecting to see me and all my friends miss me ALOT, hell i miss them ALOT and i dont know what i was thinking when i moved up here in the first place...wait...oh yea i was getting away from the Drug addicted, abusive alchoholic asshole known as my father THATS what i was thinking maybe i shouldnt have thought.... maybe i should have ust put up with his shit till i was 18 that way i wouldnt be as miserable as i am now... i mean yea he was the biggest asshole in the world but hell hes still MY DAD i still love him and all i just wish he wasnt the way he is but hey there is nothing i can do about that, hes on some meds now and is alot calmer than he used to be he doesnt yell at me when we talk or anything like that and when i was FORCED to go and spend Thanksgiving with him he was actually a nice guy, accept on the last day...he wouldnt take his meds that day and basically reverted back to his old self until it was time for me to catch my bus and go back to South Dakota, i kept thinking he was goignt o knock me unconcious and make me stay with him i was scared shitless it was NOT cool, but my Papa(grandfather) kept him in line and my Nana(grandmother) did too, i KNOW for a fact that they wont put up with his shit, Papa might be old but will kick my dads ass should he need to. *Sighs*

Things with Kryss are progressing very well, last night we actually had a conversation about "What we were." well not really a convo it was more along the lines of me asking and her going "Im not sure, im scared to be more than friends even though i WANT to be more than friends." Shes an amazing person (I cant really use woman or girl because she refers to herself as gender neutral.) Shes been through some tough shit too, her step-dad is like my dad so we both know what its like accept...shes had some stuff done to her that i wont mention because i wouldnt want to betray her trust, the LAST thing i want to do is lose her by saying something stupid. She really means alot to me and i dont know what i would do if i lost her, yea we arent dating yet but still she is still amazing and basically has my heart. Last night we were up till like 2AM just talking on the computer (seeing as my cell phone has no money on it and i couldnt talk to her there...) Meeting her is going to be the best thing to happen....i hope, im scared to see her but i guess its normal to be nervous when meeting your crush and talking to them in person.

Well i best get going before my teacher reads what im writting and runs to my mother -_-.......

Ok so what do you do when your still in love with your ex, who not only crushed your heart but your pride, but are also deeply in love with some one else??? I was taking to Claire (My ex) last night and i dont know what to do because i told her i still loved her, i cant deal with being with her again. she crushed me and i wont let her do it again, yea i love her but GOD i wont let her do this to me a second time and plus, she has a new man in her life she doesnt need me anymore. And Kryss (New girl i love) omg this girl is amazing, last night i yawned and she was all "Aww, tired baby?" it made my heart soar she calls me babe all the time and i love it but we arent dating YET and last night i got a text message from her before she called saying "Well i'll be giving YOU a long kiss on spring break ^^ Eventually..." she makes my stomach flutter and go im in love with her, but i also love Claire... FUCK!!! *Slams head into the wall repeatedly.* Ive GOT to stop thinking about Claire, i have Kryss now i DO NOT need Claire.

Ok so there is this girl i like...ok not like LOVE im in love with her. we met at a drill meet two years ago and lost contact but found eachother online a couple weeks ago. We have started talking again and gotten realy close, i mean really close, but the thing that sucks is she is back in Florida and im in South Dakota till school gets out in 2 months, we were supposed to meet up when i was in FL last week but my mother was being a bitch and wouldnt let me go anywere... -_- ..... i really like her and she has told me she really likes me but we both have trust issues, we've been hurt ALOT be family and partner's and we are both scared to get into another relationship. we have both agreed that until we meet we are not going to date because we dont want to get so ahead of ourselves that when we meet it will all fall through and not work out. but GODDESS i love this girl she is amazing she sees me for who i really am and not what im not (in my case what im lacking in dah *points between crotch* yea) heh heh heh shes amazing and im in love with her as i have said lol but yea *Hearts in eyes* i love this girl and i cant wait to be dating her, we both have said that it feels like we are dating already and she calls me Babe and all that GOD I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!

Ano oka no mukou ishidatami no michi ni ukabu hidamari to anata no suki na piano no oto
Arifureta hibi no dekigoto ga itsumademo kono oto ni yadoru
Kasa ga naku hi mo tsukimichiru hi mo futari deatta hi no koto mo

Ikiteiru koto nagareteiru chi wo kodou wo kikasetekure

I wish...heaven aitakute
Itsumademo aifureta hibi wo ayumu toki no yukue kono mama de isasete

Hitori de mukatta tsuki akari no michi de omoi kaesu no wa anata to kiita piano no oto
Dare no koe mo iranai ima mo ano oto go kikoetekuru kana
Kioku wo koete anata ga mieru futari deatta hi no you ni

Ikiteiru koto nagareteiru chi wo kodou wo kikasetekure

I wish...heaven aitakute
Amari ni mo tsumetakute shizuka sugite toki no tobira aku koto wa nai anata no hitomi mo

Eien no seijaku na no ka? nozomi wa kanaerareru no ka?
"sayounara no kotoba wa iwanai." ima sugu anata ni aenai keredo...

I wish...heaven kono sekai wo anata wa mada shiranakute ii konakute ii
I wish...heaven toki ga kureba itsu demo aeru kara

I wish...heaven ai ni kite futatabi inochi wo yadoshita kara

I wish...heaven
I will look at
"flower"
Ano hi made...

I stood alone on a playground buzzing with children, the crowd formed around me. I didn’t know why I was singled out, something was wrong. I wasn’t like the other girls, but I became what they expected me to be, I had to choice. Nature “helped” things along. Nature is cruel like that. I remember sobbing uncontrollably when my breasts began to bud. Puberty was an unstoppable train; a hostile take over.
I felt the skin-melting stares of the crowd because I didn’t dress “girlish” enough. I endured de-humanizing remarks, “…at least I think It’s a girl.” Years later I assimilated to ease my sense of isolation.
The crowd silenced.
I was finally acceptable to them as long as I was keeping up appearances.
My only way to prove I was “normal” and to feel even halfway HUMAN was to emphasize my bodies potential for the sexual gratification of others.
And oh how convenient it was that no body had to question their motives or their sexual orientation. Not even me…All was “well” for several years. I was only beginning to see the awkward path that was still ahead of me, when I hit 16 the cynical torment of blood and pain became too much to bare. So trapped and unhappy, I knew something was wrong but not many understood what it was. The pain of monthly cycles and cystic breasts would takeaway the happy days of my youth I was to be enjoying. I hate the way my body seems to mock me. I could almost hear my hormones whispering:
Feel this pain
This is real
Your flesh is female and real
Your spirit is merely a foreign invader
But we will not set him free
We will wear him away slowly
Until he disappears.
I answered by binding my breasts and beating my cramping gut with my fists.
But I had hope…
My plan was set in motion. It was a rescue mission of epic proportions.
My Spirit Vs. My Body.
The goal was to create a new design for this body that I reside in, and finally claim a state of self-contentment. Of course, most people didn’t like this idea. A new crowd quickly formed. They told me something was wrong, they said what I was doing was unhealthy and illogical, they told me my goal was impossible to achieve and dangerous. Someone else’s alarm had rudely awakened me from my dream. The door to a new life had been slammed shut due to fear of the unknown. Soon after, a path of self-destruction, debauchery, hopelessness, and self-loathing ensued. Months later this battle scared veteran is back!!! I am stronger, wiser, and without inhibition. I’m crying mutiny on this ship, you may not like what I have to say, and you may not agree with me or even understand, but you will be compelled to listen.
Now a crowed has gathered once again. They said my hair was too long, they said I needed to be on T, they said my chest needed to be bound up or cut up in order to be considered what I really was. They told me I didn’t act “masculine” enough. Say what you will but you cant take MY TRUTH away. I have never felt more real or more certain about anything in my life. If the binary works for [b]YOU[/b], by all means work it!!!But dont DAMN me fow walking a different path.I beleive black and white is for news papers NOT for people.We are all different shades of the rainbow.We are bodies, minds, souls, NOT Caricatures. Its funny how they used to say I was “not enough of a girl.” and then they began to say I was “not enough of a boy.” They all cling to the illusion of the binary; the only thing they have ever known. Their “truths” only serve to keep us in bondage. I intend to contradic their absolutes everyday that i breath. They cannot and will not abort my vision for myself and for humanity. I used to ask myself "Will they ever be happy with who i am?" Now i ask the question that on all of our minds "Will they ever be happy with what THEY are and let the rest of us live in peace?"
Mother, May I?
Father, Should I?
Partner, Could I?
Friend, Shall I?
Doctor, Must I?
Stranger, Cant I...
Just be ME?
I see glimpses of the man I'd like to be. Am i part of a dying breed? Part of a new breed? I guess I'll have to make it up as i go along. Ive wasted my energy far too long seeking their aproval when my own truth was all I really ever needed.

The ultimate power lies within each one of us. We are the stewards of our own destinies.