now that i have your attention i have to go to bed now BUT CATHERINE DID YOU EVER GET MY EMAIL I THINK I HAVE SENT HMM LET THREE OR FOUR PMs since the beginning on july on here what happened did you fall off the face of the Earth

It is so very strange I sit here on my lunch break contemplating the restless night I had. The sleep was not a sweet gentle slumber but resembled that of a dog chasing rabbits in their dreams I am sure. And yet my dreams were magnificent beauty sweet and gentle and I was sad to awake to the harsh 7 am sun streaming through my window, on a weekend this would have been welcomed even at such an early hour because lying awake watching the sun rise is a treat when you have no other commitments for the rest of the day short of going back to sleep. But today, today my friends the summer sun was my alarm clock I had to leave the wondrous dream I was in the midst of having to get up and ready for work. I sit at my desk waiting for my co-worker to return so we can continue our joint project.
This journal is now being typed from home after a busy work day is complete. On to the dream; it was beautiful when I dream I am always walking never in my chair—that in itself is freedom but last night, was different. Last night I was in my chair waiting at the alter for my beautiful bride. Then the reception and first dance which I will admit scares me. I want desperately to dance to hold her close and forget about the physical challenges of my everyday norm I am babbling now but I can’t picture the day because of two things One I am single and two the chair!!! The god damn chair :(

Okay so it's been awhile since i have written here; and i sense it will be long. I ah I don't know how to say this. I have used R. as a crutch not believing someone will fall for me because of the chair blah blah blah obviously stupid I know. Let that prelude the rest of this post.
I had been missing R. merely because I am using the idea of herto fill some void until i find a real girl. I wanted to talk to my best friend J over skype about how i have been feelin' gulity for missing R being that its two years since i saw her and all that emotional shit and how i feel it was a crutch blah blah blah well i am a private person and feel rather quite stupid that i haven't on some level gotten past this. So as I said J and I sit down to have a heart to heart and my mom walks in and sits down on the couch to read (cant exactly ask her to leave being that my laptop is in the living room) I wish it was in my bedroom but the desktop is and i never use it now that i have my laptop but they refuse to move it statiing we would never see you as you wouldnt leave your room or some bull shit I want my own space because J gets frusterated when we are on skype and i type instead of talk but i dont wanna talk about how i am feeling if my rents are in ear shot and giving that my house is open concept and the desktop is in my bedroom i dont really feel like i have a place to call my own cuz someone (one of my parents is always in my room) what would you do in this situation! advice please!

tis my bday i ma 22 holy crap i feel OLD

I am angry with myself for being such a bitch with regard to walking; that is pretty much the only battle between mom and I, and well the fact that I am just generally lazy about things.
Enough about me, last night I was talking to Vanessa and she had some news for me. V. as I have always called her, Vanessa never felt like it fit her so I shortened it came out to me again for the second time as a F2M trans person! I wasn’t shocked she had been the type of woman that I thought was struggling to grasp who she was. The first time we met she went on a very loud rampage (in the cafeteria at school) about how her male friends were having a “guy’s night” and how they had basically excluded her because well she wasn’t a guy. She was visibly upset and I realize now that this was a cry for help but in the moment I was embarrassed; and I am not one to get embarrassed easily but it was turning heads.
V. has always supported me he came to the public outing at my church and held me as mom spoke about Rosie, about being the parent of a lesbian child and about how even though I had come out she as a parent had gone into her own closet.
I can’t say that V. considers me a close friend because I found out two months after his close friends. He hasn’t done anything with regards to his transition but wants too. I am starting to refer to V. in male pronouns out of respect for his authentic self.
I know that V. knows he has support from me. I also know I have my own journey to come to terms with this! I realize now that I was attracted to Vanessa. She was/is a beautiful woman. But in truth I just want her to be happy and if she’s happy as Vince more power to her!
V. buddy I love you, you are probably one of the most courageous people I have ever met and it’s time to allow yourself to be TRULY happy!

this is an email i wrote to a friend and would like some insight into it! PS not my theory about bisexual woman so dont chew my head off for it - its the theory of the friend i am emailing

I have done a lot of journaling and soul-searching as of lately. Hours after I left your place last time, I let Megan go. We mutually agreed that things had become incredibly awkward between us. We spoke the next day, she wants to remain friends, assuming her boyfriend does not find out. She has one of my favourite books, I loaned her. And, I want it back. She knows what it means to me. So, to help her I asked my best friend (who she still works with) to get the book from her stating that she would see her before I would. (Innez knows no details to my knowledge). She phoned me yesterday, to say that Megan is insisting on bringing the book over herself.
I for one, don't know how I feel about that. Megan e-mailed me last night, and things between her and I seen as normal as ever. Yet, I remain feeling guilty! I'm not sure if this is conscious, but I need to get this out there anyway. I know mom has asked me since letting go of Megan if there was an attraction. At the time, I didn't think there was. I would still like to think there wasn't but why then if that's the case am I feeling disheartened, ashamed, guilty, and alone? Wow, I've seemed to hit a nerve with that last sentence. I don't feel like I was in any way out of line through any of the situation, and yet I'm still the one that's beating myself up about it. Megan is one intuitive woman. I wrote something to the effect of I hope there's no hard feelings for my asking you to move on (mutually agreed-upon course so really it wasn't me asking to move on but anyway) she wrote back something to the effect of why would I be mad about that? I've let it go, what happened happened and there's no need for you to beat yourself up about it! Those few lines from her made me cry. Dictating them now, I find myself tearing up again. I feel so ridiculous, to have such an strong emotion given that I only knew her for a week. I don't understand still even after journaling my emotion? It took me out. That much I know, I would like to remain her friend she's a wonderful woman but not if I'm going to be the ping-pong ball between her and her boyfriend. She needs to sort out her own shit. Intuitively, I know there is an attraction between us. I can't label it as they don't have a word to reference it to, but I'm not about to overstep the line of her relationship. I get intuitively I know that's what she wanted me I know she wants me to save her as you said. I also know that I'm in no position to do that. They've been together for almost 5 years, if they split she moves back to Guelph, and she doesn't drive. So therefore, I think there's also an expectation subconsciously again that I would find her place. Regardless this is only speculation. One thing I know for sure is, she's unhappy in her current situation. She didn't have to verbally say it for me to know and recognize the sadness behind her eyes when she spoke of him. I thought more and more, about your theory that there's no such thing as a bisexual woman, and Megan is a prime example of that. Like Rosie, I sense that Megan is envious of the fact that I'm out as a lesbian woman. But it seems like all these women for me to do is save them. I can't! They want me to be a hero, they want me to be strong! Is it that all I've ever been? I don't really understand. I hate the loneliness I'm feeling. I hate that I feel like nobody understands. Isolation is something that I'm used to so why is this any different? My need to nurture it's incredibly strong I don't know what to do with that. It's not that I don't know how to nurture, it's that right now I feel like I have nothing to nurture, no one, whether that be of a human variety or animal I'm just feeling a loss. That was one thing that Rosie allowed me to do. She allowed me to care for her, even if that wasn't returned always. That's been missing since I've come out and I feel lost.
What are your thoughts?
ps sorry for how long this is and if some words dont fit sorry again used dragon to type this so i hope you can decode it LOL

Monday, May 12, 2008 1:54:32 PM
I tell the world I don’t care, when I really do. I tell the world I don’t mind being alone, when really all I want is to be held. I am so used to the isolating side of my life that I am like a dry sponge when it comes to other young lesbian women.
Is a simple hug to much to ask? Is it wrong for me to want to be held? Why do I feel like something is lacking? Why am I no longer okay within myself? I hold my head high but I crack when I am alone and can let go—like right now.
The nurturing side of my being is so strong right now that I either need a child or a dog to care for. One thing I know is I need my own space and for some reason I suddenly feel like I don’t have my own space.

what do you think?

hey all
its been a crazy week! I have a new attendant! :) shes awesome! she walked in and i KNEW instantly she too is a dyke! well, more acturately shes bisexual! She dated a friend of mine (female) and is currently dating a guy that found out i was a dyke and freaked thinking that we would end up sleeping together which is soooo not the case LOL he sooo doesn't understand bisexuality anyway he freaked on her and i didnt know if she would be back but things between her and i are fine. they are working through some of their own issues. she is the biggest flirt I have ever met omg I will never look at gummie bears the same way :) shhe cornered me on MSN and asked me out right if i was attracted to her which i cant deny but that doesnt mean anything!!!!!!!!! but thats when the boyfriend walked into the room and saw the screen LOL so ya! I am a good girl wont make a move sooo things are all good! I am seeing her a week thurs when i think she and i need to seriously sit down and discuss this BS bc that's all this is BS

I don't usually read my horoscope but was drawn to it today. this is what it says "By the end of the day you'll realize that it's the ups and downs that make life enjoyable sometimes. Try not to expect more from others today than they can actually deliver. Keeping your expectations too high will only lead to disappointment. A new lover may finally admit a deep secret to you today." Today I am meeting a new attendant shes only 3 days younger then i so it should be cool
im not sure the meaning of my horoscope- open to interperation it should also be noted that i am dreaming a lot about my ex and i dont know why we havent spoken in two years

5 years ago my sisters friend and actor Jessie neilsson of the tv series ready or not (justin), the movie skulls, and the TV series adventures inc died he was only 26 (could have age wrong) but our mnisters nephew was also friends with Jesse and dating my sister. My sisters boyfriend's aunt (our family minister at the time) called to get my sisters cell number
the next day my uncle died he was a drinker and drank upwards of 80 oz of vodka a day. it finally caught up with him and on april 27 2003 just 2 week shy of his 47 birthday uncle dave died in hospital at 10 am i remember answering the phone at 12:30 and a nurse from the hospital looking for my dad (my uncles next of kin) and my dad left the room to talk to the doctor so i didnt hear what was said but before he came back i knew what had happened- call it intution

Hello all,
I am excited, I just received the best gift in the mail today. I've been a long-time user of voice recognition software and have had a dinosaur of a version up until today. The college I attend is up to par with the continuous advancements of adaptive technology. So, I've used the newest version Dragon NaturallySpeaking 9 for sometime now at school. I am in office administrative student, and one of the requirements in order to graduate is to be able to obtain 55 words a minute without looking at your hands when you type. If you however, are registered with disability services (as I am) it is written into the college policy that I can use Dragon to attain that required speed. I must report, I've gone from manually typing 15-25 words a minute, to now with the use of Dragon and my voice typing 80 words a minute after errors. Studies have shown that Dragon NaturallySpeaking, 3 times faster than a manual typist. I think I am proof of that! I started this journal entry about three minutes ago. And I could babble on and on forever, Dragon NaturallySpeaking often times makes me forget that people have to actually read what I say! :-) Or at least that is my intent when I type these journal entries. Being able to talk, instead of type makes me way more long-winded than usual so, you have my permission to tell me to shut up!!!

Write back all!
Wheels148

okay so this past week was pretty kick ass I order some new software and got an acadmic award and an attendant quit (jeff not C. don't panic lol)
then today my best friend JB., her her husband's facebook status reads counting down the days til Korea appearently they are moving to Korea in July and I am sooo worried that I will never see her again as it is its been 9 years since i have seen her during which time shes married and had a kid! she says she will be at my wedding- but I dont know if that will ever happen and the reason i havent seen her in nine years is she lives on the other side of the country
in other sad news my friend J is 16 and he and i went to high school for a year or two before moving back home to Newfoundland he was in an ATV accident in June 2007 and has been a variety of hospitals since the current one since oct I was talking to him tonight and learned that the had a wound in the leg that he had his syndrome in and it didnt heal and cause the leg to die so they had to ampuate

<3

Hello, below is the first few chapters of a fictional novel I am writing; I am posting it here as it is intended as a Young Adult novel I would love any feedback for which you all can offer.

comment freely as all feedback will improve my writing!
thank you!!
wheels148 :)

Prologue
 
Rain gently fell; the drops seemed to bounce reminding me of a rhyme I had heard during childhood: about the proper technique for brushing your teeth. “Up and down like the rain, back and forth like a choo-choo train.” I remember thinking at the time “how does rain go up?”
 
I smiled inwardly at the memory, as I rushed across the campus to Keller Hall. Keller Hall (named for the famous deaf-blind woman Helen Keller) is one of the student residence’s at Champlain University. This school really helped to put our small town of Bridgestone Ontario on the map.
 
Is the rain running down my face or am I crying because I've completed my first year of college? Me and the two girls I have befriended are all going on different academic journeys come the fall. Not to mention, the four months of separation between now and then. What will we do being apart? I thought, entering the large stone building.
 
Exiting the elevator on the fourth floor I walked slowly, trying to savour this moment and at the same time trying to remain calm. So much had happened this year. Grace getting pregnant, and her private wedding over the summer makes me worry that she won't be able to complete her program, and that I'll never see her again. Reaching the door of their dormitory I knock. No answer. "Shit!" I curse, as I slip two pieces of paper under the door containing my contact information. Glancing at my watch I realize I have no time to wait around to say good-bye. Dad will be here in a matter of minutes to pick me up.
 
Chapter One: The new stable hand.
After about a 45 minute drive from the college dad and I turned off the main highway. We were almost there; almost at the farm. My parents had taken over Meadow Springs Farm from my grandmother after my grandpa had died. This of course happened before I was born. Turning onto our laneway it was evident that getting the truck to the farmhouse was going to be a challenge- the gravel laneway had turned into a muddy lake.
“Do you have your cell phone handy?” dad asks.
“Yeah,” I said, pulling it from my bag and handing it to him.
“Mae is JC still in at lunch?” dad asks mom
“…Can you come with the tractor in case we need to haul the truck out of the muddy lake…the laneway?” dad says, hanging up he tosses me my phone.
“I am going to attempt this….” dad says, gripping the steering wheel tighter.”
“Who’s JC?” I ask.
“Our new stable hand” dad says, “Shit we’re stuck”
“WHAT!…What happened to James?” I ask, exasperated.
“His wife is pregnant so he wanted a job closer to home.” Dad answered.
But he had been here for so long – so many years. Ten years to be exact he had started working for us when he was 15 during his summers.
The tractor took me from thoughts.
Dad turned off the ignition and jumped out to greet JC. I couldn’t see the young man well for dad had run ahead to speak to him. JC got off the tractor and walked with dad toward the truck. As they got closer I was in shock to see that JC wasn’t a young man but rather a young woman, she was around my age.
“Andrea I would like you to meet…” dad was interrupted by me jumping from the cab and running toward the farmhouse.
I don’t need to be introduced to Jess. I knew her, know her well. No wonder no one answered when I knocked on Jess and Grace’s dorm door. Jess was already here!
I ran up to the front porch skipping many of the steps in the process. The screen door smacked me in the ass as it slammed behind me. Mom rushed from the kitchen to greet me
“Hi honey, welcome home” Mom said, hugging me.
“Thanks,” I said, “when JC and dad come in will you ask JC to bring my stuff up to me; I will be in my room and I want to talk to her.”
“Sure.” mom called after me as I had already ascended the stairs.
 
I flopped down on my bed and stared at the bird who sat confidently on the highest perch in his cage. “Hello Skye” I said, walking over to the cage. I quietly open the cage and waited for the sky-blue budgie to hop on to my finger.
I sat on my bed with Skye, basking in the glory of four months to do whatever I felt like. I was happy to be home, happy that I had my room, my bird, my family and yet something was missing. I didn't know what it was; I didn't care really to know what was for I knew something about this summer would be different.
“Andrea, I brought you your stuff.” Jess said, as she opened my door, almost in a cautious manner.
“Thanks” I said, flatly.
“Welcome” she said turning to leave me
“Jess, wait” I said, to her back
“What?” she snapped, wheeling to face me.
“Whoa that was a little harsh – what the hell?” I asked.
Jess didn’t offer a response instead she sat down on my bed and wrapped her arms around me and cried.
“Jess what’s wrong”
“I miss Grace” she sobbed
“Okay I understand that a person can miss another, especially being that you two were so close” I said, “but what I don’t understand is why you miss her already…I mean you just saw her mere hours ago.”
“True, but there’s so much that you don’t know and that I am not able to talk about yet.”
“Okay I am here and will listen and won’t judge”
“I know I appreciate that, Andrea” Jess said, as she stood up. “Well, it’s getting late and I want to finish up mucking out the stalls before dinner”
Looking at the time: 5:30, I said, “Dinner will most likely be in half an hour, how many stalls do you have left?”
“Six”
“Okay so we take three each and we’ll be done with fifteen minutes to spare”
 
***
 
“Thanks for helping; I mean, honestly, this job is exhausting!” Jess said, a few minutes later as she started on her first stall.
Casually I asked, “Hey Jess, how did you get this job?”
She smiled meekly “James Henderson… is my cousin”
“Cool, but why didn’t you tell me that this was where you’d be working for the summer?”
“’ didn’t know this was your farm…or at least I never put two and two together”
Laughing I say, “Fair enough, do you want me to call the house and see if we have time for a quick ride before dinner?”
“Sure” Jess said, over her shoulder, as she finished up her last stall.
I left the barn to use my cell to call the house as not to startle the horses. Moments later I returned to the cool dimly-lit barn to find Jess cleaning up the tack room.
“Dad is over helping Tom Morrison so mom is willing to hold our meals until we get back from our ride.”
“Who’s Tom?”
“Tom Morrison is our vet and every time he needs an extra set of strong hands he calls dad. Mom said that one of his mares is struggling to foal.”
“So which horses are we riding?” Jess asked, eagerly
“You have ridden before right?”
“Oh yes, many times. I took lessons for years at the Brinkley farm.”
Brinkley was a top riding farm in the area it seemed that the teams from Brinkley won shows every year.
“Okay you can ride the newest mare to our barn- Tuxedo Bell. She’s stubborn and at times very unpredictable but I have no doubt you can handle her”
“What’s her barn name?”
“Oh right, I guess that would help…Tux” I laughed.
“What kind of name is that for a female horse?” Jess guffawed.
“Have you seen the horse in question?”
“No.”
“Well, grab her tack and go see for yourself why she’s named Tux”
“Who are you riding?”
“I think I will ride ‘Diamond’s Gem’ can you pass me the tack for diamond”
“Sure”
As I start brushing diamond, (a chestnut gelding with a perfect diamond on his face) I watched Jess’s reaction as she found Tux’s stall.
“Oh my god you look like your wearing a tuxedo” Jess breathed in the bay girls neck
“I heard that!” I laughed. “You ready?”
“Yes” she said, as she led the bay mare to adjoining arena. I followed with Diamond.
I helped steady Tux while Jess mounted.
I mounted Diamond with ease the gelding was dead broke.
We circled the indoor arena a few times. I started Diamond in trot and then seamlessly moved into a canter. “You ready to go into the fields?” I called
“Yup”
Jess and I cantered down to Meadow Spring Falls at the back of our property.
We stopped at the edge of the lake; we dismounted, tied the horses to a tall spruce and sat at the waters edge.
“What’s up Jess?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“What was with the tears over Grace? Are you ready to talk about it?”
“Sure…did you ever see the movie Broke back Mountain?
“Yes”
“That’s my story”
“WHAT!”
“Are you okay?” Jess asked.
“Yes I am, just shocked” I said pulling Jess into a tight hug.
“I love you” I said.
“Thank you”
“Welcome, I have to tell you something”
“What, you are too” Jess said, looking into my eyes laughing.
“Yup, pretty much”
“Does your family know?”
“Nope.”
“You gonna tell ‘em?” Jess asked.
“No, not yet at least”
Does yours know?
“Yes, but only because I have a gay cousin, who came out before me.” Jess said, with a smirk.
As if reading Jess’s mind I said sarcastically, “and do I know this cousin of yours?”
Laughing she said, “You do indeed, quite well in fact – he’s only worked for your family for ten years”
“I am shocked and confused” I said, “Dad said James quit because his wife is pregnant”
Jess laughed, “Translation: Brian and James have adopted a little girl.”
“Oh, I wonder why he didn’t tell dad?” I thought aloud.
“No clue; my guess is that he didn’t because your dad was his employer and he’d risk losing his job”
“That wouldn’t happen with my father I know he would accept it.”
“I know and I am sure James knows that too but it’s just a personal policy James has about telling employers and I hold the same-they don’t ask we don’t tell”
“That makes sense. What’s their daughter’s name?”
“Lily Nicole Peace- she took Brian’s last name and Nicole is her birth mothers name.”
“Pretty name, how old is she?”
“Four, she’s really cute especially in her walker”
“Walker?”
“Yeah, Lil’s mom was 17 thus she had planned to put the child up for adoption. But when Lily was born four months premature Nicole felt badly and decided to call off the adoption. Then one day while Nicole was in the hospital with Lily who was still in the Neonatal intensive care; she met Brian Peace- a nurse in NICU. Brian would sit alone beside little Lily wishing he could be a father. Knowing he couldn’t he watched the young mom struggle to support her daughter.”
“So how did Lily end up with James as her Papa and Brian as her Dad?” I asked.
“On a particularly rough night for Lily Brian came on the night shift. Nicole had learned early on in her relationship with Brian that she could rest easy when he was working. But for some reason on this night Nicole could not rest until she had talked to Brian. She said ‘Brian I am not sure what to do Lily is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I don’t feel that I am ready to be a parent. However I would still love to be a part of my daughter’s life.’ So that next morning Brian went home to James and told him about baby Lily and her mother Nicole. James recommended bringing up the idea of open adoption with Nicole on his next shift. So that’s exactly what he did and Nicole asked if he and partner would like to be Lily’s parents assuming Nicole could remain a part of her life. The rest well is history”
“So Brian and James took Lily home with them when she was well enough?”
“Yes, at five months and Nicole remains a huge part of Lily’s life. At the time most children start walking Lily didn’t so they took her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. Because of the CP Lily needs to use a walker and can’t talk. But despite this set back is VERY expressive.” Jess said.
“We should be heading back for dinner soon before it gets too dark.” I said.
“Can we go for a quick swim under the setting sun first” Jess asked.
“But we didn’t bring our swim suits” I protested.
“You really think the horses will care if we have any clothes on when we swim?” Jess laughed, “And who else is around to see us?”
“Good point” I said, “I am going to call mom so she doesn’t worry.”
As I called mom I watched Jess, she had her back to me as she undressed.
“I have no idea what mom said to me or what I said to my mother in that thirty second call because my mind was else where.” I whispered to Jess as we walked nude into the lake.
Jess laughed.
After a quick swim we got out re-dressed and re-mounted two sleepy horses that had been lazily grazing and sleeping around the spruce tree over the three hours we had been sitting down by the lake. We galloped back to the barn as the heavens opened up as we regrouped after the swim.
 
Chapter Two: Late-night visitors
 
Dinner was buns and cold cuts, which was why Mom was so at ease to let us stay out for so long.
“How was your ride and swim girls” Mom asked, as she came into the kitchen carrying a coffee.
“Great thanks Mrs. Burke.” Jess said, as she made a summer sausage and cheese sandwich.
“JC dear, my last name is palmer, I kept my maiden name but please call me Mae”
“What’s with the use of initials here?” I asked, eyeing Jess.
“What do you mean?” Mom asked.
When Jess didn’t offer a response I decided to let for the time being.
“Mom where is JC (I caught myself cautious of the fact that Jess was using her initials around my parents) sleeping being that I am home now for the summer?”
“Do you girls mind sharing a room for the summer?” Mom asked, hopefully.
Thankful to be making a second sandwich I cast my eyes on the task at hand to avoid blushing before I answered, “I’m fine with the arrangement if JC is”
“Me too.” I heard Jess respond.
“Well then that’s settled there’s a second bed in your room” mom said, “I’m off to bed now girls dad is already gone to bed…good night”
“Night” we said in unison.
Alone with the main floor to ourselves I said to Jess, “Shall I light a fire or are you heading for bed?”
“A fire would be nice” Jess said “and I’ll make some Coco.”
As I set about lighting a fire and Jess put the water on to boil. There was a knock at the door.
“Are you aware of any company at this hour?” Jess called in a loud whisper.
“No why?”
“It appears we have company”
Jess went to the back door and let the visitor in. “hello miss Lily, Hi boys”
“Hi Jess” James said pushing past her and coming into the kitchen.
“Hi everyone, “I said, returning from lighting the fire in the living room hearth.
“Hi Andy” James said messing my shoulder length hair, affectionately
“Why you guys here, at this late hour?” I asked concerned.
“I need to go to the bathroom” Lily’s communication-computer squawked
“I will show her to the bathroom while Brian explains why we are here” James said, “Come with me sweetie” James said, carrying the child from the kitchen
“I thought I heard a male voice, Hello I am Mae Palmer”
“I am Brian Peace.” Brian stated.
“Oh hello Mae” James said, leaving the kitchen. “This is my daughter and that’s my partner Brian”
Without missing a beat mom said, “what kind of business are you in now James?”
James looked from me to Jess to Brian and then at mom before we all started laughing. Our laughter left mom in oblivion of darkness as she was unaware of the true relationship between Brian and James.
“Nicole the mother of Lily is in the hospital…in a coma. When she was late picking Lily for the night James went out to find Nicole fearing the worst as Nicole is good about calling if she’s going to be late. We waited two hours before James headed out to find her.”
“Did he find her?” Mom asked
“On the wet slick roads he past a lot of vehicles in the ditch. None of which matched Nicole’s Mazda. Then he ended up in a traffic jam when he got to the front he saw Nicole’s car on its roof. He went and spoke to the officer at the scene and said he was the father of Nicole’s child. The officer didn’t believe him so he came home. We have come here to ask if you would take care of Lily while we go to Nicole’s bedside.”
Without hesitation mom said, “Sure, that’s not a problem…in fact why don’t you take Jess and Andrea along for support.”
“I don’t see a problem with that; Girls do you want to come?”
“We will come if you think Lily will be content here with Mae?” Jess said.
“She’ll be fine; I put her to bed in Andrea’s room.” James said.
“I will keep you posted.” I said, to mom, “by the way, I just lit a fire and we made some coco that we don’t have time to drink.”
“Thanks sweetie” Mom called after us.
Jess and I piled into the back seat of James and Brian’s van and headed into town.
“How was Toronto pride this year?” Jess asked.
“It doesn’t happen until the last week of July. But I suspect it will be amazing as usual” James said.
“We plan to take Lily for the first time to family day this year.” Brian said, “She’ll love it”
“You should go hon.” James said, turning to face Jess from the front passenger seat
“So you both tell me.” Jess said, with a smile.
“I want to go” I piped in
“You should Andrea, a lot of straight people go too” Brian said,
I looked at Jess and smiled
“Brian Andy-girl here isn’t straight.” Jess said
“Sorry for assuming Hon” Brian said, “Are you out to many?”
“Just you three” I said.
“So are you bi or lesbian”
“I am lezzy”
Brian and James laughed.
“Okay so Nicole is in ICU if you get hassled you’re her sisters, but you shouldn’t being that this is the hospital I work at” Brian said as we pulled into Bridgestone General.
The automatic doors opened into a reception area. Brian waved at the woman sitting behind the desk before proceeding to point the entourage toward ICU. Brian picked up the phone in front of the ICU and said, “Hi Helen, it’s Brian Peace…No I am not working. I am here with a few people to see Nicole Brown. Thanks so much Helen” The doors swung open.
We entered. “Not often we see you in your street clothes Brian” Helen smiled.
“I know eh Helen.” Brian laughed.
“Who have we here?” Helen asked, pointing to the group.
“Sorry Helen, how rude of me. This is my partner James, his cousin Jess and her friend Andrea.”
“Nice to finally meet you James, I have heard so much about you!” Helen gushed. “Nice to meet you as well girls” Helen said, as she collected herself.
“Sorry to cut this short Helen but we’re here on business” Brian interjected.
“Yes sorry right who are you all here to see?”
“Nicole Brown” Brian repeated, kindly.
“Bed Three”
“Who’s her nurse?”
“Miranda”
“Thanks for everything Helen” Brian said, as he led us all to bed three.
“Hi Miranda,” Brian said
“Hey there, Brian”
“Brian I have a question” I said “Why do you know all these nurses?”
“Andrea I work a lot of the time with these girls…I work a lot in ICU or NICU”
“Oh” I said embarrassed.
“How’s Miss Brown doing Miranda?”
“I am not at liberty to discuss her condition with you Brian.”
“Are you aware that James and I are the adoptive parents of her birth-child Lily?” Brian said, as he produced a document from his back pocket. “Here read this, we had Nicole sign this and we signed one as well. In case something happened to any of us. We have a joint custody arrangement with Nicole and this document gives permission of Nicole to release relevant information”
“Fair enough,” Miranda said. “Nicole is in a drug induced coma to keep her muscles calm. She may be paralyzed but that isn’t certain until the swelling goes down. She’s been moving her hands and figures a lot so that’s a good sign” Miranda said, going to read something from one of the machines.
Just then Nicole’s fingers began to move, I watched. “She’s finger spelling” I said, “Okay Nicole I am watching your right hand I will repeat every letter back to you or say the word so you know I am on track. Sound good”
Nicole shook a clenched fist – the sign for yes
“w-h-e-r-e i-s L-i-l-y” I said aloud “she said where’s Lily”
“I know Andrea” Brian answered, “Lil is with Andrea’s mom”
“This is amazing; I’ve never seen a patient do this while in a coma.” Miranda said, “Nicole do you know where you are?”
“B-r-i-d-g-e-s-t-o-n-e G-e-n-e-r-a-l” I said aloud on Nicole’s behalf.
“Nicole how do you know sign language?” Jess asked
“d-e-a-f s-i-s-t-e-r” I spelled aloud
“You have a deaf sister, is she older or younger” Jess asked.
Nicole pointed down to show her sister was younger.
“Have you taught lily some signs?” James asked.
Nicole signed the word ‘No’ and then went on to spell “I h-a-v-e p-l-a-n-s t-o d-o s-o. T-h-a-t w-a-y s-h-e c-a-n c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-ate ‘without always needing the computer?’” I asked, guessing what that end of Nicole’s statement might be
Nicole signed ‘yes’
Miranda said, “I am going to call the doctor on call and see if we can’t bring her from the coma. For heavens sake the girl is totally responsive” as she left the room
“Okay she’s gone, in case it makes a difference to what you want to say” Brian said.
“H-o ‘how’ w-a-s p-r-i-d-e”
“It doesn’t happen until the last week in July we plan to Lily this year for the first time” James said, “In fact we were trying to convince Jess and Andrea they should go”
“I d-o-n-t k-n-o-w i-f I c-a-n a-s-k t-h-i-s b-u-t I a-m g-o-i-n-g t-o”
“Go ahead Nicole” I said
“A-r-e J-e-s-s a-n-d A-n-d-r-e-a g-a-y”
“Yes we’re both lesbian” Jess answered coyly
“A c-o-u-p-l-e”
“Are you asking if we are a couple?” Jess asked
Nicole signed yes
I looked at jess and jess looked at me as if to say how I answer this
Jess took the lead on this question and said “Nicole, as of yet we aren’t but I suspect we could become one”
Miranda re-entered the room followed by a young male doctor. “Everyone I would like you meet Doctor John Jelly.” Miranda said, “Doctor I called you as it seems Miss Brown is completely communicating via finger spelling.”
“Interesting”
“H-e-l-l-o I a-m N-i-c-o-l-e B-r-o-w-n”
“What day is it Nicole?” Doctor Jelly asked
“M-o-n-d-a-y A-p-r-i-l 3-0”
“Very good” the doctor said
“Nicole do you think you’re ready to come to”
“W-h-a-t d-o y-o-u m-e-a-n”
“Out of the medically induced coma”
“o-h y-e-s p-l-e-a-s-e”
“Ok I have so reduced the drug you should be fully awake and alert within the hour.”
“D-o-n-t l-e-a-v-e m-e”
“Nicole I must complete my rounds, but I will be back to check on you”
“And we’ll stay with you for a while” James said.
“Excuse me it’s getting late and must call mom and to update her” I said.
“I will come with you” Jess said.
Out in the hall I started to dial my cell when Helen said kindly “Andrea would you mind leaving the ICU to make that call”
“Absolutely, if you’ll be sure to let us back in.”
“Sure thing” Helen said
“Let’s go get a drink after we make the call”
I called and left a message as mom had turned the ringer off as not to wake Lily
Then we went to the vending machine.
As we sat quietly in the closed cafeteria with our pop I was lost in the thoughts of the days events. The homecoming and Jess’ startling welcome, meeting Lily and Nicole under these adverse conditions.
“Hey cutie, lost on a cloud are you?”
“What? Did you just call me cutie?”
“Yes, do you have a problem with that?”
“No, I am just shocked” I said, aware that my face had changed to a hue of crimson.
“Shocked, really why did you not notice how I would flirt with you when Grace would invite David over?” Jess asked, “I hated being the fifth wheel so I would invite you over.”
“I could definitely tell that that those ‘dates’ between Grace and David made you uncomfortable but I didn’t notice your flirting then.” I said, “However, now it’s obvious”
Jess laughed, and then said, “Well, should we head back?”
“Okay.” I said, downing the remainder of orange crush.
Jess and I walked back to the door of the ICU hand in hand.
“Did our friendship just change?” I whispered.
“I think so” Jess whispered, back.
 
Chapter Three: A Magical Moment
 
By the time we entered Nicole’s ICU room; we found her wide awake and sitting up with a pad of paper and a pen in hand because the ventilator was still in.
“Given up on trying to fingerspell, Nicole?” I asked, with a smirk. I could tell she was trying to smile from behind the tubes and tape.
“Well, I think we should be heading home.” Brian said.
“Yeah I am tired” I said, winking at Jess.
A subtle smiled played at her lips.
Out in the parking lot James walked between Jess and I with a protective arm around our shoulder. Brian had stayed back as his shift started in a few hours so he decided to sleep there. Suddenly he stopped under one of the lamps in the lot.
“What’s up James?” Jess asked, looking up at him.
“My thoughts exactly” James said.
“Huh” I said.
“Get to the point here James, both Andrea and I are royally confused.” Jess demanded
“Okay, okay fine.” James said, “Are you two a couple?”
“Yes” jess said, “don’t get all sappy with us now James”
“I won’t.” James said, “I will give you two a moment alone, if you want?”
“Why so you can watch our first kiss?” Jess blurted out.
“Why would a gay guy want to watch to chicks kiss?” James asked, as he walked about ten feet away and got into the van.
“What now?” I asked.
“I guess we have two choices: we kiss, or we don’t but god help us if we ever bitch in front of James about never getting any time alone” Jess said. I had removed the elastic from my waist length blonde hair as she’d talked. Jess continued, “I guess….” She was cut off by my lips caressing hers. Gently she wrapped her arms around my waist pulling me in closer. Her lips burned against mine with such a comforting warmth and intensity I thought I may pass out. At the same time I didn’t want this moment to end. Slowly Jess pulled away. Whispering in to my neck in a tone barely audible to the human ear, she said simply, “thank you, Andy-girl”
“For what?” I asked, meekly, as I spoke I watched Jess’ chocolate-brown eyes dance as she scanned my face.
“For being you” Jess said, as she slinked her arm around my waist and pointed me in the direction of the van.
What a day, I thought, as Jess and I walked physically intertwined a silence had fallen comfortably between us.
“Thanks James” Jess said when we got into the van.
“For…?” James asked.
“Allowing us an intimate moment” I said.
“I understand.” James said, “I remember my younger days as a gay man it wasn’t easy.”
“Care to tell us more?” I asked.
“My mother was the queen of flip flopping. One day she was accepting of my homosexuality and the next she was making me watch shows like 100 Huntley Street. Those types of shows claim to cure people of their homosexuality. I figured out later that Mom really didn’t approve- the 100 Huntley Street shit would only happen when she suspected I was dating. In other words as long as I presented well and behaved the way she thought I should; she reacted in accepting manner.” James said casually, as he drove. “I eventually had had enough and moved out of my parents home”
“How old were you-when you moved out?” Jess asked.
“21”
“A thought has just occurred to me.” I said.
“What’s that?” James asked
“I’m a lesbian; Jess is my girlfriend and we’re living under the same roof.”
“And?” Jess asked, perplexed.
“How can we show each other affection being that my parents don’t know about us.”
“You’ll find a way, trust me” James said, reassuringly; as he turned into Meadow Springs.
“We’ll take your word for it James” Jess said, laughing.
“May I recommend that you tell Mae and Derek sooner rather then later?” James said, kindly, as he stopped half way up the laneway.
“Why’d you stop here?” I asked.
“So we could finish this conversation privately.” James responded.
“Okay, but what if they freak out and kick us out?” Jess asked, I could hear the fear in her voice.
“Mind shacking up with two gay guys and a little girl in that case?” James asked. This was clearly a offer to move in with him if there was problem for Jess and I.
“James, Thank you.” Jess and I said, almost in unison.
We pulled up I let the group in; James came up to my room and got Lily. Mom had gone back to bed. “Tell Mae Lil and I will be back in the moring to find out if there was an issues while we were at the hospital.” James said.
“We will” I answered.
“Jessie girl.” James called in a loud whisper, from outside the bathroom door.
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind teaching my princess here how to ride; when we come back in the morning?” James asked.
“Sure no problem”
“Well good night ladies”
“Night”
Jess and I finished in the bathroom. I climbed into bed Jess returned from finishing in the bathroom moments later.
“close the door behind you” I whispered.
“Okay, and I locked it.”
“Locked it? But my door doesn’t…”
Jess put her fingers to her lips and said sweetly “I put a lock on it”
“Why?”
Jess reached under the bed and pulled out all four seasons of the ‘L World’ “So we can watch these uninterrupted”
Although not pornographic in the least there was deep unexplained shame for me about watching that show.
“I am glad for the lock” I whispered
“Why?” Jess asked
“Come here”
Jess sat on the bed beside me.
“So we have…”
Jess kissed me fiercely. “Our own space” she said, finishing my thought.
***
The next morning a knock on our locked door woke me from a feverish dream I quickly woke Jess and told her to go lie on the bed designated for her. She moved on that before I opened the door.
“Go’d day ladies.” Dad said.
“Hi Dad,” I said.
“Morning Derek,” Jess said, with a yawn I could tell was fake.
“I noticed the door was locked?” Dad said.
“Yeah, I always have it locked” I lied
“Really I guess I don’t try to wake you often” Dad said.
“This is true Dad, you don’t. Usually there isn’t a need to”
“Good point, but its noon and your still in bed?” Dad asked.
“Obviously you didn’t get told we got in from the hospital at 3am”
“Hospital...3am? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?” Dad sputtered, half shouting.
“Go down stairs and mom will fill you in” I said to dad, gently closing the door in his face.
With the door locked, we shut the world out of our space. I turned to Jess. “Welcome to the best summer of our lives”
“We should get dressed and become civilized people and go eat something before Lily and James arrive.” Jess said, crossing the room to sit on my window seat.
“You’re assuming they aren’t here yet…it is noon for all we know James and Lil’ may have been here for hours”
Within five minutes Jess and I were dressed and ready to take on the world. As we bounded down the stairs, I realized that the house was quiet. I walked into the kitchen it was empty. I found a note from mom that read: I am out on the veranda; I left some Buck-bucks in the warm oven.
“What are Buck-bucks?” Jess asked, apparently she’d read the note over my shoulder.
“Oh sorry Buck-bucks are what my grandma Palmer calls pancakes.” I explained.
We ate quickly, put our dirty dishes in the sink and then raced out to join mom on the veranda.
“Good morning girls” Mom said, as she looked up from her book.
“Morning”
“How’d you sleep?”
“I slept well” I said, as I joined Jess on the step.
“What you reading Mae?” Jess asked.
“ The first book, by a young woman named Nicole Brown” Mom said.
“Nicole Brown has written a book?” Jess asked.
“yes, why?”
“Looks like the conversation will have to wait- here comes Lily and James.” Jess said, drawing our attention to the forest green van coming up the drive. When the van stopped I called through the open window: “Lily you ready to ride a horsy?”
Lily was laughing and nodding her head excitedly
“Clearly she’s ready” Jess said, laughing at Lily’s antics. “What horse should I tack up?”
“Willow,” I answered.
“Willow? Which one is willow?” Jess asked, clearly still getting used to the horses in our barn.
“The Shetland pony,” I said. “the grey one” I added, realising we had two Shetlands: willow who was grey and Mack-Jack who was pinto
“Yes, boss” Jess said, with a grin.
“I’m going to go find out if Lily had any problems while we were at the hospital; we’ll meet you there.” James said. Whispering to me he said “Take this moment and be with your girl.”
“Okay.” I said.
I raced down to the barn to spend time with Jess. As I ran it dawned on me, with thirty-four acres of land there was bound to be a place Jess and I could call our own. My room would fit given a normal situation- a straight relationship. But as far as my parents were concerned I don’t think a gay one would fit into the realm of what they thought to be a “normal relationship” As soon as that thought crossed my mind I remembered the lock and my mind was put at ease.
By the time I got to the barn Willow was standing calmly in the cross ties. Jess was in the tack room trying to find the brushes specific for Willow.
“You won’t find that Willow or Mack-Jack have specific tack of course with the exception of a bridle” I said, as I breathed in the sweet smells of warm hay mixed with horses.
“Because dad usually uses them as drive horses carting our crops to and from market- they are able to be ridden and reliable but I am just too big now so we sold the tack.” I said, only then did I realize that Jess hadn’t asked me why.
Jess found the spare, non-horse specific tack that we had on hand in case something wore out and tacked Willow up.
Moments later “we’re going to go ride horsys Lily girl” James sang out loudly as a warning that he Lily and Mom were entering the barn. I knew immediately that he thought we would be making out or worse and he was using this song to warn us. Lily who had been riding atop James’ shoulders giggles stopped when she saw Willow. Her eyes grew wide and she looked timid.
“This is her first experience with horses.” James said, as he took Lily from her perch and helped her walk toward the horse.
“Lily this Willow” I said, as I lowered willow’s head so the little girl could pat her head.
“Pretty horse” Lily said, cautiously.
James almost forgot that he was supporting his little daughter. Tears threatened all our eyes as we all came to the sudden realization that these words were a first for Lily; it was a moment of true magic.
Willow carried Lily with a grace and gentleness that was beautiful. I held the lead rope and Jess side-walked. Side-walkers are sometimes used when teaching people with physical disabilities to ride. Side-walkers were only required for riders with poor balance and because we were unsure of Lily’s balance.
Mom asked James and Lily to join us that night for a fabulous meal of fresh lake trout. Glancing at the large oak table (the focal point within the room) she turned to me and Jess and said “can you two run up to the attic and grab a spare chair James is going to page Brian as his shift is over in twenty minutes”
“Sure.” I said, as I took Jess’ hand and dragged her from the room.
 
***
Up in the attic I grabbed the chair that seemed to be the sturdiest and was about to descend the attic stairs when Jess said “Andrea look” it was a cardboard box that read “For Andrea when she’s 21”
“I am 21 now…carry it down to our room we can examine its contents later”
“Holy shit its heavy” Jess gasped in surprise as she hoisted the box onto her shoulder and carried it to our room.
 
Chapter Four
After dinner the boys and Lily left Jess and I did the dishes while mom and dad got ready to go out to their weekly card party.
“What game do they play?”
“Huh?”
“Cards… what game?” Jess said, sarcastically
“Euchre, usually I think…sometimes Bridge”
“What do you want to do tonight, any thoughts?”
“Umm…well we could…” I said, suggestively.
“We could!” Jess responded, enthusiastically
“Yes we could – or I was thinking we could have Grace and David over for a start of summer party”
I say we invite those two over on the weekend and we can also invite Matt and Jon.” Jess said.
“Matt and Jon, Who are they?”
“Matt is the brother I never had”
“Okay, I am fine to wait” I said, playfully flinging the dish towel towards Jess’ ass
"I would prefer if we sat and talked for awhile, tonight." Jess said.
"I have a better idea even then that!" I exclaimed, "go get the box from our room, it's far too heavy for me."
"Okay, I will meet you in the living room."
 
A few minutes later, I found myself lying on the cream shag carpet staring up at the world through the skylight. The sky transformed before my eyes: red, orange, magenta, pink, purple, finally to shades of gray-blue than to black. At some point, while I was watching the sky change Jess brought the box from the bedroom and joined me.
Looking over at Jess, (who had laid next to me) I was overtaken with emotion. I guess, I was unaware of the fact that I started to cry. The next thing I knew, Jess wrapped her arms around me and proceeded to rock back and forth in a comforting manner.
"I thought it best; we wait to have our summer party." Jess said, as she pulled slightly out of the hug so she could look into my eyes. She continued, "I want to talk to you, haven't you wondered why I haven't called my parents, or why they haven't tried calling me?"
"Honestly, I never really noticed. Now that you mention it, why don't you tell me?"
“My father died when I was five, as result of a work-place accident.”
“And your mom?” I prompted, sneaking a glance at Jess’ pensive expression
“My mom…” Jess sighed, visibly fighting back tears. “Mom’s kidneys were damaged as a result of a car accident when I was six and for the last fourteen years, three times a week she received hemodialysis from a machine at the hospital.
“Hemodialysis- what’s that?” I asked, as I didn’t know there was more then one form of dialysis.
“Hemodialysis is the form that is done via machine the other of which I can’t recall the name, filters the blood via the lining of the stomach” Jess said, propping herself on her elbows.
In a barely audible voice Jess said, “Mom past away last August just before I moved into Res.”
“Oh Jess, I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Jess said, meekly.
“Why did you keep that from me, for so long did you think that I would not support you?” I asked, kindly.
“I always knew you would support me; but as with anything close to the heart, I had to grieve on my own terms.”
Jess pulled me in close.
“Let’s get to the box shall we?” I asked, wiping my hand tenderly across Jess’ face to remove the tears.
Jess nodded, “we’re gonna need a knife or scissors or something- and I need a tissue.”
“Scissors in the drawer beside the fridge and tissues are on top of the fridge. I am gonna light a fire” I said, as I did a low army style crawl across the floor to the fireplace.
“You know, there is something so romantic about a lit fire when I am with someone I love”
“How nice of you” Jess said as she returned with scissors in hand.
“Nice, of me. What’s nice of me?”
“Of you to say you love our friendship and spending time with me”
“What, that’s what this is to you just a friendship?” I spat. Not daring to look at Jess
"Is that what you think Andrea?" "When I met you I loved you, as a friend I have grown to love you as more... as my girlfriend!”
Ignoring her last remark; I focused my attention on building the fire. Out lasting my girl was never easy but I wanted her to feel some remorse for her words.
It didn’t take Jess long to realize.
“Sweetie, come here.” She cooed, soothingly.
“No” I said, angrily.
“Andrea, babe I am sorry!” she said.
I was defiant and didn’t look at her.
“How can I make it up to you?” she asked, pleading with me.
My eyes flashed with the question. I would love to make out with her I thought
Without answering I went over to her. She was kneeling beside the box. I gently kissed her seductively.
“I thought we were going to open the box.” Jess said.
“We will later” I said, resuming my little kissing experience.
That night was my first romantic encounter with a woman. It happened in the living room; hours before my parents were due home. It was gentle, sweet, and erotic all in the same. Jess and I lay there for a while a comfortable lull had fallen between us. The grandfather clock chimed 12 times.
“It’s late Jess” I said mussing her hair affectionately.
“I know” Jess said.
“You don’t care do you?” I asked, “Even despite the fact that Dad will expect you to be at the barn doing morning chores at 5:30?”
Smiling, she said, “I get your point, are you coming.”
“Yes”
 

Hi all,
I thought i would respond publicly, as i am not sure if y'all take time to read replys to posts. Jeff, yes, I still live at home, and you hit the nail on the head with regard to mom's concern. As it seems she is worried that she would end up as primary caregiver of the dog. Fact, she is retired, and I am a student, but it is also written into the contract that the recipant signs that if the dog isn't used for its intended purpose and treated as a pet or god forbid miss treated the school can revoke the students plivage and thus remove the dog.
I know legally I could apply because I am adult. However, I would love my parents blessing, I mean they seem to think that they would end up being the ones who cares for it.
I believe that the dog would become an extenstion of myself and make my life richer I am just not sure I am ready for it...
I actually fear physical independance to a degree but I feel like a dog would help me get there! I want to eventually move out and have the company of a dog that could get me help in the night should i require it would make me feel that much better about things!
what your thoughts?

I found this on youtube and thought it was so sweet that I had to share it by no means do I take credit for it though! I suspect it could generate some discussion though...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shbE3nYlzSc