I talked to my best friend today. I told him that I felt like my parents were gonna find out pretty soon. And he said that if I ever needed a place to lay my head his house was always available. I can have the whole third floor, he said.

My father found a cookie a year ago for a gay site...theGYC on my computer and said, "Son! Whatever you do, I don't want to find out that you are gay..." *rocks back and forth* "It goes against God and number two that lifestyle carries a lot of sexual diseases."

My father is a Baptist pastor. I feel so scared. He will be distraught. Sometimes I think 'Why don't I just jump out the window? No one will notice. Just drop the books and run. '
I feel like I'm dead, dying and going to die all at the same time.
I feel like I'm about to cry...And this is going to hurt them and shatter their hopes for me. I know I am who I am but I love them too much to tell straight-up, ya know? I am my mother's only child. The others? Miscarriaged and stillborn.

I'm not sick but I'm not well!

This time my entry's about Lass.

For the past few weeks I've been plagued by spontaneous dreams about Lass ever since our friendship entered its silent desert. This is the third time its had her and the second time its been ONLY her. And it seems like each dream connects to something I was going to confront her about in real-time.

Like, in the dream before the one I'm about to explain, it was about me giving her the Chemistry test she left at my house and she laughed and said "Gimme dat shit!" in a ghetto-fied voice and we both laughed. That's something we normally do, make fun of ghetto people.

The night I had that dream I found her Chemistry test in my bag and decided to give it to her the next day.

In the dream last night I was at some sort of Gay Youth meeting at a church (in and out) and she texted me saying something about 'soft' or 'sigh' and then I met her at this cloudy place and we just started talking about something...can't remember what it was much...but it was one of those philosophical/quantum physics discussions...And she looked very somber and thoughtful and I felt warmhearted..

I don't know what any of this means.

Where has my life gone? In the past two months it seems I've undergone massive amounts of change and yet I still feel the same when the sun goes down. Now, today my friend approached Mitch and tried to mend things between us today and he said it was "too late" and that the "friendship was over." And I can admit my actions were brash, putting him on blast on the internet. I should have written it on paper, I really should have.

Let's not pretend that I wasn't angry at them because I really was, and it was totally stupid and misplaced, but then they started adding bits and pieces about how I was fake for not approaching them and that my apologies are bullshit, which just adds salt to the wound because the stark reality of it was hard enough.
But everywhere I've ever been for the past three years has been with them. It's like a brother & sister disowned me over a blog that really means nothing because it's a betrayal of my true feelings for them: total and complete love.

I don't know about anyone else but I love writing longhand. In my room I have stacks of notebooks, napkins, loose paper, etc. full of snippets, observations, paragraphs, titles, plot-planning, everything.
And I love writing by hand because its a much wider window into emotion and then I transfer over.
It's a damn good thing because it helps me get thoughts down quickest, because when I'm at the computer I become an editor and then I want to edit things unecessarily to give the prose a certain flavour. Thankfully I've been growing out of that.

I was watching this special about Whitney Houston on T.V. and she had gone to Israel with her husband, Bobby Brown, to partake in a ceremony honouring black Hebrews. Garbed in Israeli attire, she was getting ready to board the plane back to America and yelled, "I LOVE ISRAEL--IT'S MY LAND!"

Me: O_O *laughs fucking ass off*
And another time she was holding up a sign written in Israeli and she said, "I love Israel. It's beautiful. It's my land." And she said each sentence so quickly and low that it made me burst a gut laughing.

Don't do drugs guys! NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD. ;D

P.S.
I wonder how long it'll be before some Palestinians take a pot shot at her.

My land, eh? We'll show her 'my land'!*ratatatatatatatata. boooom!*
Seriously though, Houston could have just painted 'GAZA' on herself and made the message extra clear
Peace, guys. ;D

I had a dream that I was friends with Mitch and Lass once again. We were sitting around Mitch's computer making jokes. Could it be an omen?

I feel so skint.
It's like, I feel like I'm standing at the precipice of a great mountain screaming to the top of my lungs...and all around me are people who are in my life, not even paying attention or listening to my screams.

Yes, I feel true and utter loneliness. And I feel like no one really takes my emotions seriously. Like everything I do or think or say or feel is a complete joke to them. Emotions are scary things and people have such, such difficulty dealing with their own let alone other people's. And I'm effing tired of it. It's a very...hard existence, because I'm not totally alone, I just feel that sudden coldness that comes at the end of the day and makes me question why I'm even allowed to live anymore.

I feel cold inside too...but every now and then there's an inch of warmth and love and happiness that finds its way through. I just want someone to bloody fill me up. I want someone who gives me that feeling you get after you have just drunk hot chocolate.

I don't want my Oasis journal to be some emo podium. Haha. But, really, things happened with Mitch and Lass today that really set my skin afire. So Lass told me she was going to make my life miserable if I didn't take down that fucking LJ that I wrote. I feel like she has taken 'drama queen' to a whole new level, especially since I did sincerely apologise and yet she still calls my apology bullshit and says I am full of shit. I am so sick of people not taking my emotions seriously. She said if she had the money she would file a lawsuit because it included her name. Since the hell when could she file a lawsuit because it included her name? Her dramatics are getting on my nerves over this whole ordeal. She said she wanted to pound my face in, too. She was making a huge spectacle of it in class, trying to whore attention, and I don't know why. Because she ignored me yesterday I thought it best to ignore her too. So I was minding my business working on my French verbs and she comes out of nowhere and initiates the conversation in this loud voice. Obviously she doesn't have the maturity to calm herself down and think that maybe there are worse things in life than someone talking about her on their blog, especially if that person already apologised more than once and already explained the situation and is trying to avoid you at all costs for right now. She told me to "stay away from her for a long, long time" and ever since I texted her that I had the apology for her she keeps popping up, giving me demands and such. I typed up, wrote down and verbalized the apology--what else the fuck does she expect me to do? I am NOT going to get on my knees and grovel and beg for her forgiveness. If she's not done with this whole angry game by 25 June, then I am going to have to just let it all fall apart because this doesn't make any sense to me anymore. If she thinks I'm going to college still fighting with her then I'm gonna tell her plain and simple: "Save the drama for high school because I'm moving on." Because I'm trying to bury the situation. She considers my apology bullshit and considers my other friends (whom I called awesome) not as good as she and Mitch because these friends didn't do the things the three of us used to do, which is a load of bullshit because she has no idea about my relationship with these people that I've known long before her. She has no idea about the kind of stuff I've actually experienced with my other friends, so before she starts judging she seriously needs to consider the fact that I am truly loyal to her and she's nothing but blinded by her anger. If she hates me so much then why is she sitting there talking to me?

2. "I'm on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move, check it out I'm rockin' steady!" So the title of this, my first entry, is the song from Motion City Soundtrack that basically sums up my life right now. I feel like I'm caught between a volcano and the Earth's core, that's how melodramatic things have played out since I had that fight with two of my friends. I'm not gonna name them because naming them on an online journal is how they found out about the things I said about them before....so I think I'll just call them Mitch and Lass. It's funny because Mitch and Lass are with me all the time...and they both made me angry last Friday when Lass said something as if she was going to have fun with Mitch and didn't want me around. I think I blew what she said out of proportion. At that time in the week I was going through a lot of stress, and I could barely get any sleep and I was barely eating either. That's how bad school made me. Pissed, I went home and wrote about how I "felt" on Livejournal. And then the thing is that what I wrote was very, very stupid because I didn't mean anything I said about them. My anger was based on irrationality. Thinking I was safe, I decided not to confront them about how I felt because I knew it would have escalated into something bigger than what already was. I just didn't have time for drama, ya know? As the weekend ended I saw Mitch and Lass once and semi-smiled in their faces, actually forgetting about what I had done two days prior. They were indifferent. Tuesday came and they confronted me about it at lunch. I felt like I had been slapped in the face! Me: O_O Woah Them: -_- We have some issues Ya know what those two did? They went on Google and typed in Mitch's name to see what would pull up and they found the entry. I could've sworn it was made private. But no. I went back and LJ had double-saved the entry. One was private, one was not. But that doesn't matter because my entire journal is exposed to the world, which is why I don't even see the reason of setting it to "private" anymore. The search engines break through all that and pull it all up. Invasion. So Mitch and Lass wrote the entire entry down word for word on a sheet of paper and pointed some things out to me. I simply told them I had no words to say and that that's the way that I've been feeling for the past few days, which was a complete denial of what was really going on. I had forced myself to get rid of this act in that short amount of time. So Lass told me to stay away from her for a long, long time. Going home that night I really did reflect on what happened because none of it was meant to be in that way. I overreacted to what Lass and Mitch had done the previous week and my plans for thoughts of solitude backfired. I wrote down my apology in my notebook, which stretched four pages. It explained everything. Even things from the past that they had said/done were bothering me inside, like some festering boil. I couldn't stand it anymore because everything else in my life felt like it was about to malfunction and I felt even more hopeless because my friends were malfunctioning, too. All in all I texted Lass the following day and for two hours we went back and forth, back and forth, with her saying "Fuck you" many times to me. So she used something in my LJ I said about being with friends I hadn't seen in years and then told me to go leave her the fuck alone. That night I went to my college Philosophy class and I was with my friend Caitlin. I asked my Professor for advice and she and Caitlin both said that I basically needed to give them space. A hiatus was needed. Things needed to cool after that whole eruption. On the way out of the college, Lass texted me: 'Where are you? I need to talk to you.' And we spoke to each other and I basically broke down with the apology that had been inside of me for awhile. She seemed ready to reconcile but was still a bit facetious in her tone with me...and the next day I found out that she asked a girl who I was when the girl mentioned me to her. And Lass ignored the hell out of me in class. All day. The future just freaks me out.