yeah so im def fancying this girl on our softball team. she plays shortstop and there is just something about her liitle frame that is cute. but she kinda looks like gumby. its small but i def see the rememblance. me and my friend are trying to stalk her but who the fuck dont have a facebook? i think that makes her more interesting to me bc it shows she is not into mainstream college society. she is not confirmed to be into girls but she just seems like it. i was like, i will just ask her if she likes girls and my friends like you cant do that, she might take find it offensive, and she might beat you up. she weighs two pounds lighter than me, which isnt saying much for her existence bc i weigh at least 94 pounds. we could wrestle.

i dont kno. she is just fun to watch on the field, even tho she is the only one without a defining ass. ill just keep watching. and maybe pelt my phone number at her after the game on weds.

Spring break was relaxing, which is a good way of saying that was 'boring. I babysat and got my haircut. Stories to fill a lifetime, I'm sure. I left my novel for class and my computer charger at home so, I had to journey on down to the westbank with two of my best friends to meet my mom. We did a little shopping but I really hate shopping (unless its for books or movies) and so the trip ended with me picking up some girl in my class (we arent even friends) Canes because she asked me to. I cannot say no to people. It literally is a defect in my personality. I am taken advantage of but little do those bastards know I am going to learn how to be a bitch one of these days.

Last night, downloaded Panic's new album. First impressions are a killer because my roommate and I hated it adamently and stongly at first. Of course, I had to give those weirdos another chance and I actualy ended up liking it. It is really odd. Different. Happy, I suppose. I did feel like I was sucked into their clothing, however.

Now, it seems everyone knows I like girls. Last night my two sisters called me and asked me and apparently my family has been discussing this together. Court was like, "we love you its cool. now call me tomorrow. I'm busy." lol

on that note...

THE liars. So well-equipped with the mechanism for deciet humans are. Some actually enjoy the thrill that comes with knowing that you have intentionally built a world of fallacy. Then there are those who still have that conscience that society has impregnanted in our heads. No stop that, its wrong. Wrong. What a very abstract idea. Oh yes, it is an idea. NOTHING is as plain as the light of the moon, and even sometimes that's well-hidden. It would not be so untruthful for me to say that I respect liars because in a very odd way I do. Well, respect is such an esteemed term. So, for all saving- my- ass- from total- fallacy purposes, we will call is weariness. I regonize the fact that liars have power. Power to create and destroy, much like writers or arists. All human activity is aimed at osme selfish revelation. Liars simply do it best. Not pathological liars who actually believe the webs that they spin into the insect ears of humans or those that do it simply to make their image appear less disoriented. NO, the liars who delight in the fact that once more they have created a story no one can prove false or dispute hold the power and they hold it with fetters that cut so deep into the skin of every idiot who falls victim. These people understand a humans need for trust, a general want of satisfaction that there is some good left in the world. No one makes heartbreak look so easy as a liar. A good one anyway.

I have had my fair share of calculated lies pelted at my young and naive mind. I am older. I am smarter. Just when i think I have a grip on things, someone like Gabby crawls into the picture. She looks like snake, now that i think about it. I give her that she lies without consequence. But that is thus negated by the fact she does not tell the same story all the time and she tells different people differenct versions. Lies are not ready made- to order, however you want it. This is not Burger King. She is the liar that does it simply to change her image. If she were the oh so powerful one i revere so, mabye i would not talk to degradingly about her.

I once admired the fact that she was honest because she was so open. Open in every disgusting and degrading connotation of the word. I hate her now.

And to think i fell for that snake of a person. Her secrets out. "Best part is it isn't even a good one."

She is weak. Not worthy of my words. We are told to never judge a person because we have our own weakness and vices. I know that i am inept and I am quite sure I am just not the one to criticise anyone. But for the moment its "hang exertion", I have exhausted all efforts; I am better than her. Better in every single way possible.

I fear I seem way too judgmental. Liars may make for the best stories, but the truth hurts worse. And it is such a good hurt.

Interesting couple of days. I got sunburned while cutting grass the other day and i feel that my thighs are on fire... and not in a good way. My sister had surgery last week and my other one is on crutches due t torn ligaments during a softball game. But all of those things are of no consequence. i told my mom last night that i would date a girl and that im attracted to them as well. i told her that im not writing off boys. she seems okay with it. hasnt mentioned it since. i also, on a whim of bravado, told my eldest sister about the same thing. that i think im bisexual and that i like girls. she dont care. her response was, "oh lord, i always thought it would be kaitlyn." lol i did too but kate seems to think its me. when i told her about ez, she seems shocked to the core that i was with a guy bc she had always imagined me to be a lesbian. well, she was right. whether or not she really believes all this, i dont kno.

i had a "fight" w my best friend last night. well lets just call it a disagreement. i love him and he thinks that if he says everything on his mind that our differences of opinion will turn us against one another. no. i do not fear his words. and his truth holds no insecurity for me. nothing is worth losing him. he wants a normal life. nothing is wrong with that. its just so normal.

so, she really signed up. she is really leaving me. i cannot even comprehend my emotions on this subject. i miss her already.

This is the last day of classes before spring break and i am really relieved that this semester is half way over. i love college, def the freedom. but so much has happen my freshman yr it warrants some kind of documentation. i cannot even say half the shit that has happened... like meeting and falling for this beautiful girl additcted to sucking coc, seeing everything i hate in this girl and eventually ending our friendship, scheduking my math test during math class, experiencing my first Tiger football game in the student section and i can garuntee nothing feels so much as a rush than th band playing pregame, goign to the emergency room for eight hours just because, well that is kind of a funny/disgusting story, lets just say that something had to be removed from my body, our football team winning the bcs championship,watching my bestfriend go through depression, late night trips to nowhere just to talk and strollin gin at four in the morning, my rooommate is going to leave me for the navy, meeting the only person that will probaby understand my passion for writing and having this person whose words leave me standing eloquent and profound tell me that i am the greatest storyteller she has even known. that is something, for me. i dont see it at all. she is so smart that sometimes im intimidated by it but all i have to do is shove a story or essay in her face and that somehow makes me feeel better about my intellectual abilities. i think her telling me she admires me is the most important thing that has happened this yr because i read her mind i read her journal, all the things she is and all the things she is not and i realize that i am inept. no matter the creativity, no matter my efforts of originality she stands out. i love the way she thinks, the way she sees the world. never in my short life have i ever met someon as unique as her. she gets it. she gets me. my best friend understands i love to write but he cannot understand why. she knows why. shes the other half of me. she is the beauty to my ugly. ugly with embellishments. that is her truth.

i think that i am afraid of penis, which is why i would rahter be with a girl than a guy. for the first time in my whole life i watched porn with my friend a week or two ago and that just solidified my feelings for gilrs bc now im just afraid of penis. it just looks so weird and there is no way that i could ever stick it in my mouth. yuck. this is probably why after a few months w a guy and i felt that i was pressured to do more i would just break up with him bc no way i ever wanted to get physical with him. even in the future it just nevr seemed like something i wanted to do. i always found myself avoiding long intimate situations with guys. it never felt right. girls are just more beautiful in every single way.

im so ready for spring break.

I dont think i like people much. i have a few really close friends but outside them, ive decided that people are just too human to be around me. like my really good friend we just get tired of the drama, theatrics and constant battle between opinions. oh, i love those close to me w out comprehension, but if i get too close to most of the acquaintances i have then i will start to notice their faults. im a writer and very observant of others and i analyze everything. this is how i chose those who stay and those who dont. my roommate says that im not gay and im not straight, i just dont like ppl. im beginning to think she is right. i am going to end up alone.

last night was so much fun. my friends and i went to the sotfball game against troy and we expected this small school to be easy to beat. no, 11 innings of play, of strikeouts, doubles and players left on base. finally, some girl hit a double and knocked a run in. the crowd,if it could be called that, was dead so we were acting crazy the whole time. but to us, this behavior is not something new or rare. at softball games the beasts come out in us. no one ever goes to those games unless we are playin a really good team in the SEC. i love it tho. watching makes me remember when i played and i miss it. i regret not playin gmy last threee years in high school. i wish that my hatred of the coach would not have compelled me to not return to the team. too late, i guess i will just have to live vicariously through the players on this team. shortstop is kinda cute. ha

i cannot stop dreaming of my grandpa. its as if he is haunting me. i dont know, even since he died nothing has been alright. my family i full of shit, pretending that "hes in a better place, no more suffering" and all that. in the mean time my grandma is falling apart slowly with a brusied family trying to fix her. "how can one drowing man help another drowing man"? (paul newman). in this family weakness or sadness doesn control any aspect of our lives. i know my grandpa would tell me suck it up and just t over it. but that i extremely hard for me to do. expecially since i cant close my eyes without seeing his face. not the face i want to remember. the stone face, the body sick with cancer. that is not my grandpa. but its getting harder to remember him anyother way.

in other news, the weather sucks. it cant make up its mind. hot, cold, hot cold. tonight me and keith are goun to a softball game....fun.

I could not sleep last night so i put a movie on, speicifically For Me and My Gal, and i swear the moment Judy began to sing, the tv turned the correct color. It was as if her voice demanded that my green tv show her in all her black and white glory. now its eight in the moring and i have class in thirty minutes and i what ireally want to do is crawl back into my bed. i also have a test later today. worrired about that too. my roommarte is impossible to wake up. sometimes i think she is dead. i just screamed at her and well, she didnt even flinch... im getting pissed

i love this university. it a really wondrful place, but it should invest more in its residential halls (DORMS)...

There is a slow movement of change about me. These things always come subtley for me, nothing ever comes as quickly as i woud like. slow movements mean slow heartaches and deep, perplexing moments in which i can no longer remmeber who or where i am. there came a time when things made sense, when i knew exactly everything i wanted and was so sure in the declarations of my conscience that i never gave a second thought to things like faith, love and hope; all those things that seem hesitant to be readily accepted. but thats all gone isnt it?
i thought i was over it, i thought that things would be better. indeed i am in a better place, right now, but im goin home, which is a constant reminder of the things i no longer have in my life. what is that "they" say, that which doesnt kill you can only make you stronger? something like that is true, but right now my rational behavior has seemed to have lost in an irrational movement, and i don t really feel like giving up my emotions for truth. i used to feel so safe in that small town, in that small school. the world couldnt touch me, yet the voices couldnt hear me, the souls couldnt confine me. i wanted to leave, head in the sky heart on the ground and a lifetime of memories to build a new life somewhere else.
YES, i wanted to leave that place, forskae all that i had ever know, but on my own terms. i wasnt ready to let go. i wasnt equiped with the strength to tear to pieces the picture perfect life i had once had. no matter what i do everything will always revolve around that day, that moment when everything i ever thought i knew was contaminated by broken forts, and loss dreams of a secure future. there are friends i will never see again and i wonder time to time where they are and if they are okay. family members left, gave up on a town no longer worth living, dying, and crying for. it hurts to see them gone. for eight months despair was my friend, it was all i knew, loss was the cut that left my heart empty. i was not home. nothing else mattered but that idea of home.
two years have passed and no longer do i look back and feel my heart bleeding, yet i find i can no longer surely remember who i was then, what i was. that is what hurts. not that it happened, but that its harder to remember my home, firends and family i once knew so intimately well. its not so much the place, my family is back there now. its who i was that i miss. the real pain, the slow realization that has caused such consternation is that i will never be that person again. my fine arts teacher from the newly created high schoo in my parish, man i love her,once told me that the only thing certain in life is change. well, mrs. c you are right. right now the only movement worth words, worth any of my time is the firm and unwavering belief that change is all i have to hope for. i have matured, and indeed the storm was the worse and the best thing that ever happened to me. i look at crystal and kno that if it werent for it, she sould have remained shamefully anonymous to me. my sisters relationship with me would have continued down a slow sprial of hurtful, calculated and spiteful words. i love her now, and not just because she is my sister. she is a beautful person, inside through and through.
I am stronger because i had to rebuild my perceptions of reality. nothing can so reassure me of my abilities to adapt to disaster than the feelings i have acquired since that big bad hurricane. it doesnt define me. i defne me.
i am in a good place right now, finally. now, if only i can stop wanting to cry at the thought of my grandpa, if only i can stop dreaming he is haunting me, then i can become a pretty stable person, maybe i can get some sleep at night. until then, i will just have to keep writing.

My tv is green and i need to study.my tv hasnt been the proper color ever since i can remember. its cheap, what can i expect? im just using this as a procrastination mechanisim. i should be studying but there are like four ppl in here talking about dying, drinking and eight-teen wheelers, and styrofoam cups being dinted during an almost car wreck. how can i study with such noise, i fi ignore everyone as i am doin now maybe they will leave....me, keith and mal went to the union to eat and we come back and my roommate is sleeping. you can imagine my surprise considering she went home last night and is supposed to be at work. everyone around me is sick and i can feel it comin on.
only a few of my very close friends kno about my attraction to girls and i get the occaisional jokes, but they really are cool with it. i mean, they cannot live without me so they need to get used to me.except im still getting use to me. lily called me...she prollhy wants me to go by her place to study but i hate leaving campus. i have a really good parking spot. my room is dirty becasue my roommate is a mess, literally. her side the room looks like a pile of shit just everywhere. some of it has leaked to my side...im bored and my tv is green. is nothing in life fair?

as i speak in this moment i want to scream but im pretty sure the bitch the lives right next to me on the other side of this cement wall would get tmad and bang on it like she has done so many other times in the past. gabby i here and i really dont like her. i invited her to a movie tonight wil my firned to be nice bc well i am going to live w her next semster and i need to keep things civil. during the night it was lots of fun and it felt like a sorta missed her. that is until she came up to my room. she is so noisy. apparently i can only take her in small doses and im about one dose away from slipping into a coma...and omg keith is trying to explain to her how two gilrs have sex.. hes like you know its hot.. this is the girl i had a major crush on. he is retarded

For all intensive purposes this, whatever it may be, is riding on merely the fumes of an extinguished anger. It doesn’t really show the WHOLE TRUTH, but most of it…

I don’t understand why you do it.
Why do you continue to fight against something that
Has no qualms about taking your broken body only to squeeze
What little life you have left in your veins.
You’ve seen your life in flames and the fire of doubt
Has consumed every useless thought
That ever entered your frail and insufferable mind.
Why don’t you just put an end to your misery?
Slide right underneath another and let all your nightmares fall
And wish for your dreams to come true.
Go ahead, he can save you from yourself;
Your knight in fallible armor.
I can’t stand it when you are near me.
You are so pretentious and you LIE
With such grace that I forget that your lips have
The power to betray the simple truth.
You are a simple incongruity in my life.
I hate the fact that you think everyone secretly wants you
Yet you do not have the strength to handle the words
That speak the truth into your appalling existence.
Hate, I used to love,
but I find your presence almost unbearable.
I am a rather patient person but you drive
All the virtue from my heart and replace it with wonder.
Wonder, why are you so NAÏVE?
You think you are so strong but I think you are weak.
I am sorry that this difference of opinion
Has led me to want to break whatever this is
You want to be for me.
If this relationship were worth saving,
I would try.
You are not different, you are like everyone else,
Even if you are a better copy, a more beautiful deception.
You lack the understanding friendship requires.
You nod your head with approval and depth
But you comprehend NOTHING.
Everyone would rather I like you.
I’m sure they would like for me to make amends.
I cannot ask you to change for my sake.
I’m not so narcissistic as to believe
That I’m the correct model for what humans should
Be, but you’re just not.
Even though you have admirable qualities,
These are masked by the fact you do not see them.
Look in the mirror for as long as you desire, your reflection is
NEVER going to portray the fallacy that is your
Character.

Your life is built upon insecurity.
And I just don’t like it.

So, after a long heated debate over the state of a girl's mental health, and after my roomate and brandon left to go to walmart, keith and i got on the subject of the feelings i used to feel for this girl. she is beautiful, thats all there is to it. last semster we were really close and i really liked her, i mean i would have done anything to make her happy.sadly, she has a past that was steeped in insecurity and doubt and no matter how many times i explained all the good and wonderful things about her, she still remained this paranoid and clingy, lost little girl. that is not my personality. i need stable minds around me. last semster she was in "love" with this guy bandon, who used her for her body and even though she knew this she continued to sleep over by his place every night. when all of it came crashing down, it was us left to pick up the pieces. i would have been quite content to be there to hold her while she cried out the pain, like i had so many times before, but i needed to gt over her. i knew that if her vulnerability touched me i would be lost again, wondering why i cannot seem to reliquish this hold that girl had on me. so i distanced my self, got a boyfirend and pretended like i never flet anythign for her. apparently, that was a very bad move and she resented me for it. our friendship ended about amonth ago but we have mutual friends therefore we keep coming up in each other lives. right now she is dating a grad student who lied about his age, he is thirty. if she were someone else i would not care but she is so naive and does not know how to take care of herself. she slept by his house on the third date. she says she is still a virgin and all that but she uses her body to get attention from guys, which is detrimental to her mental frame, considerin that she thrives on attention from the opposite sex and when it is gone, she loses all grip on her life. i am tryin to stay out of it, her life is her business. i just dont want to have to watch her unravel again. she wasn;t there when i was falling apart when my grandpa died. she was too worried about brandon. i think i resent her for that as well. who knows?
so after that convo, me and keith was talking about how i taught him not to judge people, which is what i was doing. he was actually defending her, he was losing bc it was three against one, but he tried with all his eloquent might. he has a way with words. crystal was like, "you might as well give up on defending her bc you are fuckin losing." anyway after they left he was like before we became close ( i have known him all my life but we became reall close about a year and half ago), i would have given up on a friend that told me he/she was gay. i knew this about him and he wa slike but its different when you love someone. "i look at you and i think how can i hate that part of humanity whenever i love you" hes like ,amanda i LOVE(screams it) you and that doesnt change a thing. that made me smile, a genuine smile, not one forced by good manners. he is a three hundred pound almost six foot black guy, so his words are very imposing, his demeanor is as well. if it wasnt for me, he would be lost in this very open and changin world. if it wasnt for him, i think i would slip again and slip again...