i feel like i've changed, for the better. i know i already wrote a blog with that name but this one's abit different i suppose. my semi-bestfriend bambi is drifting away from me, or maybe im pushing her. i believe that im just... different. shes used to me being the stuck up, rude to everyone, pot smoking, booze drinking bestfriend that she's always known.

okay, well if you all have read most of my blogs you know that me and crystal are looooong over. and if you read my blogs from when i was with her you know that i was pretty much knees over tits inlove with her, and she pretty much was a total waste of time. well, shes part of the reason i pushed myself to be so girly and... the truth is, it isnt me. so i think im going to quit wearing my makeup so thick, get my "shane" haircut back and i want to buy a binder to wear. BTW i am now with an amazing girl named jesse, who im positive is different from anyone i've even been with in my entire life.

so, its 4:06 in the morning.
yesterday i stayed up till 6:30,
i really think i have insomnia.
i just got done watching Equality U on logo,
i'll have to admit,
watching my community be handcuffed simply for standing up for what they believe in got me teary eyed a few times.
Hmmmm, now im watching Roseanne.
idk what weird force attracts me to Darlene from this show... but its deffinitely strong. lol. im a weird ass.

i saw it coming,
i was to blinded by what i had hoped it would be.
i broke up with crystal.
fuck the bitch.
has had a fiancee' for the last four months of our fuckin relationship.
whatever.
im fuckin over it,
dont come crawlin back when she finds out.
im done bitchin.
kthnxbye.

so as you all know if you read my last blog, that i was on a smoking/drinking bindge and i didnt know where my girlfriend was. well.... she finally called and well... bambi picked up, lololol.
bambi gave crystal a piece of her mind, crystal was not very happy when she got to talk to me. i also just got off the phone with her, im really happy :)
but about my goal to not smoke or drink well, i failed.
i smoked out of my friend tims bong with bambi's sister, tim and zach. i dont like smokeing out of bongs much :||||
anyways,

Crystal Marie Schroeder.
i love you,
why does it seem like right now you dont love me?
i know you do but its hard when you havent contacted me.
no calls,
no texts,
no IMs,
no messages,
NOTHING,
wtf?
for TWO days?
seriously.
i hate it,
"you dont know how much you need something until its gone"
baby i need you,
come home, please?
you mother doesnt know where you are,
i dont,
barry doesnt,
please please please....
just call.
-hayden.

so....
lemmie recap on the past couple of days,
in two words?
substance abuse.
i guess thats what you could say,
so....

you say im confused,
but i know who i am,
you say im to young,
but you just dont understand,
the fact that this is me,
all im ever gunna be,
and your trippin,
if your hopein,
that i'll re-asign myself,
to make you feel confortable,
this is unacceptable,
that in a world wishin for "peace"
that you cant take the minute
to listen to me,
a voice of a million,
trying to be heard,
the fact that your killin,
is beyond absurd,
equality at reach,
but you just wont listen,
the point of the fact,
is just what your missin,
"gay rights"
its as simple as that,
just like womans,

ugh, why just when i want to settle down and get my life on track...
my exs gotta try and fuck it up. I finally had the guts to ask Crystal out and then dani and another one of my exs gotta try and hook me again, and they both knew what they were doing when they did it, what the hell am i supposed to do?

i hate the fact that your perfume lingers on my hands,
once on your neck, to pull you into a kiss.
i torched the memories i have,
it hurts my heart to much to remember.
i love whole heartedly with my half hearted ratty organ
that i piece together every morning to attempt to live with.

you know those times when you wish you had a controlling person in your life? the kind of people who would tell you what THEY think you should do? i want one. most people want them to get the fuck out but i want one. i hate being stuck in a rut. but i wont exagerate on the rut.

i hate the "your still the only girl for me" and then the follow-up blog about how the other girl got what i want.
argh.

im sorry to the people i've hurt.
im sorry to the people i've set aside.
im sorry to the people who haven't heard from me.
im sorry to the people who think i dont care.
im sorry to the loved ones around me.
im sorry to that one special girl.
im sorry to the world for having me.
i dont mean to have a pity party.
im not sorry for myself im sorry for the others.
i love you baby girl.

if you would like to know the story behind this poem then message me.
but there are only three people who would get it.
but not from this point of view.
this is from MY point of view.
it's alot more than just a "wait it out"

phone cord shares whispers
skies show grey
a girl sits alone
pondering her day

another sits quiet
knowing of the others thoughts
smileing at the other

I know this pretty rave girl
always thinkin' 'bout her
and when she says hi to me
butterfly's go right through me
and when I see her dancin'
wanna take a chance in
getting a little closer
and maybe get to know her

okay so im in a totally amazing relationship.
i love meghan to fucking death.
she's my everything.
i have no problems with our relationship.
it's someone who's jelous that i have a problem with.
this girl is to young and clearly not mature enough.
i mean, when people say "haha emo kid"
normally they're talking about the black hair in the face,